Nope. These would be the ushering staff at the former and legendary Radio City Music Hall. At the ready to show you to your seat. And you can be sure there was something good up on the screen.
That was then. This is now. A time where garbage abounds at your local black box of a cinema. You know the routine, gang. I'll sift through the Los Angeles Times entertainment section and give you my gut reaction on what's soiling the screen in your neighborhood.
The Lion King 3D: I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is Disney's most overrated cartoon work with a story that is about as trite as they come. The circle of life is really square.
50/50: Reviewed earlier this week by yours truly. The movie runs about 100 minutes. Fifty of them work. The fifty that include the absolutely atrocious Seth Rogen do not.
Footloose: Okay, folks, here's a shameless admission. The original is one of my true guilty pleasures. I just watched the Blu-Ray version last weekend. I have no clue why they felt a need to remake it, even with the exact same music. That said, what time does the bargain matinee start?
Dolphin Tale: Flipper with a broken fin. That had to be the one-line pitch meeting that prompted this to get a green light. I am already working up something similar. Lassie with Tourettes.
Dirty Girl: It's 1987 and Danielle, the high school 'Dirty Girl', is running away. With her is chubby, gay Clarke, a bag of flour called Joan and a Walkman full of glorious 80's tunes. And when did you actually think we would look back on that decade fondly?
Drive: From what I hear, you need to put your car in reverse.
Moneyball: You read it here first. This might be the best 2011 movie so far.
The Ides of March: George Clooney writes, directs, and acts. It's all about some corruption in a Presidential campaign. Could be straight out of the front pages of your local newspaper. If only your local newspaper had the guts to print the truth.
Real Steel: Set in the near future, where robot boxing is a top sport, a struggling promoter feels he's found a champion in a discarded robot. During his hopeful rise to the top, he discovers he has an 11-year-old son who wants to know his father. Hugh Jackman stars in what is essentially a big screen version of a "Rock'Em, Sock'em Robots" commercial.
Abduction: A thriller centered on a young man who sets out to uncover the truth about his life after finding his baby photo on a missing persons website. Taylor Lautner stars, so don't expect to see the hero wearing a shirt. Strictly for 17-year-old girls and 28 year-old gay men.
The Thing: I actually have read on-line some idiots wondering how this will compare to the 1982 version. Hello, schmucks! The original came out in the 50s and was light years ahead of the first remake. Another example of how Hollywood can't leave bad enough alone.
The Big Year: Three bird watchers engage in a fierce competition to spot the most specimens. If you think that sounds dreadful, this is a comedy starring Jack Black, Owen Wilson, and Steve Martin. You're probably right.
Father of Invention: After 8 years in prison, inventor Robert Axle struggles to win over his estranged family and catch up on current technology as he works to once again become the king of the infomercial. Kevin Spacey stars and, if you ever got ripped off by one of those Ron Popeil pasta makers, this might be the movie for you.
The Woman: A lawyer captures a feral woman living in the woods and attempts to civilize her. Take it from somebody who's known his share of feral women. It ain't possible. I offer as evidence my four years at Fordham University.
Hell and Back Again: This follows a company of U.S, Marines in Afghanistan and a sergeant attempting to readjust to civilian life. How many times are we going to see this plot? I'm waiting to see a good and clever new movie about the trials and tribulations of somebody who enlisted in the Coast Guard.
Trespass: Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman are part of a family fighting off a home invasion. Well, how bad do you think the thugs have it? To break into a home and find these two boring lummoxes in the house.
The Skin I Live In: That goofy Spanish director Pedro Almodovar tells a story about a plastic surgeon played by the even goofier Antonio Banderas, who looks like he's had some Botox injections himself. It's probably in Spanish, so your in-theater nap will be officially called a siesta.
Back Door Channels: A documentary about the 1979 Camp David mideast peace accords. This is what put the moronic Jimmy Carter on the map as a remarkable statesman. Uh-huh. Meanwhile, that peace lasted about as long as long as Faye Dunaway's sitcom. PS, that show ran six weeks.
Killer Elite: When his mentor is taken captive, a retired member of Britain's Elite Special Air Service is forced into action. His mission: kill three assassins dispatched by their cunning leader. This one's got Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert DeNiro. With its video game-like plot, it hasn't got me.
Dream House: Soon after moving into their seemingly idyllic new home, a family learns of a brutal crime committed against former residents of the dwelling. What did they simply call this "Amityville Horror 5" and be done with it?
The Help: We still haven't sent this mess to the unemployment office???
Contagion: Trust me. It's not catching.
Texas Killing Fields: In the Texas bayous, a local homicide detective teams up with a cop from New York City to investigate a series of unsolved murders. Hmmm. Mismatched police guys forced to team up. Did this work the other 4,561 times Hollywood used this plot???
The Sons of Tennessee Williams: A documentary about gay men in New Orleans. Just in case you thought this was a western like "The Sons of Katie Elder."
The Man Nobody Knew: In Search of My Father, CIA Spymaster William Colby: With that title, this will be The Film Nobody Saw.
Fireflies in the Garden: Ryan Reynolds and Julia Roberts in a family full of dysfunction. So was I. Never got into a movie, though.
Dinner last night: German cold cut sandwich.
1 comment:
They're still making Julia Roberts movies?
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