I don't, of course. But, if I did, this is what you would have heard me tweet about this month. As a matter of fact, most of this did show up on my Facebook page.
#LenSpeaks One great way to break up those Occupy camps? Open up a jobs fair.
#LenSpeaks I just got a voicemail message from Dr. Conrad Murray's assistant. I need to reschedule.
#LenSpeaks Apparently everybody who worked in the restaurant industry from 1995 to 1997 was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.
#LenSpeaks When the next world war begins, please put Gloria Allred in the front. Thanks in advance.
#LenSpeaks Ron Paul reminds me of the crazy old man in the neighborhood who always takes your ball.
#LenSpeaks Great marketing promotional idea for Proctor and Gamble: Hand sanitizer dispensers at all Occupy camps.
#LenSpeaks Those Occupy morons are so concerned about economic equality. But they are all tweeting their exploits on their iPads. A device I don't own, by the way.
#LenSpeaks Billy Crystal now hosting the Oscars. The last time he was revelant Bill Clinton was the only politician hitting on women.
#LenSpeaks Joe Paterno reminds me of the crazy old man in the neighborhood who always takes your ball. Except he didn't hear it land on his property.
#LenSpeaks I can see where Joe Paterno could get easily confused. He might have heard that somebody was having "socks" in the boys shower.
#LenSpeaks Note to the goofy Asian guy on line at LAX Security: your hands can be very versatile. They can be used to cover your mouth when you sneeze. No wonder all the birds have the flu.
#LenSpeaks If TSA is so concerned about bombs on planes, how come American Airlines is showing "Larry Crowne?"
#LenSpeaks I still love the New York Post headlines. On top of their zero stars review of the dastardly "Jack and Jill:" "Adam and Heave."
#LenSpeaks Frank McCourt signing Matt Kemp to a long term contract is the equivalent of doing a major upgrade to your condo kitchen and bath. You'll get your money back when you sell.
#LenSpeaks Please take your crying baby to the lobby. Oh, wait, we're on a plane.
#LenSpeaks Michelle Obama booed at an auto race. Obviously, dried fruit snacks are not a big hit with the NASCAR crowd.
#LenSpeaks If Newt Gingrich can get married three times, why am I still single?
#LenSpeaks A happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, except any who will be on line at Best Buy at 4AM tomorrow.
#LenSpeaks So, this pepper spray stuff? Is it available on-line? Pay Pal? Please text me.
#LenSpeaks Live (well on tape in Los Angeles), it's the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Lip Sync. Proving once again that Matt Lauer sure did get his money's worth with those Hooked on Phonics lessons.
#LenSpeaks From behind my bedroom door on Thanksgiving morning, I can hear noises in the kitchen. It's either dinner being prepared or a home invasion robbery.
#LenSpeaks Macy's has a Hamburger Helper float??? Does Michelle Obama know about this???
#LenSpeaks During the parade, NBC promoted the hell out of their new primetime schedule...which most believe won't watch unless they're on an American Airlines flight.
#LenSpeaks Note to Al Roker's wardrobe consultant: don't dress him all in brown. He looks like an explosion at the Willy Wonka factory.
#LenSpeaks If you find yourself having Thanksgiving dinner with a politically opposite relative, please remember one thing. Cranberries stain clothing.
#LenSpeaks Who the hell schedules an 8AM personal training session the morning after Thanksgiving? Er, that would be me.
#LenSpeaks The good news is that there was no line for the stationary bike.
#LenSpeaks Watching all the videos of the violence during those day-after-Thanksgiving sales, I know why it's called "Black Friday." Think about it.
#LenSpeaks I'm all set for Cyber Monday. I've been camped outside with my laptop for three nights.
Dinner last night: Tortellini with chicken and pesto.
#LenSpeaks Apparently everybody who worked in the restaurant industry from 1995 to 1997 was sexually harassed by Herman Cain.
#LenSpeaks When the next world war begins, please put Gloria Allred in the front. Thanks in advance.
#LenSpeaks Ron Paul reminds me of the crazy old man in the neighborhood who always takes your ball.
#LenSpeaks Great marketing promotional idea for Proctor and Gamble: Hand sanitizer dispensers at all Occupy camps.
#LenSpeaks Those Occupy morons are so concerned about economic equality. But they are all tweeting their exploits on their iPads. A device I don't own, by the way.
#LenSpeaks Billy Crystal now hosting the Oscars. The last time he was revelant Bill Clinton was the only politician hitting on women.
#LenSpeaks Joe Paterno reminds me of the crazy old man in the neighborhood who always takes your ball. Except he didn't hear it land on his property.
#LenSpeaks I can see where Joe Paterno could get easily confused. He might have heard that somebody was having "socks" in the boys shower.
#LenSpeaks Note to the goofy Asian guy on line at LAX Security: your hands can be very versatile. They can be used to cover your mouth when you sneeze. No wonder all the birds have the flu.
#LenSpeaks If TSA is so concerned about bombs on planes, how come American Airlines is showing "Larry Crowne?"
#LenSpeaks I still love the New York Post headlines. On top of their zero stars review of the dastardly "Jack and Jill:" "Adam and Heave."
#LenSpeaks Frank McCourt signing Matt Kemp to a long term contract is the equivalent of doing a major upgrade to your condo kitchen and bath. You'll get your money back when you sell.
#LenSpeaks Please take your crying baby to the lobby. Oh, wait, we're on a plane.
#LenSpeaks Michelle Obama booed at an auto race. Obviously, dried fruit snacks are not a big hit with the NASCAR crowd.
#LenSpeaks If Newt Gingrich can get married three times, why am I still single?
#LenSpeaks A happy Thanksgiving to all my friends, except any who will be on line at Best Buy at 4AM tomorrow.
#LenSpeaks So, this pepper spray stuff? Is it available on-line? Pay Pal? Please text me.
#LenSpeaks Live (well on tape in Los Angeles), it's the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Lip Sync. Proving once again that Matt Lauer sure did get his money's worth with those Hooked on Phonics lessons.
#LenSpeaks From behind my bedroom door on Thanksgiving morning, I can hear noises in the kitchen. It's either dinner being prepared or a home invasion robbery.
#LenSpeaks Macy's has a Hamburger Helper float??? Does Michelle Obama know about this???
#LenSpeaks During the parade, NBC promoted the hell out of their new primetime schedule...which most believe won't watch unless they're on an American Airlines flight.
#LenSpeaks Note to Al Roker's wardrobe consultant: don't dress him all in brown. He looks like an explosion at the Willy Wonka factory.
#LenSpeaks If you find yourself having Thanksgiving dinner with a politically opposite relative, please remember one thing. Cranberries stain clothing.
#LenSpeaks Who the hell schedules an 8AM personal training session the morning after Thanksgiving? Er, that would be me.
#LenSpeaks The good news is that there was no line for the stationary bike.
#LenSpeaks Watching all the videos of the violence during those day-after-Thanksgiving sales, I know why it's called "Black Friday." Think about it.
#LenSpeaks I'm all set for Cyber Monday. I've been camped outside with my laptop for three nights.
Dinner last night: Tortellini with chicken and pesto.
1 comment:
Good "Larry Crowne" line. Did anyone see that? Hanks' kids didn't.
Post a Comment