Mine does. Now.
It's all a result of my participation in last week's Dodger Charity Bowl-a-Thon. Regular readers here will know that I annually contribute to the team's charity. In the past, I've co-hosted the "Dodger Talk" post-game show twice. This time around, I was curious about the yearly bowling event at Lucky Strikes Lanes, which is hosted by one of the players. Previously, it was first baseman James Loney. Well, he's gone, but catcher A.J. Ellis has picked up the twenty pound ball and rolled with it.
I deliberated for several days whether or not I should sign up. It sounded like fun. The players actually mingle and bowl with you. There was free food and drink. Silent auctions of memorabilia. Other surprises were promised.
Yep, for yours truly, it was time for Dodger Bowling.
I literally was the last person who signed up, doing so at 1PM on the actual day of the festivities. There were 200 folks in attendance and it was a night that will be on my life's highlight reel. The cocktail party alone was a hoot and a half.
Telling catcher Tim Federowicz that nobody stops pitches in the dirt better than him.
Chatting up Adrian Gonzalez about living in Los Angeles.
Schmoozing with manager Don Mattingly and grabbing him for a photo together that I promised him would make my Yankee fan friends back east a bit envious.
Talking to actor Dennis Haysbert, formerly President David Palmer on TV's "24," about that show. A terrific guy and I don't even have Allstate Insurance.
It couldn't get any better than this. Until the announcement over the loudspeaker...
"Bowlers, please report to your assigned lane."
Gulp.
Some back story is needed, folks.
I used to bowl. A lot. Years ago. Even managed an average of about 170.
But that was while there was a meniscus muscle in both my knees. Today, it's bone-on-bone with every possible twinge in between.
I'd be bowling with strangers tonight. About ten people were assigned to each lane. From little kids to...well...me. Plus you had a Dodger as your team captain. Next door on Lane 6 was Clayton Kershaw. On the other side was the aforementioned Don Mattingly and Dennis Haysbert.
On my own lane, Number 7, our captain was infielder Mark Ellis. A great guy and my new best friend on the Dodgers.
Of course, since I had decided at the very last minute to attend this event, I had virtually no time to practice. Normally, I would need six months to refresh myself. On this day, I had less than six hours.
There was an outdoor balcony that was long and rectangular. Luckily, there was nobody there. I decided to use the space to practice my form. A bowling stance that I had not tried in over five years.
I fingered my pretend ball. I aimed it down my pretend alley. I threw my arm back and started to bend.
Ouch.
Yeah, this is going to be ugly.
"Last call! Bowlers, please report to your assigned lane."
Shit.
I thought momentarily about taking my complimentary Dodger bowling shirt and making the 7-10 split for the garage. But, not at these charitable prices...
I would make the best of it.
At Lane 7, Mark Ellis was already there and a wonderful guy to talk with. Somebody suggested we make a bowling order for our lane. They deferred to Mark.
"I'll go fifth and Len here will go after me. He looks like a good back-up."
Okay, Mark, you know this isn't a batting order. And I may not be the good back-up you're hoping for.
Nevertheless, we started bowling. The first two on our lane were kids and neither managed to get the ball on the actual lane. I was praying I could.
Mark rolled and wound up with a spare. He high-fived me on the way back.
"Use my ball if you want."
Double shit.
As I sulked up to the alley, I caught something out of the corner of my eye. Don Mattingly was up at the same time. I remember my bowling etiquette. He told me to go ahead. I could use the extra seconds of non-embarrassment. No, by all means, Donnie Bowling, you go first.
Mattingly rolled and knocked down a total of six pins. That became my benchmark.
I was going to have to roll the ball from more of a standing position than a crouch. Essentially, it was more of a throw than a roll. There may have even been a dent in the floor.
Yet, my ball nestled squarely in the center of the alley. It never deviated.
STRIKE!!!
I got my major applause from the folks behind me. They thought they had a winner on their team. Mark high-fived me.
"Now I'm using YOUR ball."
Unfortunately, it was all downhill rolling after that. With each successive frame, my knees hurt more and more. The slightest bend was impossible. I made a mental note to mention this to my personal trainer. Heck, next year, I may have to bring her along.
I finished with a below-average score of 84. I glanced over at the tote board on Lane 8.
"Don Mattingly....76."
Okay, so how are your knees, skipper?
I can't wait to do this event next year. Of course, training for that has already started. You can find me at the bowling alley on Olympic Boulevard in Santa Monica.
Dinner last night: French dip sandwich and salad.
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