Ah, memories. My father took me to see this movie at Radio City Music Hall and I am guessing we went to the 1:01PM showing.
Is there a movie you would like to see with your dad this weekend? Probably not. But there are certainly a whole bunch of flicks that you take your closest enemy to see. That's one good way to get rid of him or her.
You know the tried-and-true drill. I flip through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and I'll give you my slapdash, knee-jerk reaction to the films being advertised there.
If you expect nothing, then you won't be disappointed.
Contagion: Bird flu on steroids. Will the usher please remove that person who's sneezing in the row behind me?
I Don't Know How She Does It: Good news! There's one more nonsensical romantic comedy for us to behold. Sarah Jessica Parker is an executive trying to juggle career and love. Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear co-star. Just how many reasons do you need to avoid this?
The Lion King 3-D: Disney's most overrated cartoon ever returns in a 3-D edition. The only way this movie improves for me is if they give me a blindfold. The circle of life? Phooey!
Drive: A Hollywood stuntman drives the getaway car for robberies. Ryan Gosling, who generally is never horrible, stars. I wonder if there is a stunt driver for the actor playing the stunt driver.
The Help: I've already skewered this and it deserves no additional mention. Except that it stinks.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes: I enjoyed this prequel to the original series. Although Roddy McDowell looked more like a chimp than the real animal. The filmmakers did miss one delicious opportunity when the apes overrun San Francisco. I wanted to see them trash AT&T Park during a Giants game. Wait. Those aren't monkeys. They really are Giants fans.
The Debt: This is either a World War II Israeli-Nazi thriller starring Helen Mirren or a 60 Minutes segment on Washington's new jobs act. If yo have no money as a result of the latter, you cannot afford to go see the former.
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: Except, of course, if it's a theater playing this piece of junk.
Final Destination 5: How many more before it really is "final?"
Our Idiot Brother: Paul Rudd, who makes a new movie every day, plays another jerk. And the only ones who are jerkier are those who keep casting him in dribble like this.
Mozart's Sister: This movie....ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
One Day: After spending the night together on the night of their college graduation Dexter and Em are shown each year on the same date to see where they are in their lives. They are sometimes together, sometimes not, on that day. Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess are in it, so please send all complaints directly to them.
Shark Night 3-D: Get yourself a DVD of the original Jaws and watch that.
Warrior: The youngest son (Tom Hardy) of an alcoholic former boxer returns home, where he's trained by his father for competition in a mixed martial arts tournament. Nick Nolte is the dad, so expect to miss at least half of the dialogue.
A Good Old Fashioned Orgy: A group of 30-year-olds who have been friends since high school attempt to throw an end-of-summer orgy. Gee, whatever happened to reunions where you wore name tags with your old yearbook photos?
Fright Night: A teenager suspects that his new neighbor is a vampire. Nope, that's just the new head of the homeowners association.
Spy Kids - All The Time in the World 4D: The ad says that the movie was filmed in Aroma-scope. I can tell you this smells pretty bad and I'm not even in the theater.
Higher Ground: Vera Farmiga, so good in "Up in the Air," directs and stars in a movie about a woman struggling with her faith. It sounds dreary, but her talent alone might make it interesting enough for me to sample.
30 Minutes or Less: Two fledgling criminals kidnap a pizza delivery guy, strap a bomb to his chest, and inform him that he has mere hours to rob a bank or else. In a really sick way, this is great product placement for Domino's.
Chasing Madoff: A documentary about you-know-who and I'm betting this is already in Fred Wilpon's Netflix queue.
Apollo 18: A garbage can in five reels. Producers try to get you to think that there were unpublicized trips to the moon. Ron Howard, do not lose sleep over this.
Conan the Barbarian: The better movie about an ogre named Conan is "Conan O'Brien Can't Stop."
Straw Dogs: L.A. screenwriter David Sumner relocates with his wife to her hometown in the deep South. There, while tensions build between them, a brewing conflict with locals becomes a threat to them both. This may or may not be a remake of the Dustin Hoffman original, which means that it may or may not be any good.
Happy Happy: All about a wonderfully optimistic housewife. She obviously has not been watching any of those series on Bravo.
Stay Cool: An author who returns to his hometown to deliver a commencement address to a class of graduating high school students has to deal with his feelings for an old flame as well as the advances of a student who has the hots for him. Winona Ryder is in the cast. She must be playing the class shoplifter.
The Guard: An unorthodox Irish policeman with a confrontational personality is teamed up with an uptight FBI agent to investigate an international drug-smuggling ring. The same plotline from about two hundred cop/buddy movies that have preceded it.
Creature: In the back country of Louisiana, a group of friends unearth a terrible secret that unleashes a monster from the depths of the swamp. Hey, that's no swamp creature. That's my wife. I resort to that gag because I have nothing else to write here.
Bucky Larson - Born to Be a Star: A kid from the Midwest moves out to Hollywood in order to follow in his parents footsteps -- and become a porn star. And here's three pretty scary words in the ad...writer Adam Sandler.
The Hedgehog: Paloma is a serious, but deeply bored 11-year old, who has decided to kill herself on her twelfth birthday. Ignore her. She's just looking for attention.
My Brother's Bride: A man searches for the perfect Indian bride for his brother. Have you checked the pharmacy department at CVS?
Tanner Hall: Four teen-age girls at a rundown all-girls boarding school in New England. The school is rundown, not the girls. But, of course, if they filmed this at my alma mater of Fordham University...
The Whistleblower: A drama based on the experiences of Kathryn Bolkovac, a Nebraska cop who served as a peacekeeper in post-war Bosnia and outed the U.N. for covering up a sex scandal. I wasn't really interested until you got to the next-to-last word in that sentence.
Restless: The story of a terminally ill teenage girl who falls for a boy who likes to attend funerals and their encounters with the ghost of a Japanese kamikaze pilot from WWII. It's from director Gus Van Sant, so it probably is as goofy as it sounds.
My Afternoons with Margueritte: An illiterate and lonely man bonds with an older and well-read woman. It stars Gerard Depardieu. This means Margueritte gets punched in the mouth at least twice.
Dinner last night: Hawaiian burger at Barney's Beanery.
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