Len Speaks

Wednesday, March 11, 2026

This Date in History - March 11

We remember Lawrence Welk on his birthday. How could I forget him? The man was on all available TV sets in my house every Saturday night. And, oh, that's the Champagne Lady Norma Zimmer who my grandmother hated.

222: EMPEROR ELAGABALUS IS ASSASSINATED ALONG WITH HIS MOTHER, JULIA SOAEMIAS, BY THE PRAETORIAN GUARD DURING A REVOLT. THEIR MUTILATED BODIES ARE DRAGGED THROUGH THE STREETS OF ROME.

As if there aren't enough traffic problems there.

1387: ENGLISH CONDOTTIERO SIR JOHN HAWKWOOD LEADS PADOVA TO VICTORY IN A FACTIONAL CLASH WITH VERONA.

Here's something you don't hear often. "Mommy, I want to be a condottiero when I grow up."

1641: GUARANI FORCES LIVING IN THE JESUIT REDUCTIONS DEFEAT BANDEIRANTES LOYAL TO THE PORTUGUESE EMPIRE IN ARGENTINA.

"Daddy, I'd like to be a bandeirante when I grow up."

1702: THE DAILY COURANT, ENGLAND'S FIRST NATIONAL DAILY NEWSPAPER, IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Now the King can do his Sudoku in the morning.

1824: THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF WAR CREATES THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS.

For all those Indians who want to cheat on their wives.

1845: UNHAPPY WITH TRANSLATIONAL DIFFERENCES REGARDING THE TREATY OF WAITANGI, CHIEFS HONE HEKE, KAWITI AND MAORI TRIBE MEMBERS CHOP DOWN THE BRITISH FLAGPOLE FOR A FOURTH TIME IN NEW ZEALAND.

Now that's a run-on sentence.

1851: THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF RIGOLETTO BY GUISEPPE VERDI TAKES PLACE IN VENICE.

Rigoletto...with meatballs.

1861: THE CONSTITUTION OF THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA IS ADOPTED.

This means war, y'all.

1867: THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF DON CARLOS BY GUISEPPE VERDI TAKES PLACE IN PARIS.

This proves Guiseppe Verdi is not a one-hit wonder.

1888: THE GREAT BLIZZARD OF 1888 BEGINS ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD OF THE US.

Even in 1888, that's overtime for sanitation workers.

1895: ACTOR SHEMP HOWARD IS BORN.

Why I oughta!

1903: BANDLEADER LAWRENCE WELK IS BORN.

Did he ever count up to three?

1918: THE FIRST CASE OF SPANISH FLU OCCURS IN WHAT WILL BE A WORLDWIDE EPIDEMIC.

That's what happens when there's no Theraflu.

1927: IN NYC, SAMUEL ROXY ROTHAFEL OPENS THE ROXY THEATRE.

Because it's easier to say than "I'm going to the Rothafel Theatre."

1931: BUSINESSMAN RUPERT MURDOCH IS BORN.

Headline for all of us on the front page of the NY Post: "WE DON'T CARE."

1941: PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT SIGNS THE LEND-LEASE ACT INTO LAW, ALLOWING AMERICAN-BUILT WAR SUPPLIES TO BE SHIPPED TO ALLIES ON LOAN.

Winston Churchill: "It's about freakin' time."

1942: GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR FLEES CORREGIDOR.

Not returning there, that's for sure.

1955: BUSINESSMAN OSCAR MAYER DIES.

Today, I don't wish I was him.

1956: BUSINESSMAN JOEY BUTTAFUOCO IS BORN.

Businessman and wife beater.

1958: ACTRESS ANISSA JONES IS BORN.

Buffy!

1970: AUTHOR ERLE STANLEY GARDNER DIES.

The Case of the Dead Author.

1975: NORTH VIETNAMESE AND VIET CONG GUERRILLA FORCES ESTABLISH CONTROL OVER BAN ME THUOT.

Fuk Me Now.

1983: PAKISTAN SUCCESSFULLY CONDUCTS A TEST OF A NUCLEAR WEAPON.

I mean, don't you have to blow something up to see if this works?

1993: JANET RENO IS CONFIRMED BY THE US SENATE AS THE FIRST FEMALE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE US.

They confirmed her for the job or they confirmed that she was indeed a woman?

1996: ACTOR VINCE EDWARDS DIES.

Man, woman, birth, death, me.

2007: ACTRESS BETTY HUTTON DIES.

Annie Get Your Casket.

Dinner last night: Grilled chicken sausage.

Tuesday, March 10, 2026

Who Lives Where

A blog piece from 19 years ago still resonates.

Have you all yet discovered the various websites that allow you to view the world from satellite photos? There's LiveSearch.com and Google Earth. You can type in any address and view it in photos from outer space. You can zoom in and get really good close-ups. So, I've looked up all my pertinent addresses. My childhood home. My NY apartment. My LA apartment. Essentially, they are Mapquest with pictures. More reasons to waste time on a computer (besides writing and reading these daily musings).

But, I have heard about a variation on these sites that puts a very, very sinister twist on it all.

Try linking up to MapSexOffenders.com.

I heard about this in another blog and, despite feeling a trifle unclean doing so, I signed into the link. The first thing you see is a picture of a loving family. And then you are told that you should be wary of those around you at all. If you type in a street address, you will receive a map of the surrounding area.......and these red notations of places where known sex offenders reside. I put in my LA address and about two dozen red marks immediately popped up in a five mile radius. Now, when I did so, I had a real fear that one of those red marks would tell me that my former late upstairs neighbor had some previous secret dalliances with Opie. But, good news......Barney had nothing in his pants pocket except that extra bullet.

But imagine my horror when I discovered that one of those red marks was on the next block. When I clicked on it, a name, address, police mug shot, and police record popped up. This gentleman looked like your average typical Best Buy salesman. Except, in lieu of selling LCD TVs, he was sporting a nifty conviction of lewd and lascivious behavior with a minor.

Okay, so, initially, I didn't think this was real. But, today, on my way home from church (a metaphor if I ever wrote one), I noticed that building was having an open house. I stopped the car and very gingerly walked to the intercom directory. Yep, the guy I saw was listed. In the correct apartment number and everything. I did not once consider ringing the bell and running. Who knows what his record shows if there is a website called MassMurderersathome.com.

Why do I think that he has a bowl of Hershey's Kisses right next to his front door?

Only in America can you easily get driving directions to a neighborhood pervert.

Dinner last night: Had a big late lunch so nothing really.

Monday, March 9, 2026

Monday Morning Video Laugh - March 9, 2026

My blog anniversary continues with this classic doggie treat.

Dinner last night: Cheese and crackers.

Sunday, March 8, 2026

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Cooking with Grandma

It's nostalgia this month as I celebrate the move into Year 20 of Len Speaks. And, keeping with the festivities, I went back into the archives to find the very first Sunday Memory Drawer, which I ran way back in October, 2008, on what would be the date of the very last baseball game to be played in Shea Stadium.

Digression aside, I've included that very first "memory drawer" below, but it naturally spurred me to wax a little bit more on the topic at hand. Specifically, my grandmother in the kitchen.

Now, I'm sure you might have some wonderful memories of tasty treats cooked up by your grandmother. And, trust me, the lady could bake with the best of them. Every Saturday morning, I would be awakened upstairs by a veritable Entenmann's Bakery going downstairs in Grandmaland. Pies. Cakes. Bread or rice pudding. Even the simplest of pound cakes would figuratively send me to Heaven.

If it was summertime and her rhubarb had grown nicely in the garden, you would have the added aroma of that stewing in a pot on the stove while the bottom shell of the pie was baking in the oven. Grandma's rhubarb pie was well-known throughout the family and made regular appearances at all functions. She did it differently than traditional pies and I believe two of my cousins still follow her recipe on holidays. I can remember her process as if it was yesterday. Stew the rhubarb into a mush. Add a box of strawberry Jell-O to stiffen it up. Pour it into the bottom of the pie shell. Cover it all with fresh whipped cream.

Bingo. Grandma's rhubarb pie. And I miss it to this day.

Thank God the woman could make dessert. Because she sure as Hell had her challenges with other parts of a meal.

Truth be told, she's probably not completely at fault. I think she fell into some nasty cooking habits during the days of the Great Depression and never got out of them....forty years later!

For instance, here's something you rarely see in stores anymore...

Oh, they still make it, but I doubt you can find many people who open up this glop and then add a can of water to make soup.

For my grandmother, Campbell's Condensed Tomato Soup was a staple of the kitchen. She used it in so many ways.

Straight out of the can, it was sauce for spaghetti.

It was gravy for beef stew.

Watered down slightly, it acted as ketchup when we had run out of the bottled stuff.

Ugh.

But, back in 1929, I am guessing one did what one had to do. And Grandma was no different.

Now, who uses this anymore?

I am sure it's still out there, but, back in the days of my grandparents, you didn't drink coffee without it. And there was always an open can in the refrigerator because, God forbid, one can needed to last you a whole week.

Salad dressing? Apparently, olive oil was a delicacy in Grandma's world. Frequently, her lettuce topping was as simple as two spoonfuls of vinegar and a fistful of sugar. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, sugar.

Her lunch, usually at 11AM every morning, never ever varied as long as I can remember. Two slices of bread. Two slices of Oscar Meyer bologna. Mustard? Nah. Mayonnaise? Nope. Her condiment of choice?

Welch's Grape Jelly. And not just any jelly but one that came in those damn Flintstones glasses.

Grandma probably had about two dozen of these containers all over the kitchen. No matter what you were drinking, whether it be milk, soda, or beer, Grandma served it courtesy of Fred, Wilma, and Barney.

Of course, even with the questionable bill of fare at Grandma's kitchen, there was one place there I absolutely loved.

Her pantry. And as told back in 2008 in my very first Sunday Memory Drawer...

This room was a full-out treasure chest for me. Situated right off her kitchen, it was a full-sized room that had a counter where I could do homework. And there were shelves all the way up to the ceiling. Lots of places for me to hide whatever toy figurines or soldiers I was occupied with at the time. One side would hide behind the double boiler and the other would secrete themselves behind cans of Libby's vegetables. And I could hide myself in another corner and let it all play before me for hours and oodles of fun.

There were many other fringe benefits. My grandmother baked every single Saturday morning and there was usually some sort of cake or pie stored there. Pieces disappeared regularly. And, of course, her Poppin' Fresh cookie jar was always loaded with Jane Parker or Ann Page's finest chocolate chip cookies. Only the best that the local A & P had to offer. I still have that cookie jar here in LA and it's always filled. With chocolate chip cookies. The tribute that just keeps on giving.

One day, I noticed something else. My grandmother would go into the pantry, hop on a step stool, and reach up to the very top shelf. Where apparently she was keeping some very special chocolate bars.

Hmmmm.

It didn't take many days after this discovery before I wanted to tap into this reserve myself. If my grandmother was hiding this candy, it must be damn good.

The step stool still left me about three shelves too short for the reach. So, I essentially climbed gingerly from one shelf to another. The Wallendas had nothing on me, especially if there was a tasty treat at the end of the stunt. I got to that chocolate and munched. One piece and then another. And then another. She wouldn't miss a whole bar. I reasoned she probably had others stashed away all over the house.

And then it came. Or, in reality, there it went. About an hour later, I was sick to my stomach. And couldn't stop visiting a certain room in the house. Where I would be sitting and not standing. It was so bad that I missed two days of school and even was summoned to appear before the always feared pediatrician, Dr. Fiegoli. Nobody had any answers and I certainly didn't make the connection. Until my grandmother asked the question that begged for an answer...