You might be catching up on your Oscar-nominated films as well. Or maybe not. Whatever the case, here's our monthly exercise. I'll flip through the entertainment pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my gut reaction to what's polluting our cinemas. After that, you're on your own. Flying a trapeze without a net.
Philomena: Judi Dench is nominated for Best Actress. A compelling film, even more so if you got slapped by a nun more than once in Catholic school.
Jack Ryan - Shadow Recruit: Me? I'm waiting for Jack Bauer.
The Nut Job: A cartoon about a squirrel. Or a documentary about Nancy Pelosi.
That Awkward Moment: That occurs when you realize you're seeing a movie with Zac Efron in it. Which is this film.
Ride Along: Ice Cube and Kevin Hart on a 24-hour patrol of Atlanta. Hope it wasn't shot during that recent snowstorm which crippled the city.
Frozen: Nominated for Best Animated Feature and I know people who love it. I also know somebody who still hasn't seen it. Me.
I, Frankenstein: Frankenstein's creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans. From that logline, you could also retitle this "Mr. Frankenstein Goes to Washington."
Wolf of Wall Street: Reviewed here recently. One word summary: don't.
American Hustle: What happens when you mix SWAT with Dance Fever.
Lone Survivor: A true story about a botched military operation. When they get around to doing a film about Benghazi, they could call it "No Survivor."
Labor Day: Kate Winslet takes in convict Josh Brolin and falls in love. Doesn't she speak to Diane Lane?
The Monuments Men: A war drama starring George Clooney and Matt Damon among others. Sounds like Oceans 11 Meet the Nazis.
The Lego Movie: Would you spend fifteen bucks to see something that snaps together?
Vampire Academy: Vampire/humans patrol the earth. What's so new about that?
Nurse 3D: Nurse by day, sex killer by night. Here's my right arm. IV please.
Cavemen: Young, single unemployed men in Los Angeles. Hey, guys, meet Nurse 3D!
The Pretty One: When a woman's identical prettier twin sister dies, the woman assumes her sister's identity, moving into her apartment and the big city. If this sounds unoriginal, it is. Bette Davis did the same thing in 1964's "Dead Ringer."
After the Dark: A philosophy teacher challenges his class of twenty graduating seniors to choose which ten of them would take shelter underground and reboot the human race in the event of a nuclear apocalypse. Is it me or is there an "end of the world" movie opening every weekend?
The Outsider: Jason Patric retrieves his dead daughter's body and finds it's not her. Sounds silly, but, then again, the NY County Coroner misplaced my mother for a day, too.
Love and Air Sex: A movie about having sex on planes. In those bathrooms?? Bleech!!!
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: Still secret. Nobody went to see this remake.
Her: I saw this ingenious movie, but it's really nothing but a chick flick produced by the Geek Squad.
Date and Switch: Two guys who make a pact to lose their virginity before prom find their friendship tested when one of them comes out of the closet. Of course, they could be going to the same school as Carrie and then their sexuality will really make no difference. They'll all be dead.
The Returned: Zombies need to find their anti-viral medication. Hope access is better than the Affordable Health Care website.
Lucky Bastard: All about some young guy who runs a porn website. I assume this is from Korea.
Robocop: Here we go again!
Last of the Unjust: A documentary about the "model ghetto," which was the next-to-last stop for Jews being exterminated during World War II. Okay, I know this is a serious story, but have we not seen it also in about four dozen other documentaries?
Homefront: A former DEA agent moves his family to a quiet town, where he soon tangles with a local meth druglord. Gee, some people move for the school system.
Someone Marry Barry: Everybody Stay Away.
Nebraska: For my money, the best film of 2013. But, alas, I am not in the Academy.
Dallas Buyers Club: Yeah, yeah, I know. McConaughey may wind up with an Oscar.
12 Years a Slave: Review coming next week. A story we have seen countless other times over and over and over. Nothing new to see. Meanwhile, it's liable to win the Best Picture Oscar.
Gloria: From Chile. An old lady starts to go bar hopping to meet men. I;; have a Metamucil martini straight up.
Legend of Hercules: The joke here is that Hercules is played by somebody named Kellan Lutz. Who???
Saving Mr. Banks: If you still haven't seen it, please go. Inexplicably overlooked by the Academy. Emma Thompson should sue.
August Osage County: Featuring some of the most over-the-top performances ever to be nominated for Oscars. Emma Thompson should use as Exhibit A in her law suit.
Devil's Due: Another possessed baby is born. Check out TCM and see if "Rosemary's Baby" is playing this month instead.
Endless Love: A remake of that mess from 30 years ago. I hope they don't recycle the Diana Ross song as well.
About Last Night: You know you're getting old when Hollywood remakes a movie you saw when you were already an adult. But this time, it's done from an urban angle. Sorry, Rob Lowe.
Dinner last night: Steak, salad, and vegetables at the snowed-in NY apartment.
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