Classic TV Commercial of the Month - February 2015

When E.F. Hutton talks...

Dinner last night:  Had my third grade lunch for dinner.   Grilled cheese with six pimento-stuffed olives on the side.

Happy Ground Mug Day

I guess he's only a part time clown.

 Popeye....literally.

I guess he wanted to go to jail.

 McDonald's is missing a French fry salter today.

 This ain't a yearbook photo, stupid.

Trick or treat.

Nail salon/bookie joint owner.

Oh, my God!   They've arrested Fred Flintstone.

Fill in your own caption, please.

My other 2 wishes?   That you stay right where you are.   And you're there for a couple of years.

As opposed to Protestant Warrior.  Or Jewish Warrior.

It's good that she knows who to call immediately.

Dinner last night:  Leftover Chinese beef and salad.

Keep Walking

Who is Cheryl Strayed and why do I care?

I didn't before I saw "Wild."   When the movie was over, I cared even less than that.  Leave it to Hollywood to give us a holiday movie that is so dreary we might all become atheists.

This film is clearly a labor of love for star Reese Witherspoon whose name appears all over the credits.   Executive Producer.  Star.  Freshly Baked Muffins on the Craft Services Table.   She obviously saw something in this true story, which was written by the real Cheryl Strayed.  Unfortunately, I saw nothing compelling at all.   Unless, of course, you really appreciate the unabashed in-movie product placement and endorsements for the REI Sports equipment chain.  I mean, smack in the middle, you are recited their shipping policy.  Seriously?

For those who care, the real Cheryl Strayed is some lunatic who, all by her lonesome, took a thousand-mile hike across the Pacific Crest Trail wherever the hell that is.  She was trying to heal her life.  She was a lowly waitress/heroin addict/slut who just got divorced because...wait for it...she strayed.  On top of it all, her mom just lost a battle with cancer.  PS, Laura Dern is the mom and I can remember when she was viewed as a young ingenue.  Dern disappears early on but her fans need not fear.  She keeps popping up in Cheryl's hallucinations out in the woods.   Around the tree?  Oh, look, it's Mom.  In that tent sleeping?  Oh, look, it's Mom.  Is that a coyote?   Oh, no, it's Mom in a fur coat.

Puh-leze.

"Wild" is another one of those first-hand accounts by some clown who thinks their story is unique and needs to be shared first in a book and now a film.  Memo to Cheryl Strayed: no, it doesn't.  We've seen this tale over and over and over again.   And you would think that even the scenery would be outstanding.  Everything is made to look so grim by director Jean-Marc (no relation to Rudy) Vallee.  I'm glad somebody greenlit his work on this film.   He'll never get a job shooting for the National Geographic Channel.

Witherspoon got an Oscar nomination for this role, primarily for the scene where she has to remove her big toenail in one quick yank.  Obviously, there are no Dr. Scholl's outlets out in the woods.  Unfortunately, all that buzz is for a hive with very little honey.   There is nothing unique about her work here and it just goes to make you despise the real Cheryl even more.   Of course, you see the latter in snapshots over the closing credits and I can remember when that now-common ploy was clever.  Indeed, you'll see that Cheryl Strayed looks less like Reese Witherspoon and more like Mason Reese.

Unless you really love hiking or boring yourself to tears with a story that has been told only a hundred and fifty times, you can pass on "Wild."   Not only did it not make me want to hike, I actually drove the two blocks home from the theater.

LEN'S RATING:  One and a half stars.

Dinner last night:  Stir-fry beef with snow peas.

  

This Date in History - February 4

Happy February 4.   An earthshaking day.  As you will read.

211:  ROMAN EMPEROR SEPTIMIUS SEVERUS DIES AT EBORACUM WHILE PREPARING TO LEAD A CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE CALDEONIANS.  HE LEAVES THE EMPIRE IN THE CONTROL OF HIS TWO QUARRELING SONS.

So you thought that Game of Thrones was intriguing?

960:  THE CORONATION OF ZHAO KUANGYIN AS EMPEROR TAIZU OF SONG, INITIATING THE SONG DYNASTY PERIOD OF CHINA THAT WOULD LAST MORE THAN THREE CENTURIES.

Three hundred years of song.  Just like Tony Bennett.

1169:  A STRONG EARTHQUAKE STRIKES SICILY, CAUSING TENS OF THOUSANDS OF INJURIES AND DEATH.

One.

1703:  IN EDO (NOW TOKYO), 46 OF THE FORTY-SEVEN RONIN COMMIT SEPPUKU (RITUAL SUICIDE).

Seppuku.  Not to confused with Sudoku.

1789:  GEORGE WASHINGTON IS UNANIMOUSLY ELECTED AS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE US BY THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.

It's all downhill from here.

1797:  THE RIOBAMBA EARTHQUAKE STRIKES ECUADOR, CAUSING UP TO 40,000 CASUALTIES.

Two.

1825:  THE OHIO LEGISLATURE AUTHORIZES THE CONSTRUCTION OF THE OHIO AND ERIE CANAL.

The good news?   Not an earthquake.

1846:  THE FIRST MORMON PIONEERS MAKE THEIR EXODUS FROM ILLINOIS TOWARDS SALT LAKE CITY.

Here comes the Osmonds.

1861:  IN ALABAMA, DELEGATES FROM SIX BREAK-AWAY US STATES MEET AND FORM THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA.

You Yankee bastards.

1902:  PILOT CHARLES LINDBERGH IS BORN.

Future Nazi sympathizer.

1915:  ACTOR WILLIAM TALMAN IS BORN.

Perry Mason's Hamilton Berger.

1918:  ACTRESS IDA LUPINO IS BORN.

Howard Duff's former wife.

1923:  ACTOR CONRAD BAIN IS BORN.

Gary Coleman's adopted father.

1936:  RADIUM BECOMES THE FIRST RADIOACTIVE ELEMENT TO BE MADE SYNTHETICALLY.

Glow in the dark.

1941:  THE USO IS CREATED TO ENTERTAIN AMERICAN TROOPS.

And to give Bob Hope an excuse to avoid Dolores during the holidays.

1945:  THE YALTA CONFERENCE BETWEEN CHURCHILL, ROOSEVELT, AND STALIN OCCURS IN THE CRIMEA.

This would ultimately be FDR's last trip abroad.

1966:  ALL NIPPON AIRWAYS FLIGHT 60 PLUNGES INTO TOKYO BAY, KILLING 133.

Unlike Malaysian Airways, they know what happened to this plane.

1969:  YASSER ARAFAT TAKES OVER AS CHAIRMAN OF THE PLO.

Yessir, Yasser.

1971:  MAYOR ERIC GARCETTI IS BORN.

The new Mayor of Los Angeles.  Which means we finally got rid of the old Mayor, that lummox Villaraigosa.

1974:  THE SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY KIDNAPS PATTY HEARST IN BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA.

When will they release here?   What's the hold up?

1975:  THE HAICHENG, CHINA EARTHQUAKE.

Three.

1976:  AN EARTHQUAKE KILLS MORE THAN 22,000 IN GUATEMALA AND HONDURAS.

Four.

1977:  A CHICAGO TRANSIT AUTHORITY ELEVATED TRAIN REAR-ENDS ANOTHER AND KILLS 11, THE WORST ACCIDENT IN THE AGENCY'S HISTORY.

But, at least, it wasn't during one of their lake-effect blizzards.

1983:  SINGER KAREN CARPENTER DIES.

From Top of the World to....

1987:  PIANIST LIBERACE DIES.

He died of AIDs???   How is that possible???

1998:  A 6.1 EARTHQUAKE KILLS MORE THAN 5,000 IN AFGHANISTAN.

Five.

2004:  FACEBOOK IS FOUNDED.

Like this.

2005:  ACTOR OSSIE DAVIS DIES.

Don't you wish he was once married to Harriet Tubman?

2006:  ACTIVIST BETTY FRIEDAN DIES.

No mistake.  Or mystique.

Dinner last night:  Leftover beef stew.

The Only American Sniper Movie Review You Need to Read

So much has been written already about "American Sniper."  Audiences have flocked to theaters in droves.   They reportedly are cheering and standing at the end.  Or, like the Cinerama Dome where I saw it, applause and then eerie stillness.    

It's been a long time since a movie grabbed this much attention.  Well, not counting "The Interview," which I and the North Koreans both regrettably saw.

At the same, "American Sniper," with its war theme, has also prompted its detractors.   Each with less credibility than the next.

Perennial Democratic loser Howard Dean said that the film will appeal to "the nut jobs on the right."  But, Dean himself is a perfect example of American politics in action.  If you're certifiably insane, you don't get committed.  You simply run for office.

We've heard snarky comments from the bloated mess formerly known as Michael Moore.  On Twitter, he's likening real snipers to cowards.  Of course, the only war Moore has been in is with his waistline.   And he lost that.  Oh, he always lost a tone of dough in the divorce settlement with his wife who is probably finally recovering from have 400 or so pounds on top of her every Saturday night.

And, of course, let's not forget the grossly unfunny Seth Rogen who also had nasty things to tweet about America and their military involvement in foreign lands.  Let's just hope that, in the future, Rogen just concentrates on what he does best.   And when we figure out just what he can do, call me.

Naturally, anyone on the left side of the aisle is automatically going to dislike "American Sniper" because, well, somebody probably told them to in an embedded e-mail thread.  I mean, director Clint Eastwood had the audacity to appear at a Republican National Convention and question the policies of the current administration in the White House.   Oh, well.  

Now, the smart person and intelligent moviegoer will see "American Sniper" and realize that it is probably the most balanced and layered war film to come out of Hollywood in years.  It doesn't glorify war nor does it argue against all conflicts.  It presents the story of the late Chris Kyle who, on four tours of duty in the Mideast as a Navy Seal, just happened to have the most sniper kills ever.   He is known as the Legend.  Sadly, there are soldiers who are entrusted to do just that day in and day out.  Protect their fellow troops and brothers.   Why?   Well, because,...guess what...there are snipers on the other side doing the same thing.   Indeed, these guys are up against some fiend on the other side called The Butcher who is picking off soldiers, women, and children from his own rooftop.

Funny how that's never discussed.

Yes, Chris Kyle is a good ole boy and a bit of a hothead.   At the same time, he enlists as soon as 9/11 happens.  And is committed to defending his country.   

Yeah, this is not somebody we want to admire.

The torture that Kyle goes through on every kill is transferred to everybody in the audience.   You feel his pain.  You understand the anguish his wife and family back home goes through every time he comes home for a while and then heads right back to battle.  

Director Clint Eastwood does a masterful job of showing up all sides of the argument.   Go see this with a friend and I double dare you not to discuss the film all the way home.  When Chris Kyle is blinded in a sandstorm, Eastwood creates the image on screen.   You can't see anything either.  He puts you right in the heat of battle.

This is a movie that will prompt smart discussions if you have smart people in your lives.  Friends of Howard Dean, Michael Moore, and Seth Rogen are frankly shit out of luck.  With "American Sniper," you understand the complex situations our soldiers are in.   This is no longer John Wayne storming a beach.  With technology in 2015, war is no only fought with a gun or a missile.   In some cases, it can be waged with the simple click of a mouse.

Bradley Cooper is well deserving of his Oscar nomination here because you actually forget you are watching an actor.  He won't win and neither will the picture because...well...you know.  Indeed, there is not a dead spot in the cast.   Frankly, I can't remember any of their names because I really thought I was watching the real thing.  You do get, over the closing credits, actual footage of the real Chris Kyle's funeral motorcade.   You will hear sniffles all around you.

"American Sniper" might be one of the best war films I've ever seen and my dad took me to all of them.  But, more importantly, the movie makes you think.   About the complicated world around us.

Let's face it, gang.   For those myopic folks who yearn for the days of sitting around a campfire and singing "Give Peace A Chance," that ship has unfortunately sailed.  If we had a remote chance of that, it disintegrated in the rubble of the World Trade Center.   This country, as well as many others, will be at war for the rest of time.

But, at the same time, how is that different from any other time on this planet?   There have always been religious wars and ethnic wars and economic wars.   It's called history.   Understand it as opposed to denying it even exists.

Go see "American Sniper" and begin your education.   As for me, I've got a great idea for a documentary.

How about we film Michael Moore sitting in a high school and taking eleventh-grade American History?

LEN'S RATING:   Four stars.

Dinner last night:   Onion soup and salad.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - February 2, 2015

The Not Ready for the Food Network player...Auntie Fee.

Dinner last night:  Beef stew.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - The Talk Show

This photo in itself is a time machine for me.  I had to do a little research to find out the identities of everybody in the snapshot.

From right to left, that's the wonderful Charlie Weaver, host Merv Griffin, British fashion model of the day Jean Shrimpton, Israeli singer/comedienne Aliza Kashi, and Merv's announcer Arthur Treacher.

What an eclectic gaggle of geese.  Five people that would be the unlikeliest of friends.  Or guests at the same party.  But there they are.  While I needed help to identify them all in 2015, I certainly would have known who they were when I was a kid.

That's because I lived in a TV talk show household.

Some very astute video company just put out a DVD collection of Merv Griffin shows from the 60s right through the 80s and I was a quick buyer.  Moreover, last weekend, I couldn't stop watching episodes one after another.  Once again, it was expert time travel for yours truly.  Suddenly, I was back in my grandmother's living room.  Invariably, each TV season, she would get disgusted with the prime time fare offered by the three big networks.

"They're making the people so stupid."

Grandma would sit on the little chair she used to park herself on in front of the TV whenever she wanted to change channels.  (There was no remote control for her black and white television).  And, usually, she wound up tuned to New York's Channel 5 Metromedia.   That's where the Merv Griffin Show aired every night at 830PM for ninety minutes.

The same ritual started upstairs at our level of the house as well.   Once my mom went back to working days, she had little use for regular television.   On popped Merv and his merry band of yaksters.

It's how we get in touch with show business and politics and life.  Because, back in that day, the TV talk show offered something for everyone.   Totally unrehearsed and unscripted.   Spontaneous as life itself.

A 180 degrees away from what TV talk shows are today.   

When I got to the age of nine or ten, I fell into the same TV patterns as my grandmother and mother did.   For me, it started as soon as I got home from school.   With the Mike Douglas Show.   4:30PM every afternoon.   Mike could have been my tutor.   I did more homework with him than with anybody else.

At the time, the Mike Douglas Show provided me with my first glimpses of the show business world.  Everything was wonderful.  All the movie and TV stars were nice people.  Everybody loved everybody else.  They were all regular people, who could be singing a song or telling a joke one minute and then cooking up some beef goulash the next.

I swallowed it all hook, line, and sinker.  And it was terrific.

Mike Douglas was unique back in the day.  Mike was one during the day and geared to mothers and kids.   Yeah, my house.  My grandmother had pretty much finished her early bird dinner on the first floor by the time Mike came onto Channel 9 in NY.

Meanwhile, upstairs, my mom was trying to figure out what to heat up for my supper as I wrapped up some book report for school.  The Mike Douglas soundtrack echoes throughout.  And I was glued.

 

Totie Fields trying to crawl up on a stool.

Milton Berle "being funny" by slapping Marty Allen in the face.

William F. Buckley playing charades.

It was all so weird, but delightful.

What made Mike's show so interesting was his daily broadcast always featured a weekly co-host.   Totally ingenious because, by the end of the week, you felt like that particular star was a member of your family.  I remember my grandmother (and me) becoming a huge fan of Pearl Bailey after she spent a week squeezed into those goofy white plastic chairs situated amid a sea of those big asterisks.  My grandmother said she wished Pearl could come over for dinner and that was a big deal in those days for my family, because it was specific that Pearl could eat the meal with us and not be the one serving it.

That's the way it was with the Mike Douglas Show.   It oozed this personal touch and Mike Douglas was the ultimate nice guy sharing his friends with you. And he mixed and matched them with abandon.  You could watch Moe Howard teaching Ted Knight how to take a custard pie to the face.   Or a three-year-old Tiger Woods teaching Bob Hope how to putt.  Or a strangely sober Judy Garland just chatting away with Mike and co-host Peter Lawford.

I gobbled it all up.   And then had my dinner.


If the sitcoms that night on prime time TV didn't tickle me, I'd join in either upstairs or downstairs with Merv Griffin.   A lot of the same people showed up on that show, but it was still different.  While Mike's show was a bunch of people having coffee over cake, Merv commandeered a nightly cocktail party.  There were performances, but the real feature was the conversation.  It could go in a variety of directions.  It was like somebody was planning a party but didn't give a damn about the guest list.  

You could have comic Moms Mabley with no teeth in.

Opera star Beverly Sills.

Country performer Minnie Pearl with the price tag hanging off her hat.

And rounding out the night...Robert F. Kennedy.

You'd scratch your head and wonder how any of this makes sense.   But, somehow, it was smart and funny and educational.

Merv regularly invited politicians or civic leaders like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr..  They'd mix in with the rest.  And the key to it all was that it wound up as a political discussion that was very...well...apolitical.

That's the cool thing about the likes of Merv and Mike and Johnny Carson.  To this day, you wouldn't know what their political leanings were.   They were as impartial as Switzerland.   Compare that to the bloated screwballs sitting behind desks today.  Folks like Bill Maher and David Letterman and the annoyingly overrated Jon Leibowitz...er, I mean...Jon Stewart.   Balanced discussions made for better television.

And smarter viewers.

Today's TV talk show has little spontaneity.  Most of the conversation is scripted and pre-planned in the green room.  There is no chance for any sort of organic moment.  Guests don't hang around long enough to sit with the other guests.  It is a sad testament to the folks who pioneered it all.   The guys who went out of their way to create lively and unpredictable television.

I was so enamored of it all that I tried to duplicate it on my own in the basement.  My own talk show.   If Grandma had freshly laundered curtains hanging to dry, it was even better.  I could make an entrance.   I'd come out, tell a few jokes, and introduce everybody to my co-host Barbara Feldon.   Well, she wasn't really there, but it was pretend after all.

That was all the influence of all the time I spent with Mike and Merv.   And, on Friday or holiday nights, Johnny.   Yeah, those were the only nights I could stay up.   And I longed for those days when I knew that I could finish off with Mr. Carson, hoping that, on this night, he would be listening to Suzanne Pleshette complain about her husband or Jimmy Stewart reciting a new poem he just wrote.

My daily education was complete.   And, by revisiting the Merv Griffin DVDs, I'm smarter all over again.

Dinner last night:  Shanghai noodles at Wokcano.