"Oy."
"Oy is right. Why do we watch this chazzerei every year?"
"Because we're schmucks who used to get invited. But that was back when Carl Betz was still alive."
"If I'm napping at 7PM, it's officially called bedtime. So, if they want me to watch the Emmys, make them earlier."
"12 Noon at Nate N'Al's. I'm there."
"It's supposed to be about excellence in television. So, how come it's always the worst show of the season."
"Did you see all the fancy schmancy dresses? Red is the new black."
"I don't Barack Obama was the new black."
"Meanwhile, nobody ever filled out an evening gown like Sheree North. Va-va-va-voom. God bless."
"Kate Winslet was wearing red."
"Nice girl, but pick an accent please and stick with it. Is she English? Is she Irish? Is she Polish? Who can tell?"
"She won for Mildred Pierce. Which, by the way, she's still no Joan Crawford. Now there's somebody who knew how to slap somebody."
"I had a welt on my cheek for two months. Hello."
"Who was that tall drink of water who was the host?"
"Jane Lynch. That one from the glee club show. All the kids are watching."
"She's a lesbian."
"I didn't know she was related to Danny Thomas."
"Knock, knock. You got cole slaw in your ears? She likes the ladies."
"So did Bob Hope. Why do you think he took Joey Heatherton to Vietnam every Christmas?"
"Did you see any of these shows that won?"
"I tried Mad Men, but all that smoking. Hoo boy. Not even with a filter tip on their Pall Malls."
"They'll be really mad ten years later when the black spots start showing up on their lungs."
"So much for the shtupping of the private secretaries. And they weren't all hellcats like that Ann Sothern."
"They gave out the Best Comedy Actress award like it was a beauty pageant. Meanwhile, I didn't see any Mary Ann Mobleys in the bunch.''
"Mary Ann Mobley, nothing. I would have taken a turn with Lee Meriwether."
"She wasn't there either. But I didn't see her name when they listed all the dead people, so, knock wood, maybe she'll turn up in Art's Deli some night."
"Lots of alter kockers croaked this year. I'm still kicking. Thank you very much. And, every once in a while, an erection. God bless."
"With the pill or without."
"I got an old Photoplay magazine with Debra Paget on the cover. That does the trick."
"What about that Julianna Marguiles?"
"Her, I would poke. Except what she was wearing? Solar panels?"
"That Katie Holmes was there. I guess the dumbbell husband was out on Hollywood Boulevard handing out leaflets for Scientology."
"Schmuck."
"Schmuck."
"She was in that Kennedy show playing Jackie with the pillbox. But, whoo, hoo, she can't act."
"She was so bad in that program JFK shot himself at the end."
"So Charlie Sheen showed up and wished his former show well."
"That's because his career is now worth two and a half dollars."
"He should have been like his father. A lunatic but a quiet one."
"Schmuck."
"Schmuck."
"And stop already with thanking everybody in the acceptance speeches. Me?
I mention the wife and my proctologist...and not in that order."
"You got so many friends in the business now? Guess what? They dry up fast. Where is Morey Amsterdam when you need him?"
"Dead."
"I didn't hear his name on the Emmys."
"He went buns up years ago. Catch up. The Hollywood Reporter is now available on the World Wide Web."
"I don't read it. Too depressing. All these young noodniks running the business into the ground."
"They should see what we saw. They should know what we know."
"They should fuck who we fucked."
"Shelley Winters."
"Me, too. God bless."
Dinner last night: Spaghetti and meatballs.
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