Show Him to the Door Please

There are movies I go to see because I want to.   There are movies I go to see because I think I should.  

And then there are those movies I go to see because I know I will get a really funny blog piece out of it.

"Lee Daniels' The Butler" falls into one of those categories.   And I bet you can easily guess which one.

Here comes the comedy, folks.

Yes, indeed-y, this movie is as laughable as the trailer made it look to be.  It is Hollywood being as overblown and pretentious as only it could be in the hyper- socially-conscious world of 2013.  Another sterling example of development and production people taking themselves so seriously about the state of our nation's affairs.  Just as long as it doesn't prevent them from buying their next big mansion or gas-guzzling limousine.  

But they all feel better about themselves when they make a film like this one.  There are almost four dozen producers attached to this monstrosity.  Harvey Weinstein, of course, is the biggest one, both literally and figuratively.  Meanwhile, after watching this two-hour-plus class of American history dumbed down to a second grade level, I expect that the Motion Picture Academy is already primed to fawn over this swill come Oscar night.  If "Lee Daniels' The Butler" does indeed win this year's Best Picture prize as I expect, we finally will have arrived at the day when "The Greatest Show on Earth" is no longer the most overrated movie to win the coveted award.

Of course, the ridiculousness begins before you even enter the theater.  Look at that stupid title.  The film is officially called "Lee Daniels' The Butler."  What other movie includes the director's name in the title?  Did you see that with "Steven Spielberg's Jaws" or "Billy Wilder's The Apartment" or "Vincente Minnelli's Gigi?"  Of course, you didn't, although all three of those guys would deserve such an honor.   The studio tries to explain this away by blaming it on the legal department.  There was apparently a movie in 1916 called "The Butler" and there are copyright ramifications.  Really?  Is there really somebody alive from that 1916 crew that will sue??  Nope, I'm not buying it.  This is pure vanity on the hack director's part and Hollywood, too scared to ruffle any feathers with the Black and Gay Lee Daniels, doesn't put up a fight.  

Meanwhile, at the screening I attend, there's one of those perky ushers who makes the requisite pre-show announcement about running time, parking validation, etc..  And she adds...

"Please turn off your cell phones and refrain from texting.  This is a very serious movie and you need to honor that."

Huh?????

By her using the word "serious," I am now ready to laugh my fucking head off.

And it doesn't take me long.  Five minutes in, we're in the South of 1926.  As soon as we meet Mariah Carey (????!!!!) as a cotton-pickin' slave and Vanessa Redgrave (????!!!!) as a plantation owner, we're off to the races in Sillytown, USA.

We're told almost immediately that this is all based on a true story and I'd like to administer lie detector tests to all 48 producers who told me that.  I don't doubt that the original character of a Black butler who served eight Presidential administrations really existed.  But, as this movie plays out, you have to suspend any thoughts of logic and believability.  The lead character, Cecil Gaines, and his son, Lewis Gaines, happen to conveniently turn up at or have a hand in every important American history event since 1957.  Does Robert Zemeckis know how much of his "Forrest Gump" movie has been ripped off by Lee Daniels and the rest of his stooges?

Let's see.  Butler Cecil serves coffee to Dwight Eisenhower, helps John F. Kennedy off the floor when his back fails, reads a bedtime story to Caroline Kennedy, advises Jackie Kennedy to get out of her blood-stained dress, talks to Lyndon Johnson while the President is constipated on the toilet (sad to admit that LBJ really did this a lot), and discusses South African policies with Ronald Reagan.  All this without dropping a single cookie crumb in the Oval Office.  I'm impressed.

By the way, a point of digression please.  First Lady Jackie is played by Minka Kelly, which means that, along with the aforementioned dope Mariah Carey, "Lee Daniels' The Butler" is the first movie in Hollywood history to feature two women who have slept with the Yankees' Derek Jeter.  I'm just sayin'.

Meanwhile, the butler's son Lewis is no slouch either.  He just happens to be at the famed Woolworth's lunch counter sit-in, on the Freedom Rider bus that is torched by the Klan, with Malcolm X on tour, in the Memphis hotel with Martin Luther King Jr., and presiding over the birth of the Black Panther party.   And you thought a day's worth of Jack Bauer's exploits on "24" were implausible?

If the major historical moments aren't coming at you fast enough, well, there's always the onslaught of cameo appearances to keep you dizzy.  Every Hollywood actor that donated more than a dime to Barack Obama's election campaign winds up in this film and, after a while, it all starts to play out like "The Love Boat Goes to the White House."  Oh, look, there's Robin Williams!  Oh, hey, it's John Cusack!  Why, there's Jane Fonda!  Wow, she must still be exercising!  Clarence Williams III?  Son of a gun.  Where's Peggy Lipton?  You wait for Charo's appearance.  After all, she must have shown up at the White House at least once during the Reagan administration.

The constant barrage of nonsensical Presidential history and the "Love American Style" casting leaves the viewer numb as if you've been hit in the head repeatedly with a meat tenderizer.  At the same time, you longingly hope that some professional fact checker takes the time to go over this disaster with a fine-toothed comb.  Here, Mr. or Ms. Fact Checker, I can start you off.  In the scene where Cecil meets with Jackie Kennedy in the White House after the assassination, it is daylight.  Um, when the First Lady arrived home after the shooting, it was 3AM.  Oh, and, by the way, John F. Kennedy was shot in Dallas, not the next block.  Perhaps I'm just picking nits here.

Of course, Daniels is pretty even-handed when it comes to his portrayal of past American Presidents.  Regardless of whether they are Democrats or Republicans, they all come off as either vapid or complete boobs.  The filmmakers totally gloss over Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter.  Their appearances are reduced to film clips.  I suppose Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd were busy.  Or maybe they have smart agents.  Naturally, the only President who is depicted in a positive light is Obama,  Anyone shocked by that?  The film's ending sets up a cameo appearance that the current President wisely and surprisingly refused.   That's probably good news for the production crew who would have had to endure Michelle's constant complaints about the unhealthy food choices offered up by Craft Services.

If any of the above isn't bad enough for you, here's the piece de resistance.

Oprah has a starring role.

Yep, here we go again.  With or without a $38,000 handbag, Oprah's looking for another Oscar nomination.  And, to do that, she will gladly chew up and spit out any acceptable amount of scenery.  Meanwhile, the woman still can't act.  The only problem is nobody in Hollywood has the nerve to tell her so.  They're all afraid they won't be invited onto her network and its fourteen viewers to promote their next movie.  So, instead, we get her performance here as Cecil's wife.  And it's so over-the-top that I can't stifle my laughter whenever she's on the screen. I can visualize the movie ads now. Watch Oprah smoke!  See Oprah get drunk!  Hear Oprah use the N-word over and over!  Marvel at how well she slaps somebody in the face!   Meanwhile, her appearance in this film gives some of us the scene we've been waiting to see all these years.

Oprah dies.

And she doesn't even do that well.  Her head lands with a thud on the kitchen wall and all the audience wants to see is if it made a dent.  But trying for that Oscar nomination with a vengeance.  She strains to perform so badly it's as if somebody gave her an acting enema.

Almost mystically, though, there is something to admire in this trash can full of American History Cliff Notes.  That's the performance of Forest Whitaker as the butler.  Somehow and some way, he does manage to elevate the terrible script and hammy direction to almost mediocre proportions.  If there's a bunch of Oscar nominations for this junk, one for Whitaker won't get a complete argument from me.  If there's one reason to see this movie (and there is only one), it's his performance.

Putting the comedy aside, this film is just another in a now long line of cinematic concoctions that refuse to let us move forward with our storied history.  Yes, there was slavery in our past.  Yes, there was oppression and Jim Crow laws.  Yes, there was discrimination and bigotry.

But look at the last fifty years.  Have we not grown as a nation?  Can't anybody see the strides we have in this area?  Must we keep continuing to live through our past sins?

When it comes to the likes of Lee Daniels, we can never let go.  Forget about the future.  The only way some folks can thrive is by repeatedly hammering home yesterday.  In a bizarre way, this movie is very much akin to the Nazi propaganda films that Hitler used to have shot in some Berlin warehouse.  Driving home the same message over and over until you believe it is true. 

And, as comically bad as "Lee Daniels' The Butler" is, the message conveyed just might be the biggest thing wrong with this movie.  If Daniels really wanted to do something about the state of race relations in this country, how about a movie that shows us what happened last week when a young Australian baseball player was ruthlessly murdered by three Black kids who admitted to being "bored?"

Yeah, that's not going to happen. 

LEN'S RATING:  One star and that would be Forest Whitaker.

Dinner last night:  BLT Sandwich from Clementine's.