The Small Silver Lining in the Smoky LA Sky

 

Unless you were on Mars...or visiting Ghana...you couldn't ignore the perilous week that Los Angeles had.   And is still having.   

The entire Palisades Village is gone, except for allegedly my dentist's office.  Malibu is partially destroyed.  So are other areas throughout Los Angeles.  And it's one or two degrees of separation for you to know somebody who lost their home.   I know three such people.

Why?

Well, this is all the end result of environmentalists getting their hands on government policies so they could save the planet.   We'll save the planet while killing everything else.   No more controlled burns of brush.  Reduced water pressure with low-flow toilets and showers.  Sure, let's fix a lot of inconsequential stuff while everything burns around us.

There's lot of blame to go around.  But, at the end of the fiery day, let's look at the two idiots pictured above.  Two incompetents that got elected because A/One is Black and B/They both have Ds that follow their names.  Neither one should be working at what they are doing, but A Lister Hollywood helped get them both elected.   By the way, that's the same A Listers who lost homes in the Pacific Palisades.

I've know Mayor Karen Bass was a fraud long before she became Mayor.  You see, for several years, she was my Congressional rep.  On three different occasions, I contacted her office with questions on health care.  No one, even an intern, bothered to contact me.   The unspoken legend is that they ignore citizens if their last name looks "too white."   

Well, despite the fact Bass was told there might be a catastrophic fire event in the coming days, she still got on a plane and flew to Ghana to represent the US as a Presidential inauguration.   

As for the other shithead above, Governor Gavin Newsom and his latent stupidity might finally have sunk him here.   The guy who just loves being glib for the camera can't explain why fire fighters couldn't get water pressure to fight a fire.  But most people, except for the Hollywood A-Listers, tried to get rid of him in a recall two years ago.   If that vote was held today, the outcome might be different.

So, that, my friends, is the small silver lining amid all the smoky ash.  Right now is not a good time to be a Democrat in California.

Dinner last night:  Taylor Ham on English muffin.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - January 13, 2025

 Be careful what you wish for.

Dinner last night:  Roast chicken breast.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Up To Your Hips

 

With dry air and fires raging all over Los Angeles, we could use a little wet stuff around here.   So let's go back to my more youthful days.

You may have seen this photo before.  But, nevertheless, here I am again.  Enjoying the snow several decades ago.  With a friend that was undoubtedly built by my dad.  Even then, I had no patience when it came to artistic moments.  I certainly couldn't have crafted a snowman.

Ah, how refreshing.  How homespun.  How cute.

And, then, a bunch of years later...

Here I am again.  Having a lot less fun.  A snapshot from the 80s.  My very first solo apartment on North Broadway in Yonkers.  And, whoa, there's my very first car.  A 1980 Toyota Corolla.  I loved that little brown peanut.  It gave me ten solid years of reliable transportation.  Despite the fact that it was always parked outside amongst the elements.  And took the brunt of snowfalls like this.

It's amazing how your perspective changes when you grow up in an area that endures snowflakes during the winter months. 

When you're a kid, you live through the delight of the Christmas season just as winter sets in.  Then, on January 2, you are likely headed back to jail AKA elementary school.  And the prospect of time off, prior to the regularly scheduled Presidential birthdays in February, is totally dependent upon some low pressure systems meshing with some Canadian cold front.  You'd anxiously await the weather report on the nightly news.  You'd gladly switch over from the Three Stooges on WPIX Channel 11 to hear WCBS weatherlady Carol Reed tell you to "have a happy" and then announce the prospects of a blizzard within the next five days. 

"70% chance of snow."

Hmmm, that's more than 50-50.  I'll take it.  I would immediately start to make plans about how late I would sleep in the morning.

Of course, school had to be officially cancelled first.  And, in Mount Vernon, New York, which was just north of the Bronx/NYC line, that wasn't so easy.    The New York City public school system was notoriously famous for not cancelling classes.  It really had to be a dire emergency.

"Due to the plague of locusts, New York City public schools will open at 10AM this morning."

Mount Vernon didn't like to cancel if New York City stayed open.  So, frequently, as the drifts piled up, we were screwed.  Still, we had hope.  If you knew that snow had fallen overnight, you would get up and prod your mother to tune to Westchester's official "school closing" radio station, WFAS-AM.  I don't think anybody ever really listens to WFAS unless it's snowing.  And you'd listen hopefully as the roll call of Westchester County school systems checking in.

"Mahopac schools closed."

Of course, they are.  Mahopac is right next to Alaska, correct?

"Rye Country Day School closed."

That sounds like such a nice place to be educated.  The Rye Country Day School.  Mom, can we move please?  Because they're closed today.

"White Plains schools closed."

Okay, gang, we're getting closer.

"Mount Vernon public schools............open."

F Me.

We never got a break. 

Now there was a back-up alert system that we always hoped would prove those WFAS frauds wrong.  The city of Mount Vernon had a set of loud fire whistles.  If there was no school, the siren would go off at 7AM and 8AM.  I would wait with baited breath.  Nobody make a sound, please.

Most of the time...nothing.

But, there were those days where the whistle went off and I felt glorious.  I also think they were going to use the same warning in the event of a nuclear attack so the last laugh could have been on me as I shimmied my way into my snow suit and/or a radioactive haze.

Not that my day was going to be completely full of leisure.  Invariably, I would be invited outside to help my father shovel out the driveway.  With the usual winter threat.

"Go help your father.  Do you want him to die of a heart attack?"

Okay, got it.

I'd amble outside and then perform my usual snowstorm chore.  I'd pretend to shovel.  If it was windy, the white stuff would blow back into my face.  Eventually, I had more snow on me than I had moved into a neat pile.  Within fifteen minutes, the potential coronary victim that was my dad had seen enough.

"Go inside.  You're just making a mess out here."

Okay, got it.

And that's how, every winter as a child, I managed to get out of shoveling snow.  A wonderful system.   And my father never did have that heart attack.

But, in retrospect, I probably could have used the practice.  Because as glorious as snow days were when you're a youngster, your viewpoints changes when you're an adult.

You don't listen to the school closings on WFAS-AM.

You don't get to wait for a fire whistle.

Unless, it's fifteen inches or more, you don't get to stay home.  You are expected to work.

So, you wake up in the AM and shovel out your car as you see in the photo above. 

It all sucked.

At my very first solo apartment on North Broadway in Yonkers, just leaving the premises in the snow was an ordeal.  First, you had to clean off the car.  If I was smart the night before, I had already taken the brush, shovel, and ice scraper out of the trunk.  Then you begin the process.  If it was really early and nobody was outside yet, I would simply push the crap onto the car in the next space.  Hell, he was a dirtbag anyway.

Now I had a real problem if there was a sheet of ice on the windshield.  Those of you not familiar with frozen tundra-like conditions have no idea how you defrost your car window.  To do it correctly, you ideally need to go out about a half-hour before you really want to leave.  You sit in the car and turn on the defroster.  And simply sit and wait.

Me?  I had little patience.  So I would try to help it along by spraying on the windshield washing liquid.  That would help speed up the process momentarily. 

Until that froze over even more.  Before I knew it, my car window could have served as the arena for the Stanley Cup playoffs.  And I never ever learned my lesson.

Of course, once you could see out your car window, you had to figure out a way to get up the huge slope of a driveway.  On lots of winter mornings, there were cars literally lined up waiting to take their turn up Mount Kilimanjaro.   People would rev their engines to get some momentum going and then start to speed up the driveway which had been barely cleaned.

Halfway up, you'd start to slide down.

Again.

Halfway up.  Slide back down.

Again.

Halfway up.  Slide back down.

Okay, if you failed the climb on the third attempt, common courtesy would be to step aside and let the next bozo try.

Halfway up.  Slide back down.

Again.

Halfway up.  Slide back down.

If somebody managed to keep going, everybody else would stand there perplexed trying to figure out how they did it.  That and, also, cursing the bastard for his success.

Once I got up to the main thoroughfare of North Broadway, I wasn't nearly finished.  I had to somehow maneuver my way gingerly down the mountains of Yonkers to the Metro North train station in Getty Square.  Driving behind other idiots trying to do the same thing but with tires that had not been rotated or replaced in a decade.

The usual ten-minute drive to the train often took an hour on those mornings.  And then, of course, you had no guarantee of transportation into Manhattan.  You'd arrive triumphantly on the train platform only to hear the scratchy announcement over the public address system.

"The 7:55AM to Grand Central...has been cancelled...due to equipment trouble."

Okay, there was another one in ten minutes.

"The 8:05AM to Grand Central...has been cancelled...due to equipment trouble."

And fifteen minutes later...

"The 8:05AM to Grand Central...is running...fifteen minutes later."

Duh.

Admittedly, the Metro North railroad has gotten their act together in the past two decades.   But, back in the 80s, you had a better chance of getting into the city if you waited for a sleigh to come by with Doctor Zhivago at the reins.

When you finally crawled into your office by 9:30AM or 10AM, you'd look around at complete emptiness.  And wonder in amazement how you managed to get to work from Westchester County but the person who lives ten blocks away on 57th Street hadn't arrived yet.

Yeah, writing this piece has given me an epiphany.

I don't miss that weather at all.  I am happy to spend the winter months in Los Angeles.  Where a 20 percent chance of showers prompts a "storm watch" on local TV stations.

Unless, of course, if there's a fire or two.

Dinner last night:  Teriyaki beef from Fuwa.

Classic Newsreel of the Month - January 2025

 A slow news day back when in England...

Dinner last night:  Double double from In N Out.

No Words

 Well, actually, there are.  Just saving them for another time.

Dinner last night:  Korean pork.

The Real Pain

 

So, let's talk about Kieran Culkin, the younger brother of "Home Alone" Macauley.  He's getting a lot of Oscar Supporting Actor buzz for this film "A Real Pain."  Now I know he won a recent Emmy for his work on HBO's "Succession," a show that held my interest despite the fact that all the characters were detestable.  Kieran's character was particularly annoying.  I was curious to see this and determine how he was managing all the Oscar attention.

I discovered that, in this one, Kieran is as unlikeable as he was on HBO.   The kind of character you want to punch in the mouth.  Talk about acting range.  Indeed, you hate him even more in "A Real Pain," a movie that is way too self-conscious for its own good.   The co-star is Jesse Eisenberg, who also wrote and directed the movie.  It's a tough sit.   And that is likely the real pain here.

Jesse and Kieran play Jewish cousins who go on a tour of Holocaust concentration camps in Poland.  Hey, now there's a vacation spot on my bucket list.   The young men also want to visit the home where their grandmother managed to survive the onslaught of Hitler's goon squad.  

Admittedly, any film with that as its setting is going to be grim and dour.  But, somehow, Kieran's character makes it worse.  Clearly, he is insane and never shuts up to the chagrin of all the other tour members.  By one third into the film, you are so sick of his character that you secretly wish one of the gas ovens was still working.

Eisenberg's work here is also a little too pretentious.  You can see the acting seams.  But, at the end, it is Kieran Culkin's character that sinks the movie altogether.  It made me wonder if he's as unlikeable in real life.   That's two projects in a row where I wanted to kill his character.  Coincidental?   Well, let's see what he plays in the movie right after he wins his Oscar.

LEN'S RATING:  Two stars.

Dinner last night:  Chicken parm.

This Date in History - January 8

 

Happy birthday to Bob Eubanks.  Name one way you want your wife to celebrate the day with you.

307:  JIN HUIDI, CHINESE EMPEROR OF THE JIN DYNASTY, IS POISONED AND SUCCEEDED BY HIS SON JIN HUAIDI.

All jin-ned up.

1297:  FRANCOIS GRIMALDI, DISGUISED AS MONK, LEADS HIS MEN TO CAPTURE THE FORTRESS PROTECTING THE ROCK OF MONACO, ESTABLISHING HIS FAMILY AS THE RULERS OF MONACO.

We've seen the future and there is a Grace Kelly in it.

1455: THE ROMANUS PONTIFEX IS WRITTEN.

Immediately at #5 on Amazon.

1697:  THE LAST EXECUTION FOR BLASPHEMY IN BRITAIN.

It wouldn't have been if I lived there.

1790:  GEORGE WASHINGTON DELIVERS THE FIRST STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

The first ever fact checking event.

1806:  CAPE COLONY BECOMES A BRITISH COLONY.

No mention of Italian Swiss Colony.

1835:  THE UNITED STATES NATIONAL DEBT IS ZERO FOR THE ONLY TIME.

I'll say.

1867:  AFRICAN AMERICAN MEN ARE GRANTED THE RIGHT TO VOTE IN WASHINGTON, DC.

Yet, there are countries in their native continent where you still can't.

1877:  CRAZY HORSE AND HIS WARRIORS FIGHT THEIR LAST BATTLE AGAINST THE US CAVALRY IN MONTANA.

Crazy Horse!!  His prices are insane!!!!

1904:  THE BLACKSTONE LIBRARY IS DEDICATED, MARKING THE BEGINNING OF THE CHICAGO PUBLIC LIBRARY SYSTEM.

As if anybody there can read.

1912:  ACTOR JOSE FERRER IS BORN.

Mr. Rosemary Clooney to you.

1918:  PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON ANNOUNCES HIS FOURTEEN POINTS FOR THE AFTERMATH OF WORLD WAR I.

When he couldn't get that passed, he went for the field goal.

1923:  ACTOR LARRY STORCH IS BORN.

F Troop!!!

1926:  TV STAR SOUPY SALES IS BORN.

Do the Mouse.

1933:  JOURNALIST CHARLES OSGOOD IS BORN.

About fifty years ago, he had some integrity.   Now he's just one big commercial voiceover.

1935:  SINGER ELVIS PRESLEY IS BORN.

Pass the fried bologna.

1937:  SINGER SHIRLEY BASSEY IS BORN.

Gold-fing-ah!

1938:  TV HOST BOB EUBANKS IS BORN.

And now for the big thirty point bonus question.

1940:  DURING WORLD WAR II, BRITAIN INTRODUCES FOOD RATIONING.

I know people who lived through this.  It sucked.

1942: ACTRESS YVETTE MIMIEUX IS BORN.

With her looks, she always knew where the boys were.

1961:  IN FRANCE, A REFERENDUM SUPPORTS CHARLES DE GAULLE'S POLICIES IN ALGERIA.

Je ne care pas.

1963:  DA VINCI'S MONA LISA IS EXHIBITED IN THE US FOR THE FIRST TIME AT WASHINGTON, DC.

Wait, I see a smile.  No, it's not.  Yes, it is.

1964:  PRESIDENT LYNDON B. JOHNSON DECLARES A WAR ON POVERTY IN THE US.

Spoiler alert: poverty wins.

1973:  THE TRIAL OF SEVEN MEN ACCUSED OF ILLEGAL ENTRY INTO DEMOCRATIC PARTY HEADQUARTERS AT WATERGATE BEGINS.

Hey, Nixon, start counting the days.

1975:  ELLA GRASSO BECOMES GOVERNOR OF CONNECTICUT, THE FIRST WOMAN TO SERVE AS A STATE GOVERNOR IN THE US.

Not counting Nelson Rockefeller who liked to dress like one.

1981:  ACTOR MATTHEW BEARD DIES.

Stymie!!!  

1981:  A LOCAL FARMER IN FRANCE REPORTS A UFO SIGHTING, PERHAPS THE MOST COMPLETELY AND CAREFULLY DOCUMENTED SIGHTING OF ALL TIME.

Come on.  If you're an alien, would you really visit a French farmer???

1990: ACTOR TERRY-THOMAS DIES.

Never had the teeth fixed.

1994:  ACTOR PAT BUTTRAM DIES.

Mr. Haney on TV's "Green Acres."

1994:  BASEBALL PITCHER HARVEY HADDIX DIES.

I always take Bayer Aspirin for a haddix.

2002:  BUSINESSMAN DAVE THOMAS DIES.

Where's the corpse?

2002:  PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH SIGNS INTO LAW THE NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND ACT.

When do we get the "All Politicians Left Behind" act??

2004:  RADIO HOST JOHN GAMBLING DIES.

No more rambling.

2007:  ACTRESS YVONNE DE CARLO DIES.

Not surprised.  Her skin always had this funny color.

2011:  THE ATTEMPTED ASSASSINATION OF ARIZONA CONGRESSWOMAN GABRIELLE GIFFORDS AND SEVERAL OTHERS.

Despite a major head wound, she managed to publish her memoirs six months later.  Can you say "ghost writer?"

2020:  WRITER BUCK HENRY DIES.

He got smart.

Dinner last night:   Leftover SPO.

Moron of the Month -January 2025

Okay, it pains me to do this one.   But, with the outgoing President winding up in a few days, this will be the last chance I get to bestow this honor.

Oh, not on the President himself, even though he has long been one of the most crooked politicians ever to set foot in Washington.  Nope, that would be too easy and, frankly, I have grown to feel sorry for the guy.  I mean, even the leftist of the biggest leftists now admit something they have failed to acknowledge for the past four years.

The President has had the onset of dementia all along.   We all saw the signs back when.  But it was largely ignored.

And the biggest person to do that ignoring has to be First Lady Dr. Jill Biden.

She was in on the ruse all along and what she has done to her husband is borderline senior abuse.

I ask why.

Was she enamored by the spotlight and the lure of magazine covers like you see above?  I mean, she's always been five pounds of potatoes in a ten pound bag.  There's no great substance to her.   And she's not really a medical doctor.

Was it worth putting her husband...and the country, for that matter...through these machinations? Does she really care?

The good news is that we are now officially done with this selfish harpie.   We've seen her future and it is clearly deserved.

Here's the wash cloth, Jill. Wipe the oatmeal off your husband's shirt.

Dinner last night:  Chef's salad.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - January 6, 2025

Pearl Bailey, my grandmother's favorite entertainer, was a powerful singer but also very funny.  Enjoy her attempt to include Ed Sullivan in her song.

Dinner last night:  Sausage, peppers, and onions.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - The MTM Book

 

 Over the Christmas break, one of those retro TV channels ran a marathon of the "Mary Tyler Moore Show" and, one more time, I couldn't resist.   One of my favorite TV shows of all kind.   

And it got me to reminiscing one more time.

A few years after MTM went off the air, I was totally engrossed in the reruns which generally played night after night at the time.  Enough time had passed since the infamous final episode where the entire WJM News team, sans Ted, got fired.  I thought it was high time to bring it back.  Well, at least in a book that would be all about the Mary Tyler Moore Show production.

The number of books I had written to date?  None.

I didn't care.  So, along with my friend. Djinn from the Bronx, as co-writer on the project, we forged ahead in attempting to contact all those folks who had a hand in the making of the Mary Tyler Moore Show.  To entice their participation, we included a little pop quiz on MTM trivia.  Hopefully, it would have a two-fold benefit.  They could be pleasantly amused.  And also aware that we knew our stuff.

Back in those days, there was no e-mail or Facebook.  Our major attempt at contact?  A letter enclosed in an envelope with a stamp on it.  Amazingly, we got some responses.

Show creator Allan Burns wrote back and corrected some spelling mistakes on our quiz.

Writer Lorenzo Music, who had voiced "Carlton the Doorman" on Rhoda, offered any help he could.   "I know what I know."

Henry Winkler, who had one of his first TV acting stints in a MTM episode, would help if he knew the name of our agent.

Linda Kelsey, who also had one of her first TV acting job in a MTM episode, would help if she knew the name of our agent.  Perhaps she had just eaten lunch with Henry Winkler.

Walter Cronkite, yes, that Walter Cronkite, would commit to giving us five minutes.

Writer Treva Silverman wanted to know how we had found her address.

We had held back on approaching the cast as we figured they would fall in line if the original writers had agreed.

And then one letter hit a real bulls eye.  One night, I got a phone call from an executive secretary.

For Grant Tinker, the former husband of Mary and the one time head of MTM Enterprises.  At this moment, he just happened to be the president of the entire NBC TV network.

Ummm.

Would I be available for a call from him the following night at 6PM?

Gulp.

He was very interested in what we were doing and would be happy to help.

I wanted to replied that I should be revived from my dead faint by tomorrow at 6PM.   Instead, I simply stammered "yes" and "goodbye."

Somehow, I got through the next day.  And thought the entire time that, at 6PM, Grant Tinker, the grand pooh of NBC Television, would be calling me on the kitchen wall phone in my North Broadway, Yonkers apartment.  I suddenly began to panic.  I envisioned a complete telephone system shutdown that stretched across Westchester County.  Or worse?  A phone call from a friend that just wouldn't shut up.

I decided that all personal relationships on that day were suspended.  I had time for no one but Grant Tinker at 6PM.

Starting at 530PM, I parked myself on the kitchen stool and didn't flinch.  I wanted to be ready.   And then I started to think about stupid details.

Could I possibly say "hello" without my voice cracking like a teenager going through puberty?

How many rings should I allow?  Picking it up on the first ring would convey a sense of anxiousness.  Allowing more than two rings might be rude.  Back in the 80s, there was no way to check out protocol on the internet.  There was no internet.

As the digital clock on my then-very clunky microwave oven clicked from 559PM to 600PM, the phone rang.  NBC was the number one network at the time.  And, apparently along with the ratings crown, promptness was also a part of "Must See TV."  I went for the second ring pick-up and answered not with a "hello" but my name.

"Hold on please for Mr. Grant Tinker."

Yeah, I think I can manage that.  I fantasized that he was wrapping a phone conversation with Ted Danson.

"Hi, Len."

Wow, first name basis right off the bat.  I like this guy.  I called him "Mr. Tinker."

He was pleased that somebody was taking the time to chronicle MTM and that I apparently had a passion for what they had created.  He loved our quiz with or without the spelling mistakes cited by Allan Burns.  And then Mr. Tinker offered to set up access for us to look at all the historical records for the show which had been donated to the University of Wisconsin.  Why there, I asked?

"They were the first ones who asked."

Oh.

Of course, after about twenty minutes of an incredibly congenial dialogue, we got around to the main event of questions.  How would I get the cast to participate?

"They all will.  But you'll never get Mary."

Mary. 

I was on the phone with Grant Tinker discussing his ex-wife.  Hello???

Mr. Tinker (I figured that if Mary could keep calling Lou "Mr. Grant", I should do the same thing with Grant) elaborated that, despite the success of the show, she wasn't looking to relive the past at that point.  Her son had killed himself right after the series went off the air.  She had just embarked on a new marriage.  

"She's trying to move forward and doesn't want to look back."

Oh.  Well, that sucks.  My thought, not a statement.

While he pledged his help, Mr. Tinker didn't think the book would be as robust and compelling without his ex-wife's participation.  And I tended to agree.  

But, still, it was an exciting phone conversation.

Ultimately, there was no book to pursue.  And, about five years later, when there was one authored by these two lofty media culture professors, it was dull as dirt.  

And, among all the acknowledgements, there was no mention of Mary.  Mr. Tinker knew from what he was talking about.

Within the last two weeks, I discovered that there is yet another book about the series coming out.  Entitled "Mary and Lou and Ted and Rhoda," I am hoping that this time somebody got it right.  I totally expect it was a lot easier to get a hold of the cast for participation.  After all, the phone likely doesn't ring as much as it used to for the likes of Edward Asner and Valerie Harper.  Maybe I should have revisited it.  Perhaps a lost opportunity.

As for my buddy Mr. Tinker, I would run into him a few times once I moved to Los Angeles.  At a car wash.  In a French restaurant.  I was at the next table.  He was clearly having a romantic evening out.  At the Daily Grill where he was having lunch at the next booth with MTM director Jay Sandrich.  We were seated with legendary Lucy writer Madelyn Pugh Davis.  With some trepidation, she felt compelled to go and say hello to them.

I'm glad she didn't offer to introduce us.  I doubt that Mr. Tinker would have remembered calling me in my Yonkers kitchen about two decades ago.

Or maybe he would have.

Anyway, let me salute the Mary Tyler Moore Show one more time with this wonderfully rare clip.  The curtain call that was broadcast only once after the original airing of the series finale.  One of a kind memory.

Just like the show itself.  And sadly, everyone in that cast.  Now gone.

Dinner last night:  Frankfurters.

Classic TV Commercial of the Month - January 2025

 It starts all the time.

Dinner last night:  Had a huge lunch so just some ice cream.

Happy New Mugs 2025

 

That's not a receding hairline.   That's one major evacuation.

Oh, my God!  They've arrested that guy from "Kung Fu!"

"Gee, the color didn't look this bad on the box."

 Orange Really is the New Black.

 He drinks what he wears.

 Trying to see the convict through the trees.

Now that's some precise barbering.

Yeah, we know.

Those Lancome chemical peels aren't always what they're supposed to be.

 Now that's talent!

Who's got some Tylenol?

Shoplifting....and a stroke.  All in one afternoon.

Just wait till some of the boys on the inside see what you can do with that tongue.

Dinner last night:  Hot dogs.

A Box of Goobers and a Vomit Bag

 

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day is one when you really want to see a movie.   Even though the Oscars are now irrelevant, a lot of the "buzz" films hit the theaters and command your attention.

I saw glowing reviews for this Nicole Kidman movie called "Babygirl."  I looked at the plot.  A businesswoman has an affair with one of her company interns.  Hmmm.   I did an internship at college but my mentor was not Nicole Kidman, but a short, bald-headed gnome.  Still, there was enough information for me to give this film a ride.

Famous first...and last words.   Because, as it turns out, "Babygirl" just might be one of the top five worst movies I've ever seen.  It's repulsive in so many ways that I can't begin to list them all.  Kidman plays a CEO of an AI company (yes, there is such a thing) and happily married to Antonio Banderas because they moan a lot during sex.   But you know there's a problem because when Banderas is done, Kidman goes in the other room and masturbates.

Of course, she's still not happy and she hooks up with a young stud who curtails her need to masturbate.  Oh, well.   Meanwhile, they both work in the same company but apparently Human Resources is on a break this week.

Yes, there's lots more sex and moaning and sex and writhing and sex and wet fingers.   But since the characters are so damn unlikeable that you don't give a shit what happens at the end.   Meanwhile, all along the way, the movie presents you with this nauseating Euro-trash soundtrack that will make you pray for deafness.  And, in a rarity in snooty Hollywood, the audience booed when the film was over.

This is what I get for trying to give a movie theater some in-person love.   Yeesh!

LEN'S RATING:  No stars.

Dinner last night: Leftover Chinese food. 

This Date in History - January 1

 Happy new year!   Hey, wait till you see all the crap that's happened on this date when most people should be doing nothing but dealing with a hangover.  Spoiler alert: it's not a day to sleep late if you're a king or an emperor.

153 BC:  ROMAN CONSULS BEGIN THEIR YEAR IN OFFICE.

Talk about your term limits.

45 BC:  THE JULIAN CALENDAR TAKES EFFECT FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Please notify Hallmark.

42 BC:  THE ROMAN SENATE POSTHUMOUSLY DEIFIES JULIUS CAESAR.

Now there's somebody who is sleeping late today.

193:  THE SENATE CHOOSES PERTINAX AGAINST HIS WILL TO SUCCEED COMMODUS AS ROMAN EMPEROR.

Pertinax sounds like something you would take so you can stop puking into the commodus.

404:  AN INFURIATED ROMAN MOB TEARS TELEMACHUS, A CHRISTIAN MONK, TO PIECES FOR TRYING TO STOP A GLADIATOR FIGHT.

Telemachus the Roman Buzzkill.

 1068:  ROMANOS IV DIOGENES MARRIES EUDOKIA MAKREMBOLITISSA AND IS CROWNED BYZANTINE EMPEROR.

Okey Eudokia.

1259:  MICHAEL VIII PALAIOLOGOS IS PROCLAIMED CO-EMPEROR OF THE EMPIRE OF NICAEA WITH HIS JOHN IV LASKARIS.

That sentence looks like a typing test.

1438: ALBERT II OF HABSBURG IS CROWNED KING OF HUNGARY.

And so it starts.

1515:  KING FRANCIS I OF FRANCE SUCCEEDS TO THE FRENCH THRONE.

And starts...

1527:  CROATIAN NOBLES ELECT FERDINAND I OF AUSTRIA AS KING OF CROATIA.

And starts...

1651:  CHARLES II IS CROWNED KING OF SCOTLAND.

And starts....

1707:  JOHN V IS CROWNED KING OF PORTUGAL.

Enough already.

1772:  THE FIRST TRAVELERS CHEQUES GO ON SALE IN LONDON.

Finally, some news not involving a crown.

1773:  THE HYMN KNOWN AS "AMAZING GRACE" IS FIRST USED IN OLNEY, ENGLAND.

What did they play at funerals prior to 1773?

1776:  DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, NORFOLK, VIRGINA IS BURNED BY THE ROYAL NAVY.

Well, that's not cricket.

1801:  THE LEGISLATIVE UNION OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND IS COMPLETED TO FORM THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND.

Yeah, that'll work long term.

1804:  FRENCH RULES END IN HAITI, WHICH THEN BECOMES THE FIRST BLACK REPUBLIC.

Mount Vernon, New York being the second.

1808:  THE IMPORTATION OF SLAVES INTO THE US IS BANNED.

Sorry, we're full.

1860:  THE FIRST POLISH STAMP IS ISSUED.

And came back "postage due."

 1863:  THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION TAKES EFFECT IN CONFEDERATE TERRITORY DURING THE CIVIL WAR.

Remember when you had to learn how to spell it in school.

1877:  QUEEN VICTORIA OF THE UNITED KINGDOM IS PROCLAIMED EMPRESS OF INDIA.

Empress of India, I believe, is a restaurant on Wilshire Boulevard in Santa Monica.

1890:  THE ROSE PARADE IS FIRST HELD IN PASADENA, CALIFORNIA.

Which makes the first Rose Queen about 144 years old.

1892:  ELLIS ISLAND OPENS TO BEGIN PROCESSING IMMIGRANTS INTO THE UNITED STATES.

Back in the day when you actually wanted people to come into this country.

1895:  FBI DIRECTOR J. EDGAR HOOVER IS BORN.

Rat bastard.

1898:  NEW YORK, NEW YORK ANNEXES LAND FROM SURROUNDING COUNTIES TO CREATE THE CITY OF NY.  THE FIVE BOROUGHS ARE ESTABLISHED.

So, the song didn't come first??

1900:  BANDLEADER XAVIER CUGAT IS BORN.

Which makes him like 144 years older than Charo.

1902:  THE FIRST AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL GAME IS HELD AS THE ROSE BOWL IS PLAYED IN PASADENA.

And now there are over 144 bowl games every January 1.

1908:  FOR THE FIRST TIME, A BALL IS DROPPED IN TIMES SQUARE AT MIDNIGHT.

Dick Clark on hand for the festivities.

1919:  BOXER ROCKY GRAZIANO IS BORN.

Somebody up there sure did like his mother.

1925:  ACTOR MATTHEW BEARD IS BORN.

Stymie!!!!!

1932:  THE US POST OFFICE ISSUES A SET OF 12 STAMPS COMMEMORATING THE 200TH ANNIVERSARY OF GEORGE WASHINGTON'S BIRTH.

Collect the set.

1934:  ALCATRAZ ISLAND BECOMES A US FEDERAL PRISON.

Notify Burt Lancaster.

1934:  NAZI GERMANY PASSES THE LAW FOR "THE PREVENTION OF GENETICALLY DISEASED OFFSPRING."

Spoiler alert: they really started to enforce this.

1937:  SAFETY GLASS IN VEHICLE WINDSCREENS BECOMES MANDATORY IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.

What the hell did they use for this?  Tissue paper??

1943:  ACTOR DON NOVELLO IS BORN.

Father Guido Sarducci!!

1953:  COUNTRY SINGER HANK WILLIAMS DIES.

Your Not Pulsating Heart.

1954:  NBC MAKES THE FIRST NATIONAL COLOR BROADCAST WITH THEIR TELECAST OF THE ROSE PARADE.

Cue the peacock.

1962:  THE US NAVY SEALS ARE ESTABLISHED.

Much to Osama Bin Laden's chagrin.

1966:  A TWELVE DAY NYC TRANSIT STRIKE BEGINS.

With that dirtbag union leader Michael Quill telling the judges to "drop dead in their black robes."

1971:  CIGARETTE ADVERTISEMENTS ARE BANNED ON AMERICAN TELEVISION.

"Winston tastes good like a........................."

1972:  SINGER MAURICE CHEVALIER DIES.

Every little breeze seems to whisper "you're dead."

1984:  THE ORIGINAL BELL TELEPHONE SYSTEM COMPANIES ARE DIVESTED IN AN ANTI-TRUST SUIT.

Ooops, I can't get a dial tone.

1987:  ACTOR LLOYD HAYNES DIES.

 Crypt 222.

1990:  DAVID DINKINS IS SWORN IN AS NYC'S MAYOR.

A black day in the city's history.  And, yes, I wrote that.

1994:  ACTOR CESAR ROMERO DIES.

This he didn't find funny.

1997:  DIPLOMAT KOFI ANNAN IS APPOINTED SECRETARY GENERAL OF THE UNITED NATIONS.

Which means he can park anywhere he wants in the borough of Manhattan.

2001:  ACTOR RAY WALSTON DIES.

To Mars and way, way beyond.

2013:  SINGER PATTI PAGE DIES.

How much is that casket in the window?

2014:  ACTRESS JUANITA MOORE DIES.

She was in "Imitation of Life."  You can finish this joke any way you like.

2015:  POLITICIAN MARIO CUOMO DIES.

He left us with two dopey sons and a bridge.

2015:  ACTRESS DONNA DOUGLAS DIES.

And the critters all weep around the cement pond.

2020:   BASEBALL PITCHER DON LARSEN DIES.

No longer perfect.

Dinner last night:  Spicy honey chicken from Chin Chin.