Extra Dry Wednesday

Pull up your coaster and bring a pint of Snarky Ale.

---The summer is here. And to all you tourist morons clogging Los Angeles and New York: Please remember that you have a round trip ticket.

---The Hollywood environs over the weekend were particularly overrun with peckerwoods from the Midwest. All of them convinced they will have a chance meeting with a Jonas brother.

---Whoever the hell they are.

---All over town, you run into these tour buses. Nothing more than an old van hollowed out in the back and equipped with a couple of cheap sofas. Bingo! You have a tour business.

---It's not like you see anything different.

---"Over there, folks, is where John Forsythe once had a coughing fit and spit up some phlegm."

----Oooooooohh.

---"In that drugstore, Jonah Hill once got stopped for trying to sneak out with a bag of Ricola cough drops."

---Oooooooooooohhh.

---"See that vacant lot. There was once a two story building there, but Larry King walked by right after having a pastrami sandwich at Canter's and..."

---Ooooooooooohhhhhhh. And phew!

---And, speaking of a bad diet...

---Have you ever noticed how many pictures you see of Obummer eating bad food in some dive? For Pete's sake, talk about a stereotype. A Black guy eating himself to a future of diabetes and high blood pressure.

---Jeez, the only thing missing is a bag of Tom's Barbecue Potato Chips and a bottle of "blue" soda.

---And let's not forget the smoking addiction. The patented GPS route to a stroke.

---Meanwhile, that gnarly pile of hair extensions, otherwise known as Michelle I-bama, is running around and telling the rest of us how to eat properly.

---Except you know those two Obummer kids are dripping their Icees all over the White House.

---If she's truly worried about a proper diet, she should look no further than the other side of her own Sit N'Sleep.

---If he's even there...

---Oh, come on, gang, you're all thinking the same thing. He's gotta have something on the side other than a dish of cole slaw.

---If Al Gore can get some nooky, anything is possible.

---There's bonus points if Obummer is cheating and the chick is White.

---Sorry, Angie Dickinson, no need to raise your hand and volunteer. You already had your time on the Oval Office carpet.

---In what parallel universe does a woman actually find Al Gore sexy?

---You don't think this idiot was running all over the country with that Powerpoint presentation just to save the environment, do you?

---Meanwhile, my guess is that Mrs. Gore was also screwing around. Maybe with a waiter down at the Olive Garden.

---Because, after all, she is a good Tipper.

---Oh, shut up! You try to come up with this stuff every Wednesday for over three years and see how funny you can be.

---And this just from the Dopey Vice President Department: this is how I feel as well whenever I have to listen to Joe Biden...

---Some people will do anything to get out of listening to this asshole talk.

---Biden calls for a doctor in the house.

---And if Oprah's physician, that crackpot Dr. Mehmet Oz, was there, they'd still be looking for one.

---Watching a little bit of this guy, I realize that his background is completely fabricated. Probably nothing more than a school nurse with a can of Band Aids.

---I saw this jerk once spend a half hour telling the droids the wonders of rinsing your sinuses.

---Er, I was doing this for the past five years. And nobody gave me a Daytime Emmy.

---I watched the New York Yankees play at Dodger Stadium over the weekend. And, after two thorough showers with Lava soap, I finally feel clean again.

---Looking at Yankee hurler Sabathia, I can tell you one thing his initials "CC" don't stand for.

---"Calorie Counter."

---Seriously, this is a left-handed brick shit house. I thought Jonathan Broxton was a big boy?

---Sabathia might have been the fourth targeted building on 9/11.

---It was good to see Alex Rodriguez. And how is the missus, Alex?

---Billy Crystal, the world's foremost Yankee fan, naturally showed up for the games. And to run some Windex handi-wipes over Joe Torre's office desk.

---By the way, Billy, the term limits on hearing those stories about you seeing Yankee Stadium for the first time were about ten years ago.

---Still, my favorite tale is one that Billy doesn't know. Unless, of course, if he reads this blog because I have told it here before.

---Picture this: Billy the Asshole running around a Yankee Oldtimer's Day begging for Mickey Mantle to have a catch with him.

---A euphoric moment for Mr. Crystal.

---And Mr. Mantle's comment right afterward? "Can you believe I had to play catch with that stupid goddamn Jew?"

---Still as priceless as ever.

---Watching the court hearings, I am astounded how much Elena Kagan looks and sounds just like Rosie O'Donnell.

---And that's good enough reason for me. No Supreme Court job for you, Chubbs.

---There is a spot open at second base on the company softball team. It's your turn to bring the keg.

---Meanwhile, on the other end of the bench, that old crow Ruth Bader Ginsburg's hubby had his bags sent down to God's lobby.

---Gee, I figured that Moses had died years ago.

---Probably the first quiet time this guy has had in years.

---And, speaking more ill of the dead, that old fossil Senator Robert Byrd finally croaked.

---I love to hear the Democrats falling over each other to praise this rat bastard, who was a big ole racist. Short memories all.

---What the hell was this coot still doing in the Senate? He was 92 years old! How dumb was his state in electing this jackass at that age???

---Oh, well, he's the Devil's problem now.

Dinner last night: German salami sandwich.