Saul and Heshe Kibitz About the Tony Awards

Our two favorite oldtime Hollywood Jews, Saul and Heshe, were watching the Tony Awards on television Sunday night and here's what they had to say the next morning over scrambled eggs at Nate N' Al's Delicatessen in Beverly Hills.

"Oy vey. This is why I don't go to Broadway anymore."

"Yeah, I used to take the wife every summer for a couple of shows. Now all she wants to do is have a knish at the Carnegie and spend off my IRA at Loehmann's."

"Last time I took the missus for a Broadway trip, she came home with no Playbill and a two gallon tin full of M & Ms. Which she needs like I need a pastrami on rye at midnight."

"My wife doesn't even know what the Tonys are. She still thinks it's a home permanent."

"Did you watch those production numbers on the awards show? Noise like you wouldn't believe. Do we have Arthur Freed on speed dial?"

"These are musicals? Vey iz mir. Merman is rolling over in her shroud."

"Who the hell is Green Day?"

"Doris' kid?"

"Something called American Idiot. What is this? Another show about George Bush with that schmuck Will Ferrell?"

"The noise sounded like when my housekeeper Consuelo can't find the right frying pan."

"And the dancing. Such a mess. Fey. It's not like they had Gene Kelly or that nice boy Michael Kidd."

"It's all acrobats. Like a bunch of Russian midgets on the Ed Sullivan Show. Hello, Cyd Charisse? Are you still available?"

"She's dead."

"Go on. I just saw her at Rite Aid."

"That wasn't Cyd. That was Richard Benjamin. You always get those two mixed up."

"And one of the musicals nominated was something called Fela."

"Like the cheese?"

"No. Fela."

"Like FDR's dog?"

"Oy, no. It was some African mishagoss."

"You pay 125 dollars for a ticket. You can see the same nonsense outside of the Port Authority Bus Terminal."

"Such ugly costumes on those schvatz. Looked like the Eartha Kitt estate sale."

"All these musicals now are all about how rock and roll started. Jersey Boys? About those four guindaloons from Newark. Memphis? Same thing."

"Call me when they do a Broadway musical on how they discovered Dino, Desi, and Billy."

"That production number from La Cage Aux Folles, did you see? Lots of ugly women in that chorus."

"Those were men."

"Oh, for a minute, I thought Patti Lu Pone was working again."

"Did you see Valerie Harper and Linda Lavin nominated? Hello, Rhoda. Hello, Alice."

"What? Bonnie Franklin couldn't get a play? She's so busy?"

"Maybe she's dead."

"No, I saw her at Walgren's. Or maybe that was Donny Most. I always get them mixed up."

"Angela Lansbury is holding up well, no?"

"One-A-Day Vitamins for Women. I think Abe Lincoln saw her in Mame."

"Of course, they had to drag out some of those alta kockers from Glee. They are performing everywhere these days."

"I'll bet they did a number at Lena Horne's funeral."

"What about Sean Hayes as the host?"

"Fagila."

"If you're going to be a little light in the loafers, you better have good writers for the monologue."

"Where are Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie when you really need them?"

"Maybe we should produce a play and win the Tony for next year."

"Yeah, it's so easy. You put in a shwug, you give them AIDs, and let them bitch about the government. Hoo hoo hoo. That's what they call drama."

"We win the big prize and go to Sardi's for a smart cocktail."

"Maybe add a little music and we could go double or nothing. Win Best Musical."

"Let's call Johnny Mercer and ask him."

"He's dead."

"Go on, I saw him at Cyd Charisse's house just last Thursday."

Dinner last night: Turkey sausage, rice, and broccoli.