If you haven't started shopping yet, you might as well not bother.
---And start talking in a lot of Yiddish.
---Oh, by the way, please, no more desk calendars. By the time I remember I have one, it's July 20 and I'm over six months behind.
---As soon as it's December 1, I start practicing.
---"Oh, how nice, thank you. You shouldn't have."
---"Really, you shouldn't have."
---"Seriously, this is too much. You shouldn't have."
---What I'm really saying...
---"What the hell were you thinking?????"
---"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!!!!!!"
---After walking around New York for a year, I have decided the perfect gift for lots of people.
---Intelligence. Can you order that from Eddie Bauer?
---All over midtown Manhattan, there are loads of idiots mindlessly walking around with their heads cocked upward at a 45 degree angle.
---And then bumping into the next person.
---I don't remember the same frenzy when I was a kid about Christmas at Rockefeller Center.
---It's a freakin' tree! And, by January 15, it will be compost.
---With all the senior citizens shuffling their walkers into Radio City Music Hall every two hours, I have an interesting thought.
---At the end of every performance, how many seats are wet?
---And, no, I'm not talking about a leaky Diet Pepsi.
---Meanwhile, at West Side Story, they have devised a wonderful product. A sippy cup that actually allows you to bring in your drink from intermission.
---The person who invented this. Now, that's the dude who needs to get a Nobel Peace Prize.
---Spotted in American's JFK Admirals Club yesterday: Ted Danson and wife Mary Steenburgen.
---Ted and I made eye contact. I said, "cheers."
---Well, I thought it was clever at the time.
---Later on, they were three rows ahead of me on the flight. A good six hour look at the bald spot on his head.
---Then, as I left baggage claim, I walked right into hapless Dodger owner Frank McCourt.
---As a full season ticket holder, I felt I had the total right to say something.
---"Hello, Mr. McCourt."
---I startled him. He waved sheepishly.
---A deer in headlights. Perhaps he thought I was a process server. I hear he's seen a few of them lately.
---Maybe he thought he was being outed. Who were you there to pick up, Frank? Certainly not the missus.
---Hmmmmmmmm......
---On the flip side, Tiger Woods is now hiding out in Sweden.
---Yeah, there's all ugly women there.
---I'd say he's the big winner for 2009. But, frankly, when you think about it, Nancy Pelosi has fucked a lot more folks in the same time frame.
---Obama graded his first year and gave himself a B+.
---Obviously, there's a bell curve.
---My entire NY week was incredibly unsettled. My abode there had a demonic thermostat.
---If the temperature outside was 50 degrees, the heat was on and the apartment was a hellish 80 degrees.
---When the temperature outdoors was 25 degrees, the temperature inside was 50 degrees.
---I wasn't sure when I should call the building super or an exorcist.
---You think it's broken?
---My sinuses sure think so.
---They're now as clogged as the 405 Freeway the day before Thanksgiving.
But, thank goodness that's where I am today. And, goodbye, Juan Pierre. Thanks for everything you did this year.
Dinner last night: Evelyn's Favorite Pasta at the Cheesecake Factory.
2 comments:
Just returned from the day's Christmas shopping and I'm pleased with what I purchased. Hope the recipients will feel the same. Despite the recession, there will be gag gifts this year. I'm not cutting back on humor. We need it more than ever.
I passed on a Dodgers gift for you, figuring you already have it.
i never meet anyone famous by accident. =( a friend of mine, however, got to shake hands w/ Jets coach Rex Ryan at a Rangers game. at this same game, an old girlfriend of mine told him i should die in afghanistan. lol. i thought it was funny as hell.
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