The Hits of the 70s???

No single decade offered as many shitty songs as the 70s. One after another, these ditties featured ridiculous lyrics, goofy melodies, and ultra-questionable performers. If you take a snapshot of them all in one spot as I do below, you will definitely see what I mean. So, put on your high heel shoes and your Qiana blouses for the trip down memory lane. And, oh, you ladies can come along, too.

As we head out into Wella Balsam Land, try to think about what all these horrible songs have in common.

Billy, Don't Be a Hero: Pictured above in the album cover from Paper Lace. Yes, that Paper Lace. Who, you say? Paper Lace. Luckily, they disappeared as quickly as they arrived. This mess was all about some girl finding out Billy was killed being a hero in Vietnam. The song came out in 1974. Didn't the war end the year before? Billy was not only a hero, but incredibly stupid.

Magnet and Steel: "You are magnet and I am steel." I hear this crap and I immediately think about that toy with the bald-headed guy. You took a little magnet and moved the little metal shavings over his head so he could have hair or a beard. But, somehow, I don't think this is what inspired the writers of these inane lyrics.

Too Much, Too Little, Too Late: This might have been the last hit record for Johnny Mathis, who pretty much retired to the golf course after that. My writing partner sees him in the supermarket all the time. I don't really understand what the title is about, except I am reminded of it every time I hear the latest news out of Washington, DC.

Brandy, You're a Fine Girl: Brandy is obviously also very needy. And a much better liqueur. The song was performed by Looking Glass. Yes, that Looking Glass. Who, you say? Looking Glass.

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover: Frankly, I found Paul Simon's stuff very annoying after he split with Art Garfunkel. This song is just one example. Actually, this song is fifty of them.

Seasons in the Sun: A big hit for Terry Jacks, who joins Looking Glass and Paper Lace on the list of mystery talents. This song is all about somebody's dying letter to their relatives. One of about twenty tunes that is absolutely guaranteed to make me switch it off in about five seconds.

Annie's Song: "You fill up my senses." With that awful cologne of yours. Unfortunately, the 70s was a banner decade for the endless wailing of John Denver, who I had the misfortune of seeing in concert once. On a date with some pain-in-the-ass who filled up my senses...with rage.

A Horse With No Name: What ever happened to the group America? Well, I'll tell you. They played at a corporate sales meeting I attended about ten years ago. This particular song always intrigued me. If a horse has no name, can it be in a race at Belmont? How could the track announcer function? "And, around the turn, it's Anonymous. Anonymous, by four lengths. Anonymous, by five lengths. Anonymous wins!"

The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia: That's when the looting began. Vicki Lawrence with a musical career??? What was next? Lyle Waggoner dancing with the Joffrey?

Thank God I'm A Country Boy: More vomit induction from John Denver. Thank God he was a country boy. He sure as hell wasn't a pilot.

Me and Mrs. Jones: "We've got a thang going on....do dah do dah do dah." Billy Paul's big hit. He did nothing after this. Perhaps he returned to a life where he lived comfortably off the revenue his mother made selling fish sticks.

Song Sung Blue: Even Neil Diamond could make a mistake in the 70s. Another one of the top 20 songs mostly likely to make me change the dial within five seconds.

Having My Baby: Paul Anka's last big hit was in 1959. And then this swill in 1974. The comeback that we could have all done without. This is a totally self-involved disaster by a guy who is well known to be one of the biggest shitheads to ever walk into a recording studio. Meanwhile, he's about four foot eleven.

Alone Again Naturally: Gilbert O'Sullivan's only hit and who was he trying to fool with that name? A bizarre mix of gleefulness and clinical depression. The only medications that could treat both of those mental capacities simultaneously were probably found in Judy Garland's purse.

Have You Ever Been Mellow: Olivia Newton-John also clogged the airwaves in the 70s with some aural sugar rushes. I would listen to her music and I could actually hear cavities forming in my mouth.

Muskrat Love: The Captain and Tennille. Enough said. And I always thought the Captain looked a little bit like a rodent, too.

Knock Three Times: We used to have a very special name for the artists involved in this crime. "Tony Orlando and Puke."

Brand New Key: One of the worst songs of any decade. Some dumbbell simply named Melanie (although her last name was Safka) put together this thing which might have caused cancer of the ears. They say the song was banned by some radio stations for being sexually explicit. Huh?? "I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key. I think that we should get together and try them out you see. I been looking around awhile. You got something for me." Oh, I get it. Sort of. Maybe I'm weird, but I never automatically connect roller skates or keys to genitals.

Love Will Keep Us Together: At least, the Captain and Tennille were consistent.

Sunshine On My Shoulder: John Denver, that sunshine on your shoulder will soon be behind you as your plane does that nosedive into the Pacific. Now, it's not sunshine anymore. It's lots and lots and lots and lots of salt water.

So what does all this dreck have in common?

They were all went to # 1 on the charts.

And my parents thought that growing up during the Depression was hard?

Kudos to the Bibster for helping me with some of the research for this piece.

Dinner last night: Pork loin with caramelized onions, fennel, and grilled radicchio at Locanda Venetia.