Monday Morning Video Laugh - December 19, 2016

It wouldn't be the holidays without this gem!

Dinner last night:  Sweet and sour chicken with snap peas and rice. 

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Those Dreaded Christmas Songs One More Time

It's back!  Just like stale fruit cake.   And since it's Sunday, the piece does have some memories sprinkled throughout.

Okay, folks.  This is one of those Christmas pieces that you have seen before.   But you've also seen "Charlie Brown Christmas" and "It's A Wonderful Life" dozens of times.  If you can do that, you certainly can read some comedy blog entries more than once.   And this is now a holiday tradition for me on this blog, so I have compiled several years worth of these snarky comments.  You should read through it, because there is some new stuff peppered in.
  

I'm talking about those wonderfully bad Christmas songs you can't avoid at this time of year, or really after Labor Day for that matter.

There's always some radio station playing nothing but one Christmas song after another. Some are terrific and I could listen to them over and over. And, yet, there are others that should come around just once a year and that's it. And, when you listen to some of the asinine lyrics (and subtext), your mind wanders...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: So, you know that, on the first unfoggy Christmas Eve, Rudolph was downsized right out on his sorry ass.  Technically, with the power he wields, Santa Claus is clearly part of the evil 1%.  Or maybe he brings in newer and younger reindeer.  From Mumbai.   I recently heard a version of this done by Dean Martin. In German. I'm wondering what bottles were finished off in the recording studio that night. Meanwhile, remember that stupid little Rudolph didn't even exist until the Montgomery Ward store invented him in 1939!

Santa Baby: Every female singer in the world has attempted this ditty. But, only  the ultra slutty Eartha Kitt does it justice. Meanwhile, is that one gold digging whore or what? Honey, I'd get you some nice Christmas earrings but your ankles would probably knock them off.  Let's all be thankful that some Real Housewife hasn't tackled this mess...yet.  Meanwhile, poor Eartha Kitt actually died on Christmas Day several years ago.   This should have prompted some updated lyrics.

"Santa baby, there's a question.  I have to ask it.

I think next year, I'm gonna need a casket." 

Frosty the Snowman: A wonderful Christmas memory for children. A friend whose shelf life is maybe three weeks tops.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town: This song suggests the onset of more psychological problems. "You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I'm telling you why." So, some poor kid grows up afraid to show one single emotion. No wonder we wind up with school shootings. Can you imagine some innocent 8 year-old boy? "My grandpa died last night, but I can't cry about it because then Santa Claus won't come." I do, however, have a fantasy rendition of this. I would have loved to hear it sung by Joan Crawford.

Same song as above sung by Bruce Springsteen:  Okay, I have an announcement.  I have never been a big fan of the Boss.  Totally overrated and a virtual fraud as a human being.  He's a tax cheat and doesn't back up his political viewpoints with his own actions.  That aside, this record sounds like it was recorded in Bruce's basement and I can't stand the laughing and mugging done by him and that dead fat bastard Clarence Clemons.  Oh, how did you handle your five wives at Christmas time, Clarence?

The Little Drummer Boy:  "The ox and lamb kept time.  Pa rum pum pum pum."  Wow, that's impressive.  Sign them up for "America's Got Talent."  I hate this song, but my mother bought the 45 rpm record when it first came out.  She played it over and over and over and over.  Pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum pum pa rum pum pum.

Deck the Halls:  "Don we now our gay apparel."  Only valid for singing in certain states.

The First Noel:  Noel?  Either a Christmas carol or a Chicago lamentation about a transit strike.

Baby, It's Cold Outside:  Every screwball pairing has attempted a version of this song, which was originally in the movie "Neptune's Daughter" as sung by Red Skelton and Betty Garrett.  When are Barack and Michelle going to put out their version?  They have only a month left.  Meanwhile, the best rendition I've ever heard was done by Pearl Bailey and somebody named Hot Lips Pages.  They ad lib dialogue throughout it and the record is hilarious.

Winter Wonderland: The lyrics from the fifth grade always stick in my head. "Walking around in women's underwear."  Except I am now aware that somebody actually put lyrics to the whole song. 

Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask for her permission.

I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose.

Walking around in women's underwear.

In the store, there's a teddy.  With little straps, like spaghetti.

It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night.

Walking around in womens underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say "Are you ready?"

I'll say, "Woah man! Let's wait untill the wife is out of town."

Later on, if you wanna, we can dress like Madonna.

Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.

Walking around in women's underwear.

The Christmas Song: Same thing. The fifth grade version. "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."  Mel Torme had a big hit with this.  He was a known dirtbag in Hollywood.  I hate him.  I hate the song.

Last Christmas: First done by George Michael and Wham in 1984. Think about the song's refrain. "Last Christmas. I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone special." How warm and special does that make you feel? This is the first ever Christmas FU song.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: Underneath the Christmas tree last night. Does Little Sally question this behavior? Probably not, because she's already seen Mommy kissing the cable guy, the mailman, "Uncle" Phil, and her "best friend" Muriel.  Wait till little Rufus does a DNA test on himself and discovers that Santa is his baby daddy.

We Three Kings of Orient are:  Since not everybody digs myrrh, I hope they bring gift receipts.

Do You Hear What I Hear by Whitney Houston:  Oh, boy, Whitney, I hope not.

Sleigh Ride by Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme:  Now that says Christmas to me.  Holiday tunes sung by two Sephardic Jews.   Eydie left us a few years back and I am still inexplicably wistful when I heard this tune.  Blame it on the Bossa Nova.

Oh, Come, All Ye Faithful: Now, why the call for the faithful, joyous, and triumphant to come forward? These folks have already bought in. It should be "Oh, Come, All Ye Despondent, Broken, and Agnostic." No wonder less people are going to worship these days. They're been literally preaching to the choir.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: This is indeed my favorite "modern" Christmas song. I love Judy Garland's version first introduced in "Meet Me in St. Louis." And, Michele Lee did a tremendous job with the song in a 1990 episode of "Knots Landing." But, the rendition that always makes me sad is Karen Carpenter's. A voice lost too, too soon. And hearing her always makes me want to reach for a snack.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Another absolute knee slapper from the morons who live in red-colored states. Guffaw, guffaw. If I laugh anymore, my wooden teeth will fall out. Only some jerk in Arkansas would enjoy this despicable mess. Meanwhile, Grandma has no idea how lucky she has it. Ending a life of Midwestern misery after being a head model for one of Blitzen's hoof prints.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow:  A big hit with NYC Department of Sanitation who's always looking for overtime.

Silver Bells:  We did a version of this when I was a kid.  "Silver bells, Santa smells, and Easter's on its way."

Here Comes Santa Claus Right Down Santa Claus Lane:  Because the song doesn't really work if Santa's coming down the Belt Parkway.

Holly Jolly Christmas:  Rhetorical question---is holly a noun or an adjective?  From this song, I can't really tell.  Another annoying ditty by Burl Ives, who worked just one month a year.  Yes, I know he was a respected actor and Oscar winner, but nobody really paid attention except for when he showed up with these annoying Christmas records.

All That Soundtrack from A Charlie Brown Christmas:  It took 50 years but that crap is now officially overplayed.   Please break Schroeder's fingers immediately.

Feliz Navidad: The annual reminder that Jose Feliciano once had a career. Gee, Jose, don't the lights on the tree look wonderful? Oh, never mind.

The Chipmunk Song: I can hear this once a year and no more. I remember this being played constantly when I was a kid. Not only did it sell tons of records, but it also probably drove up the sales of helium tanks.

Happy Christmas by John Lennon and Yoko Oh No:  A new candidate for most annoying and overplayed song.  That whispering to the kids at the beginning literally creates cavities in my teeth.  My finger can't get to the pre-set dial fast enough.  If John Lennon had not been shot in December and so close to the holidays, this record would have been in a dumpster behind the Dakota years ago.  I wish we could redo it a bit so one of the whispers you hear at the end is "can I have your autograph?"

Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus:  This apparently was a big hit in 1958, but I never heard the song until I moved to California.  And with good reason, because it's straight from below the border.  Mamacita, there's a border??  What the hell-o is that-o?  Check out the lyrics that essentially turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?  Donde esta Santa Claus?

And the toys that he will leave.

Mamacita, oh, where is Santa Claus?

I look for him because it's Christmas Eve.

I know that I should be sleeping,

But maybe he's not far away,

Out of the window I'm peeping,

Hoping to see him in his sleigh.

I hope he won't forget to clack his castinet,

And to his reindeer, say,

"Oh Pancho, Oh! Vixen, Oh! Pedro, Oh! Blitzen,"

Ole! Ole! Ole! cha cha cha.

Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?

Oh! Where is Santa Claus?

Okay, where the heck do I start?  Santa clicking a castanet?  Changing the names of the reindeer?  Meanwhile, Santa Claus better be one smart cookie to know that the Perez household needs more presents than might have been reported in that letter to the North Pole.  You see, there's a whole family of cousins, aunts, and uncles living in the basement that nobody knows about.  And, if you're really looking for Santa Claus, little Mexican kid, you might want to look in the car trunk.  Probably not played at Trump Tower.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams:  Yeah, this fun song is a hard listen now that Andy's gone.  I have a friend out in LA who once went out caroling with him.  How freakin' cool is that?

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas:  A huge hit in 1953 and, given it was the Eisenhower administration, I will just assume most people were asleep at the time.  Some annoying ten-year-old urchin named Gayla Peevey sings it and she wants a big, smelly animal under her tree Christmas morning.  I guess her drunken uncle isn't the answer.  Authorities always tell us to avoid giving puppies as Christmas presents since people don't realize that the dog is probably shitting all over the house on December 26.  I guess the same goes for bigger animals.  Are there a lot of returns to a hippopotamus pound?

The Christmas Shoes:  Hands down, the worst Christmas song ever! As somebody who has actually spent two different Christmases watching my parents' ultimately fatal illnesses play out against a backdrop of merriment, why would you want to infuse a joyful holiday with such incredible sadness? But, that's just what the song "The Christmas Shoes" does.

This piece of dreck has been around for about 10 years, and allegedly was a big hit on the country charts when it first came out. It's all about some poor little boy who wants to buy some new shoes on Christmas Eve because his mom is on her deathbed. There's no Christmas miracle at the end of the song. I'm guessing Mommy checks out as predicted. Off to meet Jesus wearing some Payless specials. And this little boy's left alone. Merry F-ing Christmas!

I am sure many, many people are forced to endure such sorrow every year around this time. I certainly had my share. I once spent a Christmas Day shuttling between two different hospitals visiting my father and my mother. But, like we all must do, I tried to move forward. Yet, every damn Christmas, this song gets played as a constant reminder. Can we at least appreciate joy for one single moment without thinking about dire consequences? The writers of this disaster should go off to meet Jesus themselves. Real soon.

Do They Know It's Christmas:  That horrible Band-Aid song from 1984 which supposedly donated all profits to curbing famine in Ethiopia.  The tune has the reverse effect on me whenever it comes on the radio.  I stick my fingers down my throat and puke up everything I ate for dinner last night.  A group of new British rock singers did a new version of the song with lyrics tied to fighting the Ebola virus.  Meanwhile, more people will likely die from the flu this winter.

Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses:  Folks, for me, the most infectious Christmas song is this one.  It just makes me bounce up and down.  It's actually ideal as background for cutting off a driver in a mall parking lot as you fight for that last space.   Or when you still have one present to wrap and you just hit the end of Scotch Tape roll.  Oh, shit, I can't tell where the last piece ended. Whatever the case, listen in and enjoy.



Dinner last night:  Beef and mushroom risotto at Il Fornaio.

Classic TV Theme of the Month for December 2016

Not exactly a TV theme song, but this is a magnificent version of Michele Lee singing my favorite Christmas song on a 1990 episode of Knots Landing.   You won't really understand the plot points that play out in the musical montage (I do), but relish the audio.

Dinner last night:  Beef enchilada at Tortilla Republic.

Your Holiday Movie Guide for December 2016

Ah, the Christmas show fifty years ago at Radio City Music Hall in New York.  You can almost smell the chestnuts roasting on the corner of 50th and 6th Avenue as you waited on line to get in.   

No movie any more.   Just a canned stage show basically constructed around the bit where the Rockettes dressed as toy soldiers and fall down on one another.  

What kind of presents is Hollywood offering us this holiday season?   Well, you know the routine by now.   I'll sift through the LA Times movie guide and give you my gut reaction to what's out there this weekend.  Paging Fred MacMurray!

Moana:  Disney's latest cartoon with a young girl as a heroine.   The same story and stale songs that have been used in the last dozen Disney cartoons.   Would it kill them to feature a young boy in one of these stories?

Arrival:   Previously reviewed here.  An adult sci-fi movie.   Not a single scare but plenty to think about.

Jackie:   This would be one for me, but I hear it's dull as dirt.   How can you make a movie about Jackie Kennedy uninteresting?

Loving:  I hear that this movie is so slow that snails walk out of the theater faster.

Lion:   Oscar buzz although I don't know a single thing about this film.  I guess I'm too far away from the hive.

Miss Sloane:  Jessica Chastain in something.   For all you Jessica Chastain fans.

The Comedian:  Robert DeNiro trying to be funny.   I guess the anti-Trump rant was a good start.

Manchester By The Sea:   Blog review coming.   This time the Oscar buzz gets close enough to sting me.

La La Land:   Emma Stone in a musical??   Hell, you don't have to tell me twice.   One please.

Elle:   I don't think this is a documentary about the twelfth letter in the alphabet.

The Founder:  Michael Keaton as the man who started McDonald's.   And indirectly the man who necessitated the need for statin drugs.

Allied:  Blog review coming.  Brad Pitt in some Casablanca wannabe that bombed at the box office its first weekend.  I will review it anyway.

Rules Don't Apply:   Previously reviewed here.   I liked it.   It's already gone from a lot of theaters.   What do I know?

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them:   How much money does JK Rowling need to live a comfortable life?

Moonlight:   Previously reviewed.   An interesting tale albeit a bit overrated and over written.

Nocturnal Animals:   Amy Adams' back-up role in case she doesn't get a nomination for Arrival.

The Eagle Huntress:   Even the title sounds boring.

Office Christmas Party:   Blog reviewed just the other day.  The trailer looked stupid and a bit childish.   I still am curious because, after all, everybody's been stupid and a bit childish at an office Christmas party.  And who doesn't like that?

Kill Ratio:   Now that sounds like a holiday picture to me.

All We Had:   Katie Holmes as a young mother finding solace in a small town. Didn't we see this on the Hallmark Channel two dozen times before?

Beyond the Gates:   A lethal video game.   Aren't they all?

Brand New Testament:   God's 10 year-old daughter lives in Brussels.   Seriously.   That's the log line I found.   Who's the mother?

Burn Country:  An Afghan refugee lands in Northern California.   Just one?

Frank and Lola:   I know nothing, except that I doubt it's about Sinatra and Falana.

Bad Santa 2:   Strictly for those who saw Bad Santa 1.

The Edge of Seventeen:   One of the best movies I saw this year.

Bleed for This:   Miles Teller as a boxer and this one got knocked out in the first weekend, too.

Doctor Strange:  More Marvel drivel.

Almost Christmas:   Entertaining although you have seen this dysfunction family during the holidays tale at least five times before.

Trolls:   People who voted for Bernie Sanders?

Sugar Mountain:  A thug chases a young man through Alaska.   Will we find out if you can really see Russia from there?

Solace:   Anthony Hopkins plays a retired physician with psychic powers.   I wonder if he can predict if the movie will be any good.

Rogue Wars - A Star Wars Story:   Not a real Star Wars movie, but now that Disney owns the franchise, they will milk it dry.

Collateral Beauty:  Will Smith stars in his annual attempt at getting an Oscar. The usual acting enema.

Hollow Point:   Patrick Wilson guard the US-Mexico border to prevent drug cartels from getting in.   He's not doing a very good job.

Dinner last night:  Long travel day so just some pretzels.

Morons of the Month - December 2016

You won't want to this holiday season after you look at these slobs right across the aisle from you.

 This is not your living room, sir.

 Nothing like spreading them at 35,000 feet.

 What's that smell?

 Pedicure please, Seat 13B.

 She refuses to miss a meal.

 Their home is probably pristine.

 Please remove your cuticle from my elbow.

 No seat belt wants to be around this.

 Love those vacant seats on the three across.

 Girl on the go.

 We had an accident.

Ah, that feels better.

Dinner last night:  Roast beef sandwich.

This Date in History - December 14

Opie!!!

1287:  DURING THE ST. LUCIA'S FLOOD, THE ZUIDER ZEE SEA WALL IN THE NETHERLANDS COLLAPSES, KILLING OVER 50,000 PEOPLE.

Zuider Zee any relation to the Tappan Zee?

1503:  ASTROLOGER NOSTRADAMUS DIES.

He guessed 1505.  Wrong again!!!

1542:  PRINCESS MARY STUART BECOMES MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS.

As if if you would expect her to be named Morty, King of Scots.

1782:  THE MONTGOLFIER BROTHERS' FIRST BALLOON LIFTS OFF ON ITS FIRST TEST FLIGHT.

You'll notice there is no mention of it landing.

1799:  PRESIDENT GEORGE WASHINGTON DIES.

That cherry tree karma finally caught up to him.

1812:  THE FRENCH INVASION OF RUSSIA COMES TO AN END AS THE REMNANTS OF THE GRANDE ARMEE ARE EXPELLED FROM RUSSIA.

Thereby ending the marketing concept of croissants stuffed with beets.

1819:  ALABAMA BECOMES THE 22ND US STATE.

Who insisted on this???

1836:  THE TOLEDO WAR UNOFFICIALLY ENDS.

I wonder what side Danny Thomas was on.

1896:  THE GLASGOW UNDERGROUND RAILWAY IS OPENED BY THE GLASGOW DISTRICT SUBWAY COMPANY.

Well, it wouldn't be opened by the New Rochelle District Subway Company, would it?

1902:  ACTRESS FRANCES BAVIER IS BORN.

When she died in 1989, they found she had about two dozen cats roaming around her house.  And she thought the house was messy when Gomer spent the night.

1902:  THE COMMERCIAL PACIFIC CABLE COMPANY LAYS THE FIRST PACIFIC TELEGRAPH, FROM SAN FRANCISCO TO HONOLULU.

The very first wire read "Frances Bavier born."

1903:  THE WRIGHT BROTHERS MAKE THEIR FIRST ATTEMPT TO FLY WITH THE WRIGHT FLYER AT KITTY HAWK, NORTH CAROLINA.

Like that balloon I mentioned before, there is no mention of it landing.

1908:  COMEDIAN MOREY AMSTERDAM IS BORN.

Tell me about it.

1911:  ROALD AMUNDSEN'S TEAM OF EXPLORERS BECOMES THE FIRST TO REACH THE SOUTH POLE.

They were shooting for the North Pole, but who am I to quibble?

1917:  CHOREOGRAPHER JUNE TAYLOR IS BORN.

And away we go....

1920:  FOOTBALL PLAYER GEORGE GIPP DIES.

Did they win?

1935:  ACTRESS LEE REMICK IS BORN.

I met her once.  Just saying.

1939:  THE SOVIET UNION IS EXPELLED FROM THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS FOR INVADING FINLAND.

Too bad.  They had a shot at third place in 1940.

1946:  ACTRESS PATTY DUKE IS BORN.

She's lived most everywhere...from Zanzibar to Barclay Square...and now she's....oh, well.

1946:  THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY VOTES TO ESTABLISH ITS HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK CITY.

And now fourth grade classes finally have someplace to go on a field trip.

1955:  ALBANIA, AUSTRIA, BULGARIA, CAMBODIA, FINLAND, HUNGARY, IRELAND, ITALY, JORDAN, LAOS, LIBYA, NEPAL, PORTUGAL, ROMANIA, SPAIN, AND SRI LANKA JOIN THE UNITED NATIONS.

This is what happens when you lower the annual dues.  You'll discover later on that December 14 is a magical day for the UN.

1961:  THE UNITED REPUBLIC OF TANZANIA JOINS THE UNITED NATIONS.

See.

1962:  NASA'S MARINER 2 BECOMES THE FIRST SPACECRAFT TO FLY BY VENUS.

Obviously, Venus is a local stop and this was an express.

1972:  APOLLO ASTRONAUT EUGENE CERNAN IS THE LAST PERSON TO WALK ON THE MOON.

And there are some who still think they did this in a Burbank soundstage.

1975:  ACTOR ARTHUR TREACHER DIES.

Sleeping with the fishes....and the chips.

1980:  BASEBALL PLAYER ELSTON HOWARD DIES.

Might be proof that Gulden's Mustard kills.

1985:  BASEBALL PLAYER ROGER MARIS DIES.

Asterisked because Babe Ruth died during a leap year.

1997:  ACTOR STUBBY KAYE DIES.

Finally sat down and the boat stopped rocking.

1993:  ACTRESS MYRNA LOY DIES.

Not exactly the best year of her life.

1998:  ACTOR NORMAN FELL DIES.

In death, one's company enough.

1999:  KIRIBATI, NAURU, AND TONGA JOIN THE UNITED NATIONS.

Careful, UN.  You're liable to run out of chairs.

2004;  NEW YORK MET ROD KANEHL DIES.

God needed somebody who could play both second and short.

2006:  ACTOR MIKE "LIONEL" EVANS DIES.

There goes the neighborhood.

2008:  PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH MAKES HIS FINAL TRIP TO IRAQ AND IS ALMOST STRUCK BY TWO SHOES THROWN AT HIM DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE.

The shoes were one thing, but did they ever to hurl the orthotics, too?

2012:  SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTING.

No words needed.

2013:  ACTOR PETER O'TOOLE DIES.

Lawrence of Forest Lawn.

2014:  TV PERSONALITY BESS MYERSON DIES.

I've got a secret.   She and beau Ed Koch probably never slept together.

2015:  BUSINESSWOMAN LILLIAN VERNON DIES.

Which explains why your catalog order might be late.

Dinner last night:  Pizza at Angelini's.

Two Christmas Movies, One Review

The Christmas season has provided great fodder to film makers over the years as every December "gifts" us with one or two of these themed movies.  Some turn into classics that you view every year on TV or DVD.  Others go into oblivion.  And still there are some which will exist mainly because they were smart enough to include the word "Christmas" in the title.

Take, for instance, the movie above...

So here's Len doing his part to promote Hollywood diversity during the holiday season.   Look what I saw.

Truth be told, I sought out "Almost Christmas" because the trailer reminded me of another film called "This Christmas" from 2007.  It was the tale of an extended African-American family gathering for Christmas with the usual dysfunctional drama.  I surprisingly found it quite charming and actually have put it into my annual holiday flick rotation.

So I see the ad for "Almost Christmas" and it even looks like the one for "This Christmas."   So I get sucked in.   And, again the surprise is on me.   I liked "Almost Christmas," too.

Damn.

Okay, frankly, it is exactly the same movie.   While the "This Christmas" clan gathers on the south side of LA, the "Almost Christmas" tribe is based in Birmingham, Alabama.   But, trust me, there are few other differences.   In the first film, Loretta Devine was the matriarch.   In this one, Danny Glover is the patriarch celebrating his first Christmas with the missus.   An easy gender flip, but I could swear both Devine and Glover uttered the same lines.

Meanwhile, everything else matches up.

Feuding sisters.  Check.

Battles over decorations and food.  Check.

Philandering son-in-law (played here by the always welcome J.B. Smoove from my hometown of Mount Vernon, New York).  Check.

Token White participant in cast.  Check.

Big revelations at Christmas dinner table.  Check.

Catchy pop sound track.  Check.

Indeed, "Almost Christmas" is the same movie just with a little less charm.   In its place is a bit more slapstick.   And one major element.

Mo'Nique.   And who has seen her since she won her Oscar a few years back?   Well, she's in this and steals every scene she is in as Glover's smart ass sister-in-law.   She shows up like Auntie Mame with five suitcases crammed full of wigs and hair extensions.  Every line she has is biting and fun and you miss her when she's not on screen as much as she should be.   The producers must have figured that out because the closing credits are set against her bloopers which have some profanity that even I haven't heard.   

Normally, "Almost Christmas" would have been dismissed by yours truly as a complete imitation of a better film.   But, Mo'Nique saves the day and the movie's ultimate Len rating.

LEN'S RATING:  Three stars.

And just when you thought I was done with new Christmas movies in 2016, here comes another one down the chimney.  Like the typical holiday/dysfunctional family flick, there's a whole sub genre that takes the season and puts a stupid, gross spin on it all.  The anti-warm-feeling film.

For me, the best of that lot will always be "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," which gets into my holiday viewing rotation every year at this time. Now, do I think "Office Christmas Party" will get that same legacy?  Probably not.  

But I can tell you I laughed out loud.   A lot.

Okay, this is the kind of movie you need to go with that one special friend who is not shy about laughing at stupidity and grossness.   We all have somebody like that and I went to see this film with such a person.   You end up laughing because each other is laughing.   It becomes infectious.   And then the movie itself is artificially elevated to levels where it probably doesn't belong.

Oh, who the hell cares?   I enjoyed it.

The formula story here is as expected.  You have the mean boss, played with snark by Jennifer Aniston, who cancels the Christmas party because the company is going to financial ruin.  You have the dutiful manager, as essayed by Jason Bateman, who has the potential new client that will save the day.  The trick is that he needs to entertain that guy at an...wait for it...office Christmas party.  Luckily, Aniston is on her way out of town.   Of course, the writers then cue up the inevitable snowstorm that stops travel.  

You probably knew where this was going before I started writing this review.

I'm sure you've all gone to wild office Christmas parties and the one in this film and applies about seventy pounds of steroids.  You get exactly what you expect. Nudity on a copy machine.   Sex.   Lousy music with an even lousier DJ. Cocaine.  Drunkenness.   Hookers.  Guns.   Criminals.   The "F" bomb...many times.  It's exactly what you think you will get from this "Office Christmas Party."   

And I laughed out loud.  A lot.   If this is the stuff on your cinematic list from Santa, he delivers.

The best part about this film are some of the visuals which go unexplained in the background.  You might have to see this movie a second time to catch them all.

Meanwhile, all the performances by actors I know and don't know are spot-on. Suitably over-the-top for a movie that requires really no acting filters.  Besides the aforementioned Aniston and Bateman, you will also enjoy the work of Courtney B. Vance as the stuffy new client who lets loose in bizarre ways.  And Kate McKinnon from SNL is welcome as the prim and proper HR manager. Admittedly, every thing Kate plays comes off like an extension of her Hillary Clinton impression.  So, in essence, it's hilarious to watch Hillary in a bar full of prostitutes.  And, of course, there is the now requisite bunch of outtakes and bloopers that run behind the closing credits.   

Actually, for me, the one small scene between Aniston and a little girl who stole her cinnamon bun in an airport waiting area is one that I would watch over and over each Christmas.   Okay, I'm laughing just thinking about it again.

So, find that one special friend and go off the rails with "Office Christmas Party."   

And what a gift this was for you today.   Two movie reviews in one blog posting.  T'is the season.

LEN'S RATING:  Three stars.

Dinner last night:  Pasta with broccolini and sausage at Pappardella.