"Are you Miyoshi Umeki?"
She whispered "yes" and ran away like a scared deer. It was post-World War II all over again. Something really spooked the hell out of her.
But, I digress. We're talking Oscars again. I'm filling out my ballot in the hope of beating my friends Lorraine and Dennis in our annual pool. Feel free to search back to last Tuesday for the first half of your winning ballot. Today, I'm telling you all the winners in the major categories.
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: For those not up on their Academy Award lingo, this award is for a script that was based on other material. A book. A magazine article. Or, in the case of inexplicable nominee "The Wolf of Wall Street," the inside of a sewer. If you read Part 1 of these predictions, you'll know that "Gravity" is racking up the Oscars. The good news is that its script, which was horrible, didn't get nominated. But, Hollywood's other movie darling of 2013 did. Despite the fact that it's a story that has been done over and over and over, the winner is 12 YEARS A SLAVE.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: For my two cents, two of the cleverest screenplays all year were "Blue Jasmine" and "Nebraska." Both are nominated here, but neither will win. I'm guessing that the lunatic Mia Farrow has her fans and they will vote against Woody Allen's work for the former. "Nebraska" was just too damn insightful and you needed to be smart to appreciate this script. That rules out about 67% of the current Oscar voting bloc. Most were probably captivated by Spike Jonze's look at Los Angeles life five years into the future when the subway to the beach is actually a reality. Despite the fact that it's nothing more than a chick flick with computers, the winner is HER.
DIRECTOR: Let's look at the five nominees. Martin Scorsese for "The Wolf of Wall Street?" This had to be one of his worst movies and the Academy should confiscate his "Departed" Oscar as a penalty payment for making this swill. Steve McQueen for "12 Years A Slave?" Puh-leze. This is nothing more than Roots without Ben Vereen. David O. Russell for "American Hustle?" For me, the best part of the movie was the soundtrack and I can always listen to the 70s Channel on Sirius/XM. If I had a vote, I would cast it for Alexander Payne's marvelous work helming "Nebraska." Plus I used to get my hair cut at the same salon he used for about a year and he was a really nice guy. But, in this year of over-hyping mediocrity dressed up with computer graphics, the winner will be ALFONSO CUARON for GRAVITY.
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Truth be told, they started to engrave this Oscar with the winner's name long before the movie even opened. Let's face it. Academy voters can't resist anybody dying of AIDs in a movie. Frankly, I'd love to see Barkhad Abdi win for "Captain Phillips," so he can score a few more film roles and get those teeth fixed. But, alas alack, Hollywood never thinks out of the box. The winner is JARED LETO for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I would love, love, love it if June Squibb won for her ultra-feisty turn as the old, crockety mother in "Nebraska." I would like, like, like if if Jennifer Lawrence won for her scene-stealing performance in "American Hustle." But, you see, there is a movie about slavery around this year. As surefire a winning subject as AIDs or the Holocaust. Spend the entire movie naked and tied to a tree while you are being whipped? That's how you score an Oscar. The winner is LUPITA NYONG'O for 12 YEARS A SLAVE. Unlike all her scenes in the movie, on Oscar night, she won't be beaten.
ACTOR: Remember when the Space Shuttle made its final flight over American cities? People realized they'd never have the opportunity again to see it in the air. So, here in Los Angeles, people scurried up to roofs and the streets to follow its very last trip in the sky. We all knew this was a one-in-a-million moment. What the hell has this got to do with the Best Actor nominees? Well, Matthew McConaughey is nominated. That, too, will probably never happen again. I mean, the guy's a horrible actor and stupid to boot. Hollywood will not pass up this one and only chance to give this clown an Oscar. The winner is MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB.
ACTRESS: "Blue Jasmine" opened last July 26. By July 27, the Academy was already nailing her name to an Oscar. Her performance was the sole reason that the movie succeeded. A complete tour de force. There is absolutely no way that the winner isn't CATE BLANCHETT for BLUE JASMINE.
PICTURE: There are nine nominees this year for the Big Kahuna award and, frankly, there should be a tenth. I'm still not comprehending the backlash for the terrific "Saving Mr. Banks." Nevertheless, seven movies, including the remarkable "Nebraska," really don't stand a chance. Indeed, the race this year is incredibly tight and the margin is paper thin. There are really only two contenders. "Gravity" is marvelous to look at, but features a story and script written by people who speak English as a second language. The dialogue was so hokey that June Lockhart and Guy Williams in an episode of "Lost in Space" sounded like the Royal Shakespeare Company in comparison.
Meanwhile, the other warrior is "12 Years A Slave," sporting a tale that has been whipped to death almost as much as some of its characters. Four generations away from any slave owners, audiences are continually reminded of our country's horrible history. Aren't we past it yet? Not as far as the ultra-phonies of Hollywood are concerned. And that's why I think the Academy will give this film a narrow victory. The winner is 12 YEARS A SLAVE. The Academy will feel good about themselves. At the same time, they are stiffing their gardeners, hair stylists, housekeepers, and parking attendants for tips.
Good luck, everybody! Especially with the perennially annoying Ellen DeGeneres as host! Maybe your Oscar pool tie breaker should be how many lame jokes Miss Ellen will make about the state of Arizona.
Dinner last night: Turkey burger at BJ's.
No comments:
Post a Comment