Meeting My Qualifications for Air Travel

My return to Los Angeles yesterday was a ten hour ordeal that even zoning out in my 35,000 mile high multiplex with "Bringing Up Baby" couldn't repair. I will never ever fly out of Newark Airport on a late Friday afternoon again. They handle air traffic with the same skill that our government manages the Iraq "Don't Call Me Vietnam" war. The most horrible words I heard yesterday: "We are 23rd in line to take off."

Of course, a jammed flight with the "public" did not help. I really think we need to emend who gets to fly---both when and how. I wish airlines would impose the following easy 10 step questionnaire to determine someone's "flyability."


1. Are you human? If yes, please continue to question #2.

2. Do you like to take your shoes off for long periods of time? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

3. Do the children traveling with you have problems sitting in their seat for more than 2 minutes at a time? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

4. Have you ever been trained in the use of a Kleenex? If no, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

5. Do you just love to stop at fast food places in the airport before boarding and buy anything that contains cheese or onions? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

6. Do you view public places as a simple extension of your living room at home? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

7. When you do a Sudoku puzzle mid-flight, do you explain out loud the logic of every number's place to the passenger next to you? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

8. Did you shower within twenty-four hours of boarding the aircraft? If no, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

9. Do you use the seat pocket in front of you as a garbage can? If yes, there is no reason to continue with this questionnaire.

10. Are you able to read? If no, then all other answers you provided above are now discarded.


If we impose these very simple regulations, air travel will be so easy. And it will probably reduce the number of Americans who qualify to about 173.


Dinner last night: a bag of trail mix. Yep, I had to resort to "Food for Purchase" on AA Flight 119