Your Weekend Movie Guide for February 2010

This is a great photo of the wonderful Alex Theater in Glendale, circa the late 1960s. Frankly, this restored gem doesn't look that much different today. Last weekend, I got to enjoy Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" there on its big screen. Pure cinematic nirvana.

As for this weekend, pure cinematic junk. Here's what is playing at the local multiplex sewers. You know our monthly drill. I'll flip through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my knee jerk reactions to the crap we are being handed by Hollywood. Just remember to flush afterwards. And, employees, please wash your hands.

Crazy Heart: The role which will give Jeff Bridges a Best Actor Oscar in a few short weeks. The movie's about your typical down-on-his-luck-boozed-up country singer. To its credit, the film takes some unexpected turns and it should be seen for the mere reason that it dares to be a little different from the usual tale of your typical down-on-his-luck-boozed-up country singer.

Valentine's Day: The box office smash of last weekend. Methinks that people will be less inclined to see "Valentine's Day" the weekend after the holiday. Another one of those romantic comedies that features two dozen B-list actors running around in one dozen different short vignettes lasting no more than four minutes each. Director Garry Marshall works all the time, but has he made a good movie since "Pretty Woman?" Meanwhile, Garry is the man I'm most likely to run into while peeing in a mens room. I see him in front of a urinal at the Hollywood Bowl practically every summer Saturday. At "Murphy Brown," I was introduced to him in the bathroom just as we both were going to lose some water. And he did wash his hands before shaking mine.

Shutter Island: The Martin Scorsese horror fest finally opens. The trailer's been running in theaters since last summer. I've watched it so much that I actually think I've already seen the movie. Leonardo DiCaprio officially replaces Robert DeNiro as the man that Scorsese simply can't do a movie without.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians in the Lightning Thief: A Harry Potter knock-off. But the ad says it's based on the best selling novel. In what book store, please? I've never heard of Percy Jackson, the Olympians, or the Lightning Thief.

The Wolfman: Universal dusts off another monster from their archives. With the latest version now loaded with gut wrenching special effects and idiotic video game graphics, I'm guessing that the original from the 1930s is still ten times better. And that was probably shot with a single camera in Lon Chaney's basement. One more example of how catering to the 18-to-24 year-old male is killing the movie industry. Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins co-stars and who is surprised by that? The guy makes about two movies a week. I don't think he even bothers to read scripts beforehand. "Mr. Hopkins, we'd like you to appear in..." "Yes, when?"

Avatar: The most overrated movie in film history. Listen closely. This is the exact same script as "Dances with Wolves."

Up in the Air: I've reminded you about this movie at least three different times. If you still have not seen it, I've lost all hope in you.

The Book of Eli: A show of hands, please. How many people are sick and tired of Denzel Washington? Er, hold on, I can't count that fast. Denzel's becoming another hack who can't say "no." "Mr. Washington, we'd like you to appear in.." "Yes, when?"

Tooth Fairy: Extract, please. And don't even bother with the quarter underneath the pillow.

When In Rome: Don't do as these Romans do. Who greenlights this shit in the first place?

Dear John: Another sappy teenage romance. Return to sender, address unknown.

From Paris With Love: Another piece of action garbage with John Travolta. He must have the same agent as Anthony Hopkins and Denzel Washington. It must be against their religion for Scientologists to say "no."

Edge of Darkness: Not to be confused with "The Edge of Night," which was one of my grandmother's favorite soap operas. One of those thrillers with Mel Gibson. It might be fun to see so you can try and figure out which scenes he's drunk in.

A Single Man: A great performance by Colin Firth in a very dreary movie about some gay guy dealing with the tragic death of his lover during the 1960s. Julianne Moore tries to do a British accent and she comes off like somebody in a YWCA production of "Oliver." If you're in the mood for some good old clinical depression, this is your movie.

The Last Station: The film sports Oscar-nominated performances from Christopher Plummer and Helen Mirren. It's all about the last year of Leo Tolstoy. Heck, I'm still trying to catch up on all the other Leo Tolstoy years I've missed.

The Good Guy: Why do I know that this is not "The John Edwards Story?"

The Ghost Writer: Something that co-stars Pierce Brosnan, but the good news is that, unlike "Mamma Mia," it's not a musical. We won't be subjected to Brosnan sounding like a partially-crushed cat on the side of the freeway. Roman Polanski is the director, so it's a pretty safe bet that it was filmed elsewhere.

North Face: Either a documentary on mountain climbing or Joan Rivers' first seven plastic surgeries.

The Girl on the Train: Not to be confused with "The Boy on the Bus" or "The Baby on the Escalator." That's my way of saying I know nothing about this movie and I don't have a better joke to insert here.

Blood Done Sign My Name: Winner of the "Most Confusing Title of the Week" contest. A movie about civil unrest. It stars Ricky Schroder and who knew that he was Black?

Happy Tears: Not to be confused with "Sad Smiles" or "Ambivalent Toenails." Again, that's my way of saying I know nothing about this movie and I don't have a better joke to insert here.

The Young Victoria: Stifling a yawn, stifling a yawn, stifling a....sorry, I couldn't do it. YAWN!

Dinner last night: Ham sandwich with side salad.