630: MUHAMMAD LEADS AN ARMY OF 10,000 TO CONQUER MECCA.
And so the Muslim juggernaut begins.
1503: ITALIAN ARTIST PARMIGIANINO IS BORN.
A lot of his work was cheesy.
1569: FIRST RECORDER LOTTERY IN ENGLAND.
Hello, duck, can you get me a couple of those bloomin' scratches?
1693: MOUNT ETNA ERUPTS IN SICILY, ITALY. A POWERFUL EARTHQUAKE DESTROYS PARTS OF SICILY AND MALTA.
Instead of doughnuts, the Red Cross handed out cannolis.
1759: IN PHILADELPHIA, THE FIRST AMERICAN LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY IS INCORPORATED.
Whereas, previously, there was no great payout if you managed to kill your wife.
1787: WILLIAM HERSCHEL DISCOVERS TITANIA AND OBERON, TWO MOONS OF URANUS.
Whose anus?
1805: THE MICHIGAN TERRITORY IS CREATED.
And immediately had the highest unemployment rate in the country.
1843: WRITER FRANCIS SCOTT KEY DIES.
No longer can he see by any light whatsoever.
1861: ALABAMA SECEDES FROM THE UNITED STATES.
Drinks would have been on me.
1863: DURING THE CIVIL WAR, GENERAL JOHN MCCLERNAND AND ADMIRAL DAVID DIXON PORTER CAPTURE THE ARKANSAS RIVER FOR THE UNION.
Bang, I shot a river.
1908: THE GRAND CANYON NATIONAL MONUMENT IS CREATED.
A fancy way of saying "big hole in the ground."
1919: ROMANIA ANNEXES TRANSYLVANIA.
Dracula, welcome home.
1922: FIRST USE OF INSULIN TO TREAT DIABETES IN A HUMAN PATIENT.
Previously tested on several diabetic chimps.
1925: TELEVISION PRODUCER GRANT TINKER IS BORN.
A genius amongst broadcast executives. And not primarily because he had the good sense to once have a thirty minute phone conversation with me.
1927: PRODUCER LOUIS B. MAYER ANNOUNCED THE CREATION OF THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES.
So, how come the Oscar wasn't called the Louie?
1928: TELEVISION PRODUCER DAVID WOLPER IS BORN.
Another genius amongst broadcast executives. And he did not have the good fortune to have a thirty minute phone conversation with me.
1935: AMELIA EARHART IS THE FIRST PERSON TO FLY SOLO FROM HAWAII TO CALIFORNIA.
"Don't worry about me flying by myself all the time. I'll be fine."
1942: MUSICIAN CLARENCE CLEMONS IS BORN.
And ultimately died. Five or six wives later.
1943: DURING WORLD WAR II, THE UNITED STATES AND ENGLAND GIVE UP TERRITORIAL RIGHTS IN CHINA.
So when does China wind up with the territorial rights in San Francisco?
1943: ITALIAN-AMERICAN ANARCHIST CARLO TRESCA IS ASSASSINATED IN NEW YORK.
The only good anarchist is the dead anarchist.
1949: FIRST RECORDED SNOWFALL IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
Traffic must have really been a bitch that day.
1960: HENRY LEE LUCAS, ONCE LISTED AS AMERICA'S MOST PROLIFIC SERIAL KILLER, COMMITS HIS FIRST KNOWN MURDER.
So, since ABC is cancelling "One Life to Live" this Friday, does that make the network a serial killer as well?
1964: THE U.S. SURGEON GENERAL PUBLISHES A LANDMARK REPORT SAYING THAT SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO HEALTH.
It took that long?
1965: BASEBALL PLAYER WALLY PIPP DIES.
Well, at least, he beat Lou Gehrig in one category.
1972: EAST PAKISTAN RENAMES ITSELF BANGLADESH.
Pass the mashed potatoes.
1979: ACTOR JACK SOO DIES.
Dead. Soo? Si. Who? Soo? Si.
2000: BASEBALL PLAYER-MANAGER BOB LEMON DIES.
No way Billy Martin was going to replace him this time. He was dead already.
2011: ACTOR DAVID NELSON DIES.
Here are the Nelsons. No, wait, there were the Nelsons.
2014: POLITICIAN ARIEL SHARON DIES.
Bad TV reception. No more Ariel.
2015: ACTRESS ANITA EKBERG DIES.
La Dolce Morte.
2016: BASEBALL MONTE IRVIN DIES.
Also frequent guest on TV's "Kiner's Korner."
Dinner last night: Leftover tortellini.
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