Letter to Sanjaya

Hey, Dude---

I know you must be super crazy working on your song for next week, doing that goofy Ford video, and combing through Mad Magazine looking for that next special hair style. I'll be brief.

While I wasn't sure for a while, I now know that you get the joke. You know exactly what is going on with Idol and the public. And you are loving it. You know you sound like crap. And I am not impressed by those public comments from your choir director about your untapped potential. Dude, even I sound good in church. Who can mess up a classic like "Hark The Herald Angels Sing?"

And I thought who's doing all the voting for you? Maybe it's those silly pre-teen girls (or boys) you're always smiling at. Or those nutjob Howard Stern fans. You know you'll wind up doing his radio show at some point and I hope you are prepared for a porno star to rub your nipples while some midget gives you a pedicure. I'm pretty sure your relatives back in the Ganges have the Idol numbers in speed dial while picking nits off each other.

Yeah, dude, you got it all together right now. But, let's face it, you've got as much of a chance to have a recording career as JFK does. So, you can ride it all now and end up with squat. Or, you can ensure success now. Hire me as your agent.

You know it's going to get ugly if all this craziness behind you upends a potential career for really strong singing talents like Melinda, Lakisha, or Jordan. So, why don't you disconnect the insanity now and step down from Idol now? It would be the PR move of the year. And I will guarantee the offers. How about a Nickelodeon sitcom----"The Adventures of Sanjaya at the Third Street Mall?" Maybe you could do the red carpet stuff like Seacrest or Joan Rivers. I am thinking you'll be working constantly.

But you gotta step down now. That's the deal. Success now...or none later. Your call, Dude. I'm in the book.

Dinner last night: sandwich and salad.