Classic TV Theme of the Month - February 2015

The very first season of Dallas.  Before Southfork was Southfork.

Dinner last night:  Orange chicken from Panda Express.

Your Winning Oscar Ballot, Part 2

Hattie McDaniel's big night.  Winning the Best Supporting Actress Oscar for Gone with the Wind.   Legend has it they made her sit right next to the kitchen during the actual ceremony.

Yesterday, I gave you your winning Oscar office pool ballot for the smaller categories.   Today, let's tackle the really big stuff.

BEST DIRECTOR:  I tipped you off on this one yesterday.   The Cinematography award usually matches up to the winner of the Director Oscar.  It's supposedly a tight race between Richard Linklater for Boyhood and that Scrabble fifty-pointer, Alejandro G. Inarritu for Birdman.  The latter won the DGA award.   The winner is INARRITU FOR BIRDMAN.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:  The Supporting categories are where inexplicable surprises have happened.   Remember Marisa Tomei?  Hello?  Marisa Tomei???  Well, not so this year.   These awards were sealed and delivered months ago.  For the incredibly overrated Boyhood, Patricia Arquette acted a single role over a twelve year period.   Not necessarily a wise career choice, since you can watch the actress herself age.   In Arquette's case, she ages badly.   But the Academy will be impressed by this.   I just hope she takes the time in her acceptance speech to acknowledge her grandfather, Charlie Weaver.   The winner is PATRICIA ARQUETTE FOR BOYHOOD.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:  I was one of the earliest advocates for the wonderful Whiplash.   As perhaps one of the meanest men ever depicted on screen, I said, months ago, that JK Simmons was not only a nomination lock, but a certain winner as well.  Everybody agrees with me now.   And that's how it should be.  The winner is JK SIMMONS FOR WHIPLASH.

BEST ACTRESS:  The Academy has been waiting patiently to bestow accolades on Julianne Moore.  This year is the brass ring for her.   All she had to do was land a role with that surefire award gimmick---an affliction.   Here she plays a housewife with the early onset of Ahlzeimer's.  I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but I am sure Moore is fine.   How can an actress not hit a homerun when the fast ball is right across the plate?   In the movie, the housewife is married to a character played by Alec Baldwin.   Some might argue that might provide a good reason to forget.  The winner is JULIANNE MOORE FOR STILL ALICE.

BEST ACTOR:  An amazingly tight race and the only one among the acting categories that could surprise.   It's between Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawkings and Michael Keaton as Birdman.    We have, in this competition, again the almost-award-slamdunk of illness and affliction.   Redmayne plays somebody with ALS.  Keaton plays somebody who is frankly insane.   I am guessing that voters will choose ALS over insanity, since they already know so many of their actor friends who are...well...nuts.   Being a lunatic thespian is nothing new in Hollywood.  The winner is EDDIE REDMAYNE FOR THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING.

BEST PICTURE:  This year, there are eight nominations.   I'd be quite happy if the Oscar went to either Grand Budapest Hotel, American Sniper, The Imitation Game, or (my favorite picture of the year) Whiplash.   But, for some reason, the industry is in love with the gimmick-laden Boyhood and Birdman.   Personally, the former was three hours of nothing-happens.   The latter was two hours of a-lot-happens-but-nobody-understands-it.  Hmmm.  How to choose?   This race might be as much of a toss-up as Best Actor.   There seems to be a late backlash against Boyhood.   Perhaps more people saw it via screeners.   And promptly fell asleep on their couches.   While I still have no clue what it was about, Birdman never ever lulled me into a nap.   It might be thoroughly confusing but I sure couldn't take my eyes off the screen.   The winner is BIRDMAN.

Let me know how you do in your office.  And there's no charge for this premium service of the Len Speaks blog.  

Dinner last night:  Flank steak at Palomino.



 

Your Winning Oscar Ballot, Part 1

It's that time of year, gang.   You've got that pesky office pool ballot for the Oscars staring at you.   You have no clue what to do with it.   Well, consult a winner.   Me.

Those of you regulars know that I participate in an annual Oscar pool with my two good pals back East, Lorraine and Dennis.   At stake is a nice meal in a Manhattan restaurant.   The two losers pay for the winner.  Trust me when I play you.   It's usually me watching Lorraine and Dennis plunk down their Visas for the dinner.   

But, it's Hollywood and anything can happen.  We start our competition by trying to predict the nominees in all the major categories.   I'm already one point up on my friends.   Now we have to pick the winners in every category being awarded this Sunday night.  Tomorrow, I'll give you my choices for all the big Oscars.   Today, I'll address the little awards.   You know, the ones you usually ignore while you're sifting through the bag and trying to find the special sauce you need for the fried dumplings that were just delivered.

BEST LIVE ACTION:   There are theaters that actually play these short films so people can see them and intelligently fill out their Oscar office pool ballots.   This year, you could even view them on demand at home.  Okay, just how much effort do you want to put into this?  And, besides, you might actually like one and pick it on personal preference.  Do you want satisfaction or do you want to freakin' win?   

Me?  I click on the titles and figure out what these damn things are about.  If the logline has a cause in it, I vote for it because...well...Hollywood's liberal heart is always bleeding.  For instance, if you read that something tells the story of a gay Black guy whose grandfather was killed in the Holocaust and now he devotes his life to an anti-fracking cause, there's your pick to win.   This year, I see the pundits are lining up behind something called THE PHONE CALL.  It's set in the middle of Northern Ireland's religious war.    Smells cause-y enough to me.

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT:  And sometimes you can just pick the winner by the title alone.  CRISIS HOTLINE: VETERANS PRESS 1.   Duh?   Clearly, a story about veterans coming home from battle and looking to commit suicide.   Anti-war always works in Hollywood.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT:  My buddies Lorraine and Dennis go to see these cartoons every year.  It certainly hasn't given them a leg up in these competitions.   Always rely on the nominee that is produced by Disney or Pixar.  That would be FEAST, which is about a dog.   Of course, it still begs the age old question of Walt.   We know Pluto was a pooch.   But, just what was Goofy?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:   For the first time in several years, I have not seen one of these nominees.  I was confused by Disney's Big Hero 6.   I figured that I was far behind since apparently there were five Big Hero movies before this.  I read there was a criminal injustice that the Lego Movie wasn't nominated.   Unfortunately, Al Sharpton was incensed enough to picket about that.   Most of the pundits are opting for HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2.   PS, I didn't see the first one of that franchise either.

BEST SOUND MIXING:   The last mixer I knew anything about was at Fordham University during senior year.   I didn't do so well at that.   I'll do better here.   The winner, for all that cool jazz percussion, just has to be WHIPLASH.

BEST SOUND EDITING:  Speaking of my days at Fordham, I was the producer of a weekly radio sitcom and I did all the editing.   I got good at the process and it's probably a lot easier now in the digital world.   I'm rambling, but that's because I have nothing salient to say about this category.  The winner is AMERICAN SNIPER.

BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING:  If I had a vote, I would go for all the creepy looking people in the Grand Budapest Hotel.   But, for some reason I don't understand, voters seems to be enamored with that awful putty nose Steve Carell wore in the remarkably dreadful Foxcatcher.   This is one where I am going to choose what I like.   The winner is the GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN:  Well, all those creepy looking people also wore some nifty looking clothes.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN:  When I saw this movie last spring at the Arclight Hollywood, they actually had the miniature mock-up of the hotel in the lobby.   It was amazing to look at.   I'll bet a lot of Academy members saw the same exhibit.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST FILM EDITING:   This is all about cutting a movie.   So, that generally means the longest film somehow winds.   And since the damn thing involved footage shot over a 12-year period, I suppose the winner will be BOYHOOD.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:  This is the one category where mindless action movies actually get recognized for cheesy computer graphics, explosions, and the like.  The more brainless, the more likely the win.   Except this year, one film supposedly had something to say.   I'll have to take the pundits' word for it.  The only nominee I saw was Guardians of the Galaxy and I watched it on a ten-inch screen courtesy of American Airlines.  The winner is INTERSTELLAR.

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:  I actually saw one of the nominees.   The fascinating Last Days in Vietnam by one of the Robert Kennedy kids.   But, lots of the Academy these days weren't even born then.   My guess is that, ripped from today's leaky headlines, the winner is CITIZENFOUR.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:  Surveying the nominees for special causes and themes.   One stands out.   From Poland, IDA is about a Polish-Jewish girl who was hidden in a convent and raised as a Catholic during World War II, and her aunt who joined the Communist resistance and became a judge after the war.  Granted that's a mouthful, but it presses some of the self-conscious Hollywood buttons.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE:  Music that plays in the background of characters with illnesses or afflictions always...well...scores.  The winner is THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG:  There's a song by Glen Campbell from that documentary about his farewell concert tour.  Now that would be too cool to honor.   There's a song from Begin Again, a movie I loved and the tune was co-written by Danielle Brisebois!   Now that would be nice, too.   But, God forbid the Academy overlook Selma again.   The winner is some piece of garbage from that movie called GLORY.   A hip hop/rapper-like song from a movie set in 1965!!!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:  As creepily clever as nominee Nightcrawler was, the chance to finally award the always interesting Wes Anderson is way too tempting.   Plus the movie's script was way too smart for most living rooms.  The winner is GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:  Well, the buttlescut is that this race is close between two movies I really enjoyed.  The Imitation Game and Whiplash.   For me, the tiebreaker is that the former won the Writers Guild award.   The winner is THE IMITATION GAME. 

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY:   This award almost always follows the lead of the winning Director.   Oh, wait.  I'm going to give you that winner tomorrow.   But, I suppose here's a spoiler alert for you.   The Cinematography Oscar will go to BIRDMAN.

Dinner last night:  Stir fry vegetables.

This Date in History - February 18

Happy birthday, John Travolta.  I love your outfit.

1229:  FREDERICK II, HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR, SIGNS A TEN YEAR TRUCE WITH AL-KAMIL, REGAINING JERUSALEM, NAZARETH, AND BETHLEHEM.

I'd walk a mile for Al-Kamil.

1268:  THE LIVONIAN BROTHERS OF THE SWORDS ARE DEFEATED IN THE BATTLE OF RAKVERE.  

Which means you get February 18 off if you're a Livonian or a Rakverian.

1478:  GEORGE, DUKE OF CLARENCE, IS CONVICTED OF TREASON AND EXECUTED IN PRIVATE AT THE TOWER OF LONDON.

Today it would be a sweeps special on Fox.

1546:  MARTIN LUTHER DIES.

Thanks to him, I have a church to go to.

1564:  PAINTER MICHELANGELO DIES.

Come on down, we've decided to wallpaper.

1766:  A MUTINY BY CAPTIVE MALAGASY BEGINS AT SEA ON THE SLAVE SHIP MEERMIN.  

Mutiny on the Meermin.   Doesn't roll off your tongue like the Clark Gable movie.

1781:  CAPTAIN THOMAS SHIRLEY OPENS HIS EXPEDITION AGAINST DUTCH COLONIAL OUTPOSTS ON THE GOLD COAST OF AFRICA.

Don't call him Shirley.

1797:  SIR RALPH ABERCROMBY AND A FLEET OF 18 BRITISH WARSHIPS INVADE TRINIDAD.

Any word from Fitch?

1861:  IN ALABAMA, JEFFERSON DAVIS IS INAUGURATED AS THE PROVISIONAL PRESIDENT OF THE CONFEDERATE STATE.

So who will be the president of Texas when they secede from the union?

1865:  UNION FORCES UNDER GENERAL WILLIAM SHERMAN SET THE SOUTH CAROLINA STATE HOUSE ON FIRE DURING THE BURNING OF COLUMBIA.

Well, there goes the housing market in Columbia.

1885:  THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN BY MARK TWAIN IS PUBLISHED.  

Cliff Notes are out when?

1890:  ACTOR ADOLPHE MENJOU IS BORN.

He was in every movie made in the 1930s.

1892:  POLITICIAN WENDELL WILLKIE IS BORN.

Nobody Won With Willkie.

1913:  PEDRO LASCURAIN BECOMES PRESIDENT OF MEXICO FOR 45 MINUTES---THE SHORTEST TERM OF ANY PRESIDENT OF ANY COUNTRY.

He was double parked.

1919:  ACTOR JACK PALANCE IS BORN.

And immediately did ten push-ups.

1920:  TV GAME SHOW HOST BILL CULLEN IS BORN.

I'll freeze, Bill.

1925:  ACTOR GEORGE KENNEDY IS BORN.

Lord, he's old.

1930:  WHILE STUDYING PHOTOGRAPHS, CLYDE TOMBAUGH DISCOVERS PLUTO.

I thought that was Walt Disney.

1930:  ELM FARM OLLIE BECOMES THE FIRST COW TO FLY AND BE MILKED IN AN AIRCRAFT.

Talk about your Stupid Pet Tricks.

1933:  SINGER (?) YOKO ONO IS BORN.

She killed more Beatles than a can of Raid.

1943:  THE NAZIS ARREST THE MEMBERS OF THE WHITE ROSE MOVEMENT.

White Rose?   Did they used to make ginger ale?

1943:  JOSEPH GOEBBELS DELIVERS HIS SPORTPALAST SPEECH.

And he goebbeled all the way through it.

1954:  THE FIRST CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY IS ESTABLISHED IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

Ironically, this occurs on the same day as...

1954:  ACTOR JOHN TRAVOLTA IS BORN.

Who knew???

1957:  WALTER JAMES BOLTON BECOMES THE LAST PERSON LEGALLY EXECUTED IN NEW ZEALAND.

I guess the key word here is "legally."

1957:  TV STAR VANNA WHITE IS BORN.

H_PP_ _I__HD_Y!

1970:  THE CHICAGO SEVEN ARE FOUND NOT GUILTY OF CONSPIRING TO INCITE RIOTS AT THE 1968 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION.

Yeah, sure.

1977:  ACTOR ANDY DEVINE DIES.

Daughter Loretta must be distraught.

1979:  SNOW FALLS IN THE SAHARA DESERT FOR THE ONLY TIME IN HISTORY.

Put some snow chains on those camels.

1991:  THE IRA EXPLODES BOMBS IN THE EARLY MORNING AT PADDINGTON STATION IN LONDON.

Hope the teddy bear wasn't hurt.

1998:  SPORTSCASTER HARRY CARAY DIES.

No formaldehyde needed to preserve him.

2001:  SEVEN-TIME NASCAR CHAMPION DALE EARNHARDT DIES IN AN ACCIDENT DURING THE DAYTONA 500.

What color flag do they wave for that?

2006:  SINGER BILL COWSILL DIES.

The Rain, The Park, and Death.

Dinner last night:  Asian chopped salad.

Two Movies About Art

The sheer title of today's post probably scared off half of you.   It would have frightened me enough to leave internet skid marks.

I am not a patron of fine art.   I couldn't tell you what constitutes a good painting and what is essentially a bad one.   I have friends who paint.   I have been given some of their art work.  It's on my walls.  It looks nice.   But, beyond that, I couldn't proceed to tell you what makes them pleasing.

So, naturally, seeing two movies about the art world was an unsettling prospect for me.  What's more boring than art?   Looking at a film about art.

But, I just saw two productions devoted to just that subject.   And, symbolizing the overall ambivalence I have to that genre, I loved one and hated the other.   Now, isn't that convenient?

The one I enjoyed was Tim Burton's "Big Eyes," an uncharacteristically uncomplicated movie for the quirky director.   But, as based on a true story, the film plays as an out-and-out comedy just like Burton's "Ed Wood" two decades earlier.   Indeed, both films were also written by the same folks so the pedigree works again.  And, thus, a movie about the pretentious art world is anything but boring.

Christoph Waltz is Walter Keane, an artist who really doesn't have an artistic bone in his body.   But he's smart enough to marry somebody who is and her portraits of people with big eyes are legendary.   Amy Adams plays the true talent here splendidly and matches Waltz' marvelous over-the-top comic performance scene by scene.   

Well, Keane becomes famous and rich as long as his wife is tucked away in anonymity making one pair of big eyes after another.  Eventually, she has had enough and challenges her husband.  The last act courtroom scene is as funny as any sketch you would have seen on "The Carol Burnett Show."  And it's probably all as it happened.

As a result, "Big Eyes" is enjoyable from the first frame to the last.  And it's so delightfully funny and interesting that you have no clue that the world is all about art.

Not so with...

 

I misguidedly saw "Mr. Turner" because I was hearing Oscar buzz.  Of course, more often than not, that buzz usually translates into being stung by a poisonous wasp.  This film by director Mike Leigh is all about some too-many-centuries-ago painter J.M.W. Turner and it's dreary as it can be.  I know nothing about this guy, nor do I want to.

Ugh.

Turner painted a lot of European seascapes and shipwrecks.   If he was still painting in 2015, he would likely want to put on canvas the devastation of this movie.    Turner, as grunted incoherently by star Timothy Spall, goes from one unsettling view of life to another.  His father, also a painter, dies of lung disease likely brought on by all those lead fumes.    As a result, you can't wait for the same illness to afflict Turner Jr..  Sadly, he takes about two hours before he utters his first cough.   And it takes another half-hour before he checks out and the audience is free to go home and sleep in their own beds.

The audience I was with applauded at the end.  Or maybe they were simply slapping each other awake.  This is a tough one to watch because it is so completely ugly.   Sure, the cinematography, inspired by Turner's painting, is pretty to look at.   But, then Turner has his next thing to grunt and we are back to a horrendous ground zero.  Indeed, the gorilla in "King Kong" was more articulate than Mr. Turner.

So, if you're hankering to see his work, go to a museum and not your local multiplex.  

Or, you can be like me and stay home to read true art---the funny papers.

LEN'S RATING FOR BIG EYES:  Three-and-a-half stars.

LEN'S RATING FOR MR. TURNER:   One-half star.

Dinner last night:  Leftover barbecue pork and rice.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - February 16, 2015

No Happy Meal at this McDonald's.




Dinner last night:  Barbecue pork ribs with rice.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Guaranteed Laughs

They are the equivalent of mental meat loaf or macaroni and cheese.   Television absolutely guaranteed to make you smile.  And they're your go-to when you need to chuckle.   You know all the lines.  You know what's going to happen next.  But you don't care.   

These are the episodes of your favorite series that are the ones you turn to over and over and over.

Oh, don't get me wrong.   If I am flipping the dials, it's virtually impossible for me to turn away from any episode of I Love Lucy or Dick Van Dyke or the Honeymooners or Mary Tyler Moore or Everybody Loves Raymond.   But, suppose you're on a desert island.   You can bring one certain episode of...say...about ten different series.   What do you choose for guaranteed laughs?   

You can compile your own list.   Here's mine.   In no particular order of importance or significance.  Once I applied some thought to this process, I realized this is really a potpourri of the best of the best.   And, because it's probably the most important element of each episode, I am including the names of the writers involved.   I salute them all.

ALL IN THE FAMILY - "LIONEL'S ENGAGEMENT."

Original air date:  February 9, 1974.  Written by Michael Ross and Bernie West.

This series was one of the few that my parents and I watched together as a family.  And, while there are other noteworthy episodes, the one where the Jeffersons hold an engagement party for son Lionel is wall-to-wall laughs.  It actually is the script that launched the Jeffersons into their own series.   With Archie as the annoying party guest, George and Louise discover that Lionel's new in-laws are a mixed marriage.  Carroll O'Connor and Sherman Hemsley were never better than in the party scene.

George (to Louise as he watches the in-laws argue):  See that, Louise!  Five more minutes and he's gonna call her "nigger."

Archie (to Edith):  Will you listen to that?   I ain't used that word in three years.

Groundbreaking.  Hilarious.  And it probably wouldn't get produced today.

THE GOLDEN GIRLS - "MIXED BLESSINGS."

Original air date:  March 19, 1988.  Written by Christopher Lloyd.

And neither would this hysterical episode of the Golden Girls.  It's a very simple farce that allows for the audience to think ahead and expect what they will laugh at. Seemingly unconnected plot points that will collide like a ten-car pile-up on the freeway.  Dorothy (Beatrice Arthur) discovers that her son is engaged to a woman twice her age.   The disparity in years is the major concern for Dorothy and the fiancee's mother and aunts.  The fact that they are Black is immaterial.   The only problem is that, as one scene plays out, you know that Rose (Betty White) and Blanche (Rue McClanahan) are trying out new mud packs in the kitchen.   And feisty Sophia (Estelle Getty) is conveniently away for the weekend.   You just know that the latter three will make their appearances at the worst time.   Indeed, when Sophia enters, there is prolonged laughter from the live audience before she even says a word.  Genius and wonderfully economical writing.

THE ODD COUPLE - "PASSWORD."

Original air date:  December 1, 1972.  Written by Frank Buxton.

Way to go, Betty White.  You turn up twice on my desert island.  I once saw this episode on an American Airlines plane headed from LAX to New York.  For some reason, AA was showing vintage sitcoms as opposed to the current NBC crap they run now.  I had earphones on, but I still could hear raucous laughter for rows behind me.  The scene where Oscar and Felix appear on the game show is brilliant.  To this day, my writing partner will respond with the word "mayonnaise" whenever anybody says "Lincoln."  There's a reason why Tony Randall and Jack Klugman are the quintessential Odd Couple.  This episode shows us just how good they were in the roles.  Of course, my favorite laugh is a throwaway line by secretary Myrna (Penny Marshall) as they are practicing the TV game in the living room.

Myrna (to Felix):  Can I be Peggy Cass?

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW - "Coast to Coast Big Mouth."

Original air date:  September 15, 1965.  Written by Bill Persky and Sam Denoff.

Years ago, I bought a book on how to write a sitcom script.   As if this could be taught.   In the "manual," this episode and the accompanying teleplay were dissected scene-by-scene, action-by-action, and word-by-word.  It made the whole process a little too clinical for me, but, nevertheless, I began to appreciate just how intricate a good sitcom script is.   Every word organically flows into another word.  And this episode is almost letter perfect.  There is no waste.   Every moment makes sense and the characters' actions are all driven expertly.   You may know it.  Laura Petrie (Mary Tyler Moore) accidentally blurts out on live TV that husband Rob's (Dick Van Dyke) boss is really bald.  Of course, as unlikely as this is, the episode is stolen by Carl Reiner as Alan Brady.  When he confronts Laura and asks her what he's supposed to do with all his toupees, her retort makes me laugh out loud each and every time.

Laura:  Well, maybe you could give them to some needy bald people.

Oh, my God, I wish I had worked on this show.

THE HONEYMOONERS - "The $99,000 Answer."

Original air date:  January 28, 1956.  Written by Leonard Stern and Sydney Zelinka.

Remember that book I mentioned above?   The other episode that was dissected completely was this edition of the Honeymooners.   I didn't need the analytical write-up.   The show was already engrained in my memory.   Since there are only 39 episodes of this series and WPIX Channel 11 in New York reran them every night at 11PM, I probably saw this script play out about two dozen times before I was even ten years old.  It was also my dad's very favorite adventure of Ralph Kramden and company.   

It's all so unbelievably compact and another springboard for the characters.   Again, the characters create the situation and the situation does not create the characters.   Ralph (Jackie Gleason) gets on a big quiz show of the day and will come back next week to tackle his category of expertise - popular songs.  Much to wife Alice's (Audrey Meadows) chagrin, Ralph spends the whole week studying.   He spends money to rent a piano so Norton (Art Carney) can play songs so he can bone up on the category.  Of course, you easily see where this is going when Norton can't play a song without including the opening notes of "Swanee River."   Even though you know how it will end, it's still a surprise when it happens.   The mark of a perfect teleplay.

My favorite line is one from Alice as Ralph tells her how smooth he was on TV.

Alice:  Of course you were.   You have to be in your line of work.  You're a man who brives a dus.

 FRASIER - "The Matchmaker."

Original air date: October 4, 1994.  Written by Joe Keenan.

No television series did sophisticated farce better than Frasier.   Each week, it seemed like you were watching the latest comedy hit on Broadway.  And this one episode is a story I can watch over and over.   Because, with a clever choice of words, Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) winds up in the most absurd of dilemmas.  He invites his new boss over for dinner so he can fix him up with Daphne (Jane Leeves).  The boss, who happens to be gay, thinks Frasier is putting the moves on him.  What could have been completely silly in other acting hands is sheer brilliance here with this cast.  Every possible double entendre in the book is employed as the story unravels into what a Bugs Bunny cartoon would sound like if it was written by Noel Coward.  And I see or hear something new every time I watch it.

The best line?

Frasier:   That's ridiculous!  Tom is not gay!

Niles:   He seems to be under that impression.

RHODA - "Rhoda's Wedding."

Original air date: October 28, 1974.  Written by James L. Brooks and Allan Burns, David Davis and Lorenzo Music, Norman Barasch and Carroll Moore, and David Lloyd.

Okay, I'm cheating a little bit on my desert island.   This is an hour-long episode of a sitcom.  Or, as they probably produced it, two half-hour shows stitched together.  Rhoda's wedding was the hottest thing in its day and it was legendary for the location shooting of Rhoda (Valerie Harper) running around the Bronx' Grand Concourse in a wedding dress.   But it was a gimmick that allowed them to combine the characters from the mother show (Mary Tyler Moore) and do one of those monster crossovers that allowed different characters to intermingle as they never had before.   Forget the device of Rhoda running through the Bronx to her wedding.  It's the dialogue that makes this sheer wonderment.  The interactions between mother Ida (Nancy Walker) and Phyllis Lindstrom (Cloris Leachman) are worth gold.  Especially the incredibly slow burn when Ida realizes that Phyllis forgot to drive Rhoda to the ceremony.

Ida: (after a long, long pause)  I'll....kill....you.

God, I wished I had worked there, too.

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND - "Baggage."

Original air date:  May 5, 2003.  Written by Tucker Cawley.

There are no bad episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond.   That's a fact.  They got nine years out of that family and I would have been quite happy if they had gotten nine more.   Each and every plot was rooted in reality and you come away always saying "that happened in my house."

That's what makes "Baggage" the one ELR episode I would choose for my desert island.   It is so simple but intricately organic all at the same time.   Writer Tucker Cawley won an Emmy for the script and that accolade is well deserved.   You just know that this plot line happened in real life and, according to Cawley, it occurred in his own house.

How uncomplex is it?  Ray (Ray Romano) and Debra (Patricia Heaton) came home from vacation three weeks ago.  Yet, neither of one wants to be the person that physically moves the suitcase from the landing.  So there is a quiet, but deliberate stand-off that winds up involving all five characters and is brilliant in its utter simplicity.  The acting is, as always, spot on.  But you can't get better writing than this.  Ever.

My favorite line?

Marie:  Debra, you can't keep cheese in a suitcase.

Makes no sense to you?  Watch it and you will understand.

MARY TYLER MOORE - "The Lars Affair."

Original air date: September 15, 1973.  Written by Ed. Weinberger.

Like ELR above, I dare you to find a mediocre episode of Mary Tyler Moore.  I suppose that most fans would gravitate to "Chuckles Bites The Dust" as their favorite episode.  But, for me, if a gun is held to my head and I have to watch one MTM episode, it would be "The Lars Affair."   Superlative acting and timing alone make this a standout entry of the series.

This was the episode that introduced the character of Happy Homemaker Sue Ann Nivens and kudos to you, Betty White, for making my desert island not one, not twice, but three times!  Sue Ann starts to have an affair with the unseen Lars, husband of Phyllis (Cloris Leachman) and the latter provides a master class in comedy.  Watch how Sue Ann shuts the oven door.   A total ad lib from the actor and it works.   Revel over and over at the scene where Phyllis has Mary and Rhoda try the apple pie she just made.  It is magnificent how every acting tool in their bag of tricks elevates the script even higher.  But it's pretty lofty all on its own.  

Phyllis:   I'll wait it out. Sooner or later, Lars is going to get tired of her. And he'll come back to me. And then I'm going to... punish him for this.

I LOVE LUCY - "LA At Last."

Original air date:  February 7, 1955.  Written by Jess Oppenheimer, Bob Carroll Jr,, and Madelyn Pugh.

Redundancy prevails.  And while I didn't pull these episodes in order of importance, I apparently have saved the best for last.   

There are likely no bad episodes of I Love Lucy.  Okay, there are two.   In the first season, the episode where two teenagers try to break up Lucy and Ricky.  Meh.   There's another one where two senior citizens try to break Lucy and Ricky.  Double meh.  

As mediocre as those two plots are, the season where the Ricardos and the Mertzes travel to Hollywood is complete creative serendipity.  Everything works magically.   We once asked writers Madelyn and Bob what was being used as liquid refreshment in their office that year because the scripts were so wonderfully inventive.  PS, there was probably nothing more than water. They were just trying to churn out 39 scripts a year.

But, in this season of gold, there is one standout for me.  The one where they arrive in Los Angeles.   And there are not one, but two miraculous comedy scenes.   You know what I mean?   The Bill Holden scene in the Brown Derby that ends the first act.   Then the "Lucy lights a cigarette and her putty nose" scene.  Lucille Ball liked to tell people this was an accident that happened during filming.  Um, no.  It was all on the written page.  I know.  I saw. Madelyn showed me the script from her bound collection.

And that's what makes the words on the page even more special.  

So, I am set for my desert island.  Have you figured out yours yet?   Those special television memories you can relive over and over and over again.

Dinner last night:  Italian panini with dried cappacollo, provolone, and olive tapenade.