Let me be your diversion for these last shopping moments. Better you spend time here than in the malls. Let's face it. You were going to buy the wrong thing anyway.
---Thank God we are also nearing the end of Christmas music on the radio.
---If I hear Jose Feliciano and "Feliz Navidad" one more time, I can't guarantee that I won't be violent the next time I see a blind guy with a guitar.
---And, after you've heard Eartha Kitt and "Santa Baby" for the 10,000th time...
---Oddly enough, she died last Christmas Day.
---"Santa Baby, no need to get out of your bed, I'm dead."
---If Burl Ives had been Jewish, what kind of career would he have had?
---That guy must have looked at the month of December like a tax accountant views April.
---Rumor has it Burl was a big ole Commie back when. So, I'm thinking he dug Santa's red outfit.
---I worry about the "Winter Wonderland" song.
---"Later on, we'll conspire as we dream by the fire."
---Conspire?
---According to Webster's Dictionary, "conspire" means "to do something wrong or illegal."
---Which makes "Winter Wonderland" the official Christmas carol of the Taliban.
---By the way, how is it that our government satellites can track Santa Claus every Christmas Eve and they still can't find Bin Laden?
---I'm sure you've heard that "Sleigh Ride" song with the horses.
---Clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop.
---It might remind you of Christmas. Me, I think of the old opening to the Yonkers Raceway show every Saturday night.
---"Clippity, clippity, clippity, clop. Yonkers Raceway, that's the stop."
---Luckily, I can avoid the usual Christmas music shit by tuning into Sirius Satellite in the car. Where the Christmas music channel plays a lot of stuff you never hear.
---Glenn Miller, Woody Herman, Pearl Bailey, Dean Martin. All wonderful!
---Back in the day, every musical star did a Christmas album. Whether or not they were Christians.
---It's fun to hear "Oh, Come All Ye Faithful" sung by Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.
---Two well-known Sephardic Jews.
---And Paul Anka jingling all the way.
---One of the biggest bastards ever to see the inside of a Hollywood recording studio.
---I guess it's okay to be that angry when you're short and ugly.
---Some of the records and artists are a little too obscure, though.
---They've played Christmas carols as sung by the New Christy Minstrels.
---What makes them new? Is that to say there were Old Christy Minstrels.
---And, are they singing "Silent Night" in black face? I mean, they're minstrels, right?
---Has anybody ever seen or known a Ray Conniff Singer? Do they really exist or is that just a musical urban legend?
---But, still...props to Sirius for putting good stuff on the air. And not playing any Christmas music from Band Aid.
---"Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"
---I'm guessing yes. Because there's shit under the tree.
---I also want to hurl everytime I hear that Mexican ditty.
---"Mamacita, donde esta Santa Claus?"
---I know. Santa's in the trunk of the car, alongside Uncle Alberto.
---Thankfully, I've only heard "Christmas Shoes" once this year. That dreadful mess about some kid who wants to buy shoes for his dying mom because she's going to meet Jesus on Christmas Eve.
---Because nothing says holiday joy more than Mom on a heavy morphine drip.
---And I'm thinking that it's not so easy to meet Jesus on Christmas Eve. I mean, it's the guy's birthday and I'm sure there's a long line.
---Do we suppose that Tiger Woods will be getting a Christmas goose?
Dinner last night: Pork tenderloins and grilled plantains in a holiday celebration hosted by some good friends.
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