"Does anybody know what time is? Does anybody really care?"
The latter phrase now refers to the Oscars. I used to live for the ceremony. But, as it has become laden with political acceptance speeches and films that suck, I could care less. And, as viewership craters each year, they only make it worse. For instance, the hosts this year are Regina Hall, Amy Schumer, and Wanda Sykes.
Paging Bob Hope.
But, as those office NCAA bracket pools don't disappear, neither do Oscar office pools. Even if offices themselves are going the way of Silly Putty. If you're in a pool, read on and thank me when you win. Today. I'll tackle the categories nobody gives a shit about. Indeed, the Academy isn't even going to televise most of them.
SHORT ANIMATED FILM: Back in the day, that was called a cartoon. Usually featuring a funny animal. From the titles, I see only one that features some sort of critter. The winner is ROBIN ROBIN.
SHORT LIVE ACTION FILM: Back in the day, that was called Our Gang. In 2022, look for the one with the most "do goodie" plot. Ah, I see the words "rising intolerance" in one log line. The winner is THE LONG GOODBYE.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT: Another rule of thumb. Look for the most diverse title. Ah, I found it. The winner is THE QUEEN OF BASKETBALL. Duh.
VISUAL EFFECTS: Gratefully, I see none of these films anymore. But there is one movie that I hear will steal all the technical Oscars. The winner is DUNE.
SOUND: See Visual Effects. The winner is DUNE.
ORIGINAL SONG: I remember the day on an Oscar telecast when Sammy Davis Jr. sang "Talk to the Animals." Except for "Belfast," I saw none of the movies from which the nominated songs come from. And, frankly, all I heard in "Belfast" were explosions. Always go with a tune from a Disney cartoon. The winner is DOS ORIGUITAS from ENCANTO.
ORIGINAL SCORE: If there is a John Williams score, go with that. If not, guess. Oh, wait, Toto did the music for "Dune." That's too kitschy to be real. The winner is DUNE.
MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING: Well, this is easy. There's one movie listed that is all about the make-up and the hair. The winner is THE EYES OF TAMMY FAYE. A film I actually saw...and...gasp...liked.
COSTUME DESIGN: All I remember from this nominee I saw on a plane were the clothes. The winner is CRUELLA.
FILM EDITING: See Visual Effects, Sound, and Score. The winner is DUNE.
CINEMATOGRAPHY: See most of the above. The winner is DUNE.
INTERNATIONAL FEATURE FILM: Because the word "foreign" is too hard to say? Of these nominees, one is up in this category as well as Best Picture. That's usually a cinch to win one of the awards. And, in this case, it's a worthy victory because I really enjoyed the film even though it was three hours of Japanese subtitles. The winner is DRIVE MY CAR.
ANIMATED FEATURE: One of the nominated films is "Luca" and it was the first Pixar I have enjoyed in years, mainly because it boldly featured a young boy as the main character. But I keep seeing ads for Disney's other film which has a more diverse angle. The winner is ENCANTO.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Wow, I saw one of the nominees and loved it. It was all about that Harlem 1969 summer concert that was rivaling Woodstock. A marvelous musical movie. The winner is SUMMER OF SOUL.
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Adapted is a nice way of saying you used somebody else's idea. Now I have seen four of the five nominees and I really, really liked "CODA" and "Drive My Car." But the film jerks out here are all yakking up the dreadfully morose "Power of the Dog." Despite my protestations, I think the winner is POWER OF THE DOG.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: And speaking of using somebody else's ideas, why is "Licorice Pizza" in the Original category? I mean, the script was crafted from stories some actor named Gary Goetzman told director Paul Thomas Anderson. It was a movie I still can't get a handle on. But I am guessing this will be the bone for Mr. Anderson. The winner is LICORICE PIZZA.
Come on back tomorrow for the Big Kahuna Kategories.
Dinner last night: Salad.
No comments:
Post a Comment