TV Land has been broadcasting their annual classic TV awards this week. Have you been exposed to this video virus yet? What they do is pull a lot of Hollywood back numbers into an airplane hangar (seriously, it is an actual hangar at Santa Monica Airport), feed them dinner, and make them sit through such ridiculous presentations as "Series Finale You Hosted a Party to Watch" (the winner was M*A*S*H) and "Fake Product You Want to Buy" (the winner was Vitameatavegamin from I Love Lucy). When you see the event, it looks like one of those autograph and memorabilia conventions they have at a Holiday Inn next to the airport. Where all the attendees are these fat comic book store geeks who are running around with RiteAid shopping bags.
I was good for about 15 minutes of this, until my head started to hurt. I mean how many times can you be subjected to another reunion of the Brady Bunch cast? I swear they get together more than the Presidential Cabinet. I think that, if he hadn't already died from AIDS, Robert Reed would have shot himself by now.
And that brings to mind one of my classic TV encounters.
A few years back, a friend of mine was one of the coordinators of the Hollywood Christmas Parade. He got me to volunteer for the event, and always gave me a plum assignment.
One year, I was stationed at the door of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, which always served as the event's green room. Celebrities would gather there for a libation before hopping into their convertibles for the ride down Hollywood Boulevard. My job that year was to greet the celebrities at the door and point them to the green room. Nifty. Not too complicated. Other than this ugly red vest I had to wear, I was in a good place.
So, cars keep pulling up and celebrities spilled out. Don't be impressed. Kevin Eubanks. Rip Taylor. Jane Withers. Not even your D list. I'm thinking that, if they weren't there for the event, they'd be at home watching it on TV with a Stouffer's frozen dinner on their snack tray.
A car pulls up and out comes two heralded TV moms. Marion Ross from Happy Days and Florence Henderson from the Brady Bunch. Why they were carpooling to this was a mystery to me. But, nevertheless, out they popped and they approached the door. Unbeknowst to me, there were three 10 year-old girls standing near me---probably hotel guests. As soon as they saw Mrs. C and Carol Brady, they ran over for autographs.
Marion Ross was a total pro to these kids. Ever gracious, she thanked them for recognizing her and personalized autographs for each of them. Florence did the same, but I could see only the faintest glimmer of a smile.
Now, it was my turn. I held the door open, ready with a smile and a hello for their entrance.
Marion Ross came over first. She wished me a good evening, a Happy Holiday season, and thanked me for holding the door open for her.
Florence Henderson approached next. Once again, I held the door open, ready with a smile and a hello for her.
Flo scowled at me.
"You needed to do a better job keeping those kids away from me."
I was stunned by her brazen nastiness. All I could mutter was a voice-cracking "Excuse me."
"You heard me. We can't get blindsided by autograph hounds when we show up for these things."
I needed to respond somehow. In my most professional manner. I doubted if I would ever work with her, since she really hadn't done anything new since the $100,000 Pyramid in 1985. But, I felt compelled to say something as a semi-representative for the parade.
I responded. "I am sorry, Miss Henderson. I did not see them. And I am sure they are very excited in seeing somebody they have enjoyed on one of their favorite reruns."
She dismissed me with a frown and a wave of her clenched fist.
I secretly hoped that she would choke on her Polident-cleaned dentures. Let's be real here. The woman has parlayed a career out of a crappy TV show that was almost 30 years old. She owes any celebrity to those kids who are, for some bizarre reason, one more generation who is enamored with that pre-teen-targetted sitcom.
She should have smiled and engaged those kids. She should be happy they even bothered. She should have watched how Marion Ross handled the situation.
But, no, I guess. After all, she is Florence Henderson.
So, I'd like to give Florence Henderson my own classic TV award.
Most Beloved TV Mom Who's a Complete Creep in Real Life.
Dinner last night: Chinese buffet at Panda Inn in Glendale.
2 comments:
"Blindsided by autograph hounds?" Who she kidding? Three little girls? Yeah, it's really Day of The Locusts time.
What a dip. Tell this story every chance you get. Flo deserves all the bad publicity she can get.
I had heard over the years that Florence Henderson was a jerk (jerkette?). She always struck me as something of a lower-class version of Shirley Jones (even I would have been interested in meeting her!). It was nice to hear Marion Ross handled the situation like a pro, realizing that the time to be unhappy is when no one wants your autograph any more.
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