A Very Special Edition of Wednesday (With Bonus Features)

Can we all come out from under the bed yet?

---The Ringling Brothers Circus comes to the Staples Center today. It will have to go a long way to top yesterday's sideshow freaks.

---Why did they even bother to bury Michael Jackson? Just put him on tour all over the world. The Final Farewell Tour. It's over when the body is so unrecognizable that you can't even use it for compost.

---Could be the next edition of "Weekend at Bernie's."

---The hordes that flew into LA from all around the world to be near him are complete assholes. But I hope they are smart enough to remember they had round trip tickets.

---Rhetorical question: doesn't everybody keep operating room anesthesia in their own homes?

---Is that stuff available at Rite Aid? Maybe in the same aisle as Afrin and Bendadryl?

---With Michael Jackson essentially killing himself with a drug OD, I'm now super worried about Sally Field and all that Boniva she's taking.

---Remember that old commercial? Is she really a blonde? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.

---Well, was Michael white all over? Only his undertaker knows for sure.

---Let's face it. You only saw his face and hands lately. His body might have looked like one of those black and white cookies you used to buy at Zabar's in Grand Central Station.

---Watching them drive around the hearse yesterday morning, I thought it would have cool to have Al Cowlings as the driver.

---I could make a lot of money marketing a DVD of yesterday's service. With a laugh track and narration by those three puppets from Mystery Science Theater.

---The other four Jackson brothers were all dressed in matching ties and sequined gloves. Meanwhile, Daddy Joe Jackson was decked out in his Mississippi pimp finest.

---Here's hoping Daddy got through the day without hitting anybody.

---It's a well known fact out there that the grieving family was spotted the other night whooping it up at the Ivy Restaurant.

---A good old fashioned Irish wake.

---Black Irish.

---Guinness World Records reports this factoid about yesterday's memorial service: It was officially the most pairs of dark sunglasses worn indoors ever.

---Good friend Diana Ross didn't show because she thought it was a security risk.

---Except a good friend of mine recently spotted her in the supermarket putting frankfurters in her shopping cart. Not a bodyguard in sight.

---Diana's absence was noteworthy since she's supposedly in line to get his three "non-children" when Old Lady Jackson checks out.

---Now that's a sitcom in the making. Miss Supreme living with three unruly white kids.

---"You all stop messing with my wigs!"

---It would have been a clever idea for Macaulay Culkin and Corey Feldman to attend wearing nothing but tighty white underwear.

---Just like Michael would have wanted.

---I'm curious. Has Stevie Wonder ever fallen off a stage?

---One of the speakers was Pastor Lucious Smith and don't you wish your spiritual leader was also a shade of lipstick?

---Two of Martin Luther King's kids showed and Martin Luther King III has clearly not missed any meals.

---The daughter, however, looks like a nasty piece of business and talked about Michael being persecuted.

---I think she meant prosecuted...and barely that.

---Reverend Al Sharpton told Michael's alleged children that there was "nothing weird about your father."

---Gee, if the Hindenburg can blow up, why not Reverend Al?

---Two more words for Sharpton. Tawana Brawley. Tawana Brawley. Tawana Brawley.

---And two more words for Sharpton. Tax felon. Tax felon. Tax felon.

---Sharpton's also pushing for a Michael Jackson postage stamp. And isn't that where it all started for the King of Pop? Licking something on the behind.

---There was some bozo Black congresswoman from Houston who spoke and declared that Michael was innocent because he was not proven guilty.

---I think she'd be singing another tune if it was her grandson getting diddled by Michael behind the Neverland dumpster.

---This woman is my newest nomination to get kicked out of Congress.

---The guitar player from Paul Revere and the Raiders died on Monday and I wonder if he will get the same treatment.

---Okay, after all these histrionics, here's what I got out of the memorial service. Michael Jackson was...

---An amazing musical performer. Check.

---A dynamic singer with unbounding energy. Check.

---Incredibly misunderstood as a human being. Check.

---What I missed hearing about Michael Jackson at the service. He was...

---A child rapist. Check.

---A fraud who tried to pass off children as his own. Check.

---A drug addict. Check.

---A pedophile. Check.

---Making a Shakespearean descent into pure madness. Check.

---Largely ignored by his loving family and friends who did nothing to get this guy help for fear of upsetting the cash gravy train they were all riding. Check.

---Michael, thanks for the music. But you sure were a mess.

Hope you all woke up early this morning so you could experience 4:05:06 on 07/08/09.

Dinner last night: Salisbury steak at the Cheesecake Factory.