Stick To What You Know

Amazon can be a godsend.   A great way to order books cheap.  One of the only places you can actually order DVDs and CDs from.   They recently started to offer a grocery service.

And, with much inevitability, it has now ventured into developing television shows under the Amazon Studios banner.  Well, maybe I shouldn't call them television shows.  Of course, you can watch them on your television screen as long as there's a computer hook-up.  Or on your phone.  Or in a mobile device in your car.  These days, they call this all video content.  Sounds fancy, right?  Well, everything can be content these days.   The bones and blood in your body is technically content.  So are the feathers and foam in the pillow on your bed.  

This has all become mind-numbing and I long for the days where there were just three networks and you had a lot of good shows to choose from.  Now we have upwards of 500 channels on our cable and satellite systems and you can't find anything to watch.

You can now add Amazon Studios to that list of unwatchable video content.

They were supposed to be groundbreaking but, then again, so is a jack hammer.  Their first shows on-line were going to be so innovative that they were going to change life as we know it.  So much advance bally-hoo prompted the TV Academy in Burbank to schedule a whole night to salute Amazon's first two comedy shows to come out of the box.  The casts and creators were going to be there, backslapping each other as if they've all been on the air for 200 episodes.  Even the guy running Amazon Studios was going to be there, taking time out of his busy schedule as a professional genius.  

A friend invited me to this and I was curious enough to go.   But, of course, I'm also willing to look more closely every time I pass car wrecks on the freeway.  I wanted to be on the ground floor of all this hysterity.

Amazon Studios develops shows...er, content...by accepting unsolicited submissions from the general public.  Then, their executives, along with the Amazon customer base, would select the scripts that they wanted to see developed.  Okay, my rule of thumb is simple.   I don't trust the American public's ability to choose anything.   Look at the crop of politicians they've elected in the past ten years.  Do I really want these slobs to decide what is great entertainment?  

Of course, the Amazon executives are no better.   The idiot in charge there told us that there was an initial 4,000 submission of television show ideas.   Of that number, they choose the two that would debut later that month on your computer.  Once I got a glimpse of those selections, I was even more down about the survival of mankind.

The first show they screened was some swill called "Alpha House."

The premise to me had possibilities.   Apparently, in Washington DC, some senators get together and share living quarters while they're in session.  I'm thinking that we could get some good political bi-polar comedy out of this notion.  Democrats and Republicans under the same roof.  In the basically no-name cast, you have the reliable presence of John Goodman.  Hmmm, maybe. 

Um, no.  

You see, the creator of this crap is cartoonist Gary Trudeau of "Doonesbury" fame.  That comic strip has always been vastly overrated and, frankly, had relevance for about ten minutes in 1973.  Suddenly, I realize that Amazon Studio's big open submission is a fraud.   Yeah, like Trudeau really submitted his show idea via a PDF file like 3,999 other slobs?  

Naturally, with Trudeau's snarky liberal vent on all things Washington, "Alpha House" is destined to be a one-sided affair.  And it is.  All four of the senators are Republicans.   They have mistresses.   They get drunk and shoot guns.  One is Hispanic and made to look like Marco Rubio.  And they're all as stupid as the Three Stooges.   Missed opportunities at every turn.

Of course, if Trudeau had any comedy chops whatsoever, he would have designed this like "All in the Family."   Norman Lear was smart enough to know that he had to present two ends of an argument between the conservative Archie Bunker and the liberal Meathead.  There were tons of laughs in that conflict.   But Trudeau is too smug and/or stupid to realize that.  So, what you wind up with is National Lampoon's Tea Party House and a show that nobody will remember two weeks from now.

The second screening was "Betas" and I'm still wondering how this even got past Amazon's spam filter.

In their fervent desire to be different, Amazon has essentially recreated "The Big Bang Theory" with this entry.  Minus the lovable characters.  Minus the charm of their relationships.  Minus any single funny moment.  This is a tale of a bunch of super-smart programmers living in Silicon Valley and I can't think of a more unoriginal premise.  "Betas" is also saddled with some of the most inept actors this side of one of those "Our Gang" talent shows they used to stage in the backyard.  Nothing is even remotely organic with this pile of trash.

Yet, this did not stop us from having to sit through a panel discussion with the show's cast and creators, their girlfriends, their housekeepers, and anyone else associated that is over-impressed with their own greatness.  The only name on the stage was co-star Ed Begley Jr., who has the dubious distinction of being involved with one of the best TV shows ever (St. Elsewhere) and one of the worst examples of video content ever.  He looked so ill-at-ease and obviously want to get into his electric car and go home.

Yep, folks, this is technological progress at work.  There are many new and wonderful ways to bring entertainment into your home. But, at the end of the virtual day, it has to be good.  Sure, it's terrific to have a spiffy new car.  But, what's the point of the fancy wheels if the only thing you get to drive it to is your daily kidney dialysis session?

Indeed, maybe Amazon isn't that dumb here.   By producing this dreck, they could drive the public back to reading at night.   And an uptick in book sales.   Hmmm, I think I get it now.

If you're looking for a TV show that was innovative and groundbreaking, simply look around your TV listings.   Somebody is bound to be showing an episode of "I Love Lucy."

Dinner last night:  Pasta with sundried tomatoes, broccoli rabe, and sausage at Moscato.