Oscar Nominees # 9 and # 10

You lucky blog readers. Today, you're getting two movie reviews for the price of one. And, since you pay nothing to be here in the first place, this is the bargain to end all bargains.

In my never-ending quest to keep you all well informed, I wanted to comment on all ten of the movies nominated for this year's Best Picture Oscar. The two that I missed are films that I essentially had no interest in seeing when they first came out. But, thanks to the glory of Academy screeners floating around my office, I am now able to say I've seen them all. And I paid nothing to see them. The same price you pay to read this every day. Everything comes full circle. But, I digress...

I figured "District 9" was nothing more than another alien invader movie. So, when it came out last August, it was only natural that I skip one of these special effects-bloated affairs. I was wrong.

A little.

Oh, this has got a bunch of CGI. And there are the requisite explosions that are designed to curtail your hearing for several hours. But, surprise, surprise, there is a story. Cue the fanfare. There is a story. And it is told in less than two hours. Who has "Ripley's Believe It or Not" on their speed dial?

"District 9" is set not too far in the future. A spaceship is stuck in the air over some city and the aliens can't get home. Apparently, none of them had the good sense to make a telephone out of old toys like ET did. So, they're trapped here and, because they're "different," the earthlings put them into some ramshackle concentration camps. We become very familiar with one very smart alien who also has a whiz of a son. Before it morphs into a sci-fi version of "The Courtship of Eddie's Father," they join forces with that always convenient plot device---the one earthling who has sympathy for their plight. We've seen it all before, but, somehow, "District 9" makes it feel new.

And, almost miraculously, they do it with some heart. In the hands of some young Hollywood schmuck/director like that asshole who did "The Dark Knight,", this tale would have droned on for almost three hours and my senses would no longer be functioning. But, this filmmaker is from Australia or New Zealand and really knows how to tell a story and then get off the stage. A director that can still do that in 2010? Priceless.

Is "District 9" Oscar worthy? Probably not. But, midway through the movie, I figured out why it was nominated. Because it plays the famous game, "Six Degrees of the Holocaust." The surefire way to Oscar recognition is to somehow connect your movie to the Jews during World War II. This one gets there in two degrees. Creatures that are "different." Number one. Confined to concentration camps. Number two. Done. Where do we mail the official notification of your Oscar nomination?

Following on the same rule of thumb, "Inglourious Basterds" gets there in one shot. It's all about Jews getting their revenge on Nazis. No wonder Hollywood has gone non-Lady gaga over this mess. I am betting that any development executive with the letters "stein" or "berg" in their last name has already seen it twice.

Despite rave reviews around me, I held out as long as I could on "Inglourious Basterds." I make it a lifetime practice to try and keep myself as Quentin Tarantino-free as possible. I think it's better for everyday digestion and bowel movements. Frankly, I'm not one who has ever been overly impressed with his unique style. Because, in my humble opinion, his style is essentially a combination of about 200 different styles. He throws everything up on a wall whether it makes sense or not. Most of the time, it doesn't. And he doesn't give a shit. That's why some people call him a genius. That's why I call him a hack.

Don't get me wrong. "Inglourious Basterds" held my interest. And I didn't realize I was completely wasting my time until it was over. Because I have no use for a filmmaker who wants to be totally inconsistent with his on-screen choices for the sake of appearing "different." It's a drama set during World War II. Yet, the music under the opening credits is "The Green Leaves of Summer," which was originally used in John Wayne's 1960 epic, "The Alamo." Later on, a character is putting on her lipstick to a David Bowie song. Then, another character talks about walking the red carpet at a movie premiere. Were Joan and Melissa Rivers working them during 1944 Munich? I think not. "Inglourious Basterds" is nothing but the hash you would order at the Thruway Diner. Whatever is left over in the refrigerator finds its way into the final product.

World War II historians need not apply to see this movie. There is not an ounce of authenticity within five miles of the film. Instead, "Inglourious Basterds" is more like one of those Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck cartoons from the 40s when even our Looney Tunes were devoted to knocking off the Krauts and the Japs. Bugs would hand Adolf Hitler a bomb. Ker-blooey. Er, that's all, folks. Well, that's what Tarentino gives you here. At the end, Hitler is riddled with so many bullets that you almost forgive him for the bad haircut. It's all so preposterous that even Anne Frank would be cringing.

Much has been made of the performance by Christoph Waltz as the devious Nazi officer. Not only has the Best Supporting Actor Oscar been giftwrapped for him already, he's probably already given his post-ceremony interview to the press. If he was good in the movie, it didn't show up on the screen. Waltz' portrayal is so over-the-top that it looked like a Paul Lynde guest shot on "Hogan's Heroes." This guy is involved in so many long-winded talking-at-a-table scenes that I was convinced I was watching Marlene Dietrich on yesterday's episode of "The View." I'm sorry, Mr. Waltz. In my mind, there is still a competition for that Academy Award.

At least, they had the good sense not to nominate Brad Pitt for his work in this film. Here, Mr. Pitt provides what may be the worst acting performance in the history of the medium. In what used to be a promising career, Brad is now on a downhill collision course that even Toyota couldn't repair. As an actor, Pitt has a much more promising future as a plank of wood. A complete train wreck of epic proportions. No wonder Jolie is ditching him. Those orphans he adopted may see this movie and fly right back to Vietnam or wherever the hell they came from.

So there you are. My take on Oscar Nominees # 9 and #10. One deserves to be there. One deserves to not be there. But, in Hollywood, you can never tell. If the producers of "It's Complicated" really wanted to be considered for the top award, they should have adjusted their plot so that Meryl Streep's first husband was not Alec Baldwin, but Oskar Schindler.

Dinner last night: Chile with chicken.