Your Weekend Movie Guide for September 2009

Here's a vintage photo of the opening of the Whitestone Drive-In Theater in the Bronx. Growing up, if we were going to a drive-in movie, we rarely went to the Whitestone. On warm summer nights, it was very close to some swampy areas which gave off lots of lovely smells. By the time the second feature started, you were convinced there was a skunk in your car.

And, speaking of stench, let's talk about what your film choices are this weekend. It's time for my monthly service to you, Mr. or Ms. Moviegoer. I'll flip through the Los Angeles Times and give you my kneejerk reaction to the crap filling our multiplexes these days. It might be time to roll up your car windows.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: No clue what this is, but I'm hoping the sentiment is true.

Coco Before Chanel: Speaking of weird smells. I guess we're all wondering how the perfume genius got her start. Okay, we're not. But somebody obviously thinks we are. This is a cinematic double negative: it looks boring and it has subtitles.

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs: The Weather Channel moves to Italy. One of those 3-D cartoons and those glasses always bother me after fifteen minutes.

Love Happens: And so does shit. After seeing the trailer, shit wins by a landslide.

The Informant: This Steven Soderbergh film with Matt Damon has pretty good buzz. The only problem is that Damon wears a moustache in the newspaper ad and it makes him look like my eleventh grade math teacher. Note to all: I hated my eleventh grade math teacher.

Capitalism, A Love Story: Woo hoo! Michael Moore is back with another contrived, fact-ignoring, staged for dramatic purposes documentary. This guy just pisses me off. In "Sicko," he lectured us all about health care, despite the fact that he's grossly obese and one Dunkin' Donut away from a stroke. With this movie, he lectures us about gross injustices in the financial world, despite the fact that he's grossly rich. Can we just get rid of this ego-maniacal slob once and for all?

Julie and Julia: I saw it. One of my two favorite movies this summer. There's not a single special effect in it. For that reason alone, we should give it an Oscar.

The Blue Tooth Virgin: So now there's another way a person can be violated? Through the ear?

Fame: Needless remake. The original was perfectly fine. But, I guess we need a new version of the movie so they could incorporate rap music. I pledge this to you. If Hollywood ever does a remake of my favorite film of all time, "The Apartment," please look for my lifeless body to be slumped over this computer keyboard.

The Boys Are Back: A widower struggles to raise his two sons. A plot that has been done five hundred times before. I guess there has been downsizing. What happened to Fred MacMurray as a widower struggling to raise his three sons?

Disgrace: A literature professor in South Africa is exiled to live in the country after having an affair with a mixed-race student. Oh, good. Another Obama teachable moment about race relations. It is all disgraceful to me. Hence, the title.

Bright Star: Some dreary tale about young star-crossed lovers. One of the reviews quotes poet John Keats. That's enough for me. That's the equivalent of erecting barbed wire around any theater that's playing this swill.

Whiteout: All about what happened in the last Presidential election.

Jennifer's Body: Megan Fox. Two words that translate to "no way" in any language.

Ponyo: Marco.... I know nothing about the movie, but the joke works.

Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself: And apparently he has. Has not been seen by a single White person.

The Final Destination: Will be in a dumpster.

Inglourious Basterds: Is anybody particularly disturbed by the misspelling? I have well respected friends who saw this and enjoyed it. But, still, how can I? Seeing a Quentin Tarantino movie would be like denying my own intelligence.

All About Steve: Talk about self-indulgence. Who is Steve and why do I need to know all about him? I see that this stars Sandra Bullock. Well, one thing for sure, Steve has a lousy choice of friends.

The Time Traveler's Wife: Let's go back to a day in time when filmmakers were planning this movie. And let's stop them from making it.

Aliens in the Attics: Illegals can be hiding anywhere.

My One and Only: George Hamilton as a boy. Previously reviewed favorably in this blog. Wasn't that enough for you?

Surrogates: Bruce Willis in some dreck about robots. And you thought all of his stiffness was just bad acting?

Pandorum: Make the sci-fi stop, please.

The September Issue: All about getting one of those high fashion magazines out. How freakin' hard is that? It's nothing but pictures.

Extract: The history of vanilla.

Sorority Row: A slasher runs through a girls' dorm. Boy, oh, boy, we sure needed one of those at Spellman Hall when I was at Fordham.

District 9: Moviegoers, 0.

Dinner last night: Chef's salad.