One more month and who are we kidding? Except for On Demand and streaming services, there are no new movies opening. So we have to venture back in time. One whole decade. To November 2010. Remember when?
And showing even crappier movies. Here's our monthly exercise. I'll sift through the Los Angeles Time entertainment pages and give you my knee jerk reaction on what's good. And, most of the time, what's bad.
Morning Glory: Seen it. If you've seen the trailer and you're thinking something clever and insightful like "Broadcast News," forget about it. This is a pleasant diversion, but a waste of time overall with missed creative opportunities by the barrelful. Harrison Ford actually looks like he doesn't want to be in the movie. The morning show environment they try to create is so unrealistic. Mary Richards' WJM newsroom had more going on. And I only remember about four or five people working there.
Today's Special: An aspiring chef takes over his family's Indian restaurant. I don't eat Indian food. Nor do I see movies about it.
Made in Dagenham: Female workers walk out of a Ford car plant to protest sexual discrimination in 1968. A-ha. Somebody figured just how cozy those Mustang back seats can be.
The Next Three Days: Russell Crowe stars as a man who attempts to break his wife out of prison. Really? You are blowing a golden opportunity. Let her stew in the klink and go out and buy yourself one of those snazzy Mustang back seats.
Unstoppable: Denzel Washington in some stupid runaway train heist. And the title is a perfect description of dopey Denzel's career. He is unstoppable when it comes to making crappy movies like this. Perhaps the most overrated actor in Hollywood.
Megamind: Some cartoon or perhaps the title of Barack Obama's new autobiography.
Jackass 3D: Another sequel of the MTV stunt show or perhaps the title of Joe Biden's new autobiography.
For Colored Girls: If a White filmmaker tried to use that title, he'd be run out of Hollywood. Meanwhile, the real show here is probably watching the audience in the theater. Whooping and hollering at the screen. Estimated rate of hearing "you go, Girl!:" 2.5 times per minute.
Due Date: As much as I enjoy Robert Downey Jr., I despise Zach Galifianakis, one of the many un-funny movie stars trolling the multiplexes. This guy, Will Ferrell, Seth Rogan...they're all the same. Vaseline-less prostate exams.
Skyline: Another gloomy doomsday epic from some thirty-year-old genius. Enough is enough. In this one, aliens descend upon Los Angeles from the sky. As opposed to their usual mode of entry: the car trunk of cousin Hector's 1973 Buick Le Sabre.
The Social Network: Feel free to "friend" the movie. Just avoid the real-life assholes who started Facebook.
Red: Die Hard in a nursing home.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1: The lemmings are already on line for this one. This is the first film installment of the final chapter. One more shameless example of Hollywood trying to milk as much out of this franchise as possible. I'm surprised they didn't produce one movie for every chapter. They could get at least thirty more flicks that would run until Harry Potter has to stow his magic broom in favor of a gas-powered Hoveround.
Life As We Know It: Katherine Heigl stars, which is another way of saying "no fucking way."
Paranormal Activity 2: Still haunting theaters, but I doubt it's making as much dough as the first one, which was a mess. Essentially, it's up to you whether you want to pay twelve bucks to take a nap.
Jews and Baseball - An American Love Story: A documentary about Jews and baseball. Duh. On my list. I suspect we'll hear about Sandy Koufax, Shawn Green, Hank Greenberg, and some middling infielder named Ross Hashanah.
Queen of the Lot: An up-and-coming actress travels to meet her movie star boyfriend's family. It stars somebody named Tanna Frederick and we will now pause so that everybody can say "who."
Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer: I hear this documentary is very pro-Spitzer. How do you make a conviving politician who uses public funds to meet high profile call girls a sympathetic character? That's like entrusting your homeowner's association treasury to Charles Rangel.
Hereafter: I've seen this Clint Eastwood look at the afterlife and it's not as depressing as you would think. Regardless of the subject matter, Clint always knows how to tell a story that holds your interest. But, the real money is spent on the first ten minutes where he masterfully re-stages that Pacific tsunami with very little CGI.
The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest: Got stung. End of movie.
You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger: Woody Allen's latest. He makes all his movies now in either England or Spain because he can't get financial backing in the United States. When you see this one as I did, you'll know why. Nothing more than "Hannah and Her Sisters Goe to London," but only one-tenth as good.
Fair Game: Sean Penn and Naomi Watts in some alleged "true story" about the Bush administration's inept attempt to find weapons of mass destruction. When does Hollywood start to make movies about the missteps in the Obama White House? The answer is probably never.
Dinner last night: Beef sausage and salad.
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