Here's an ad for the very last Christmas show I saw at Radio City Music Hall, when they did the holidays the right way. A movie and a 45-minute stage show. The Rockettes would fall over like toy soldiers. Sheep and camels would appear live on stage at the birth of Jesus. Simple and beautiful. The ideal holiday treat in a classic movie house.
Now? Well, let's see. We have the Los Angeles Times entertainment section telling us about this year's Yuletide treats from Hollywood. All of them are guaranteed to make us gag. You know the drill, gang. I'll give you my knee jerk reaction to the movie going coal in our Christmas stockings.
Hugo: Been there, done this. Not sure what I made of this movie. It held my interest, but felt very long and the 3-D glasses fatigue always sets in on me after the first hour. Very stylish and pretty to look at, but the story overall reminded me of a film history class I took in college.
The Descendants: More ambivalence from yours truly. An okay movie with a Lifetime-like plot that is elevated by strong acting. A bit overrated in my book.
Shame: If you can't get enough full frontal nudity during the holiday season...
Young Adult: Charlene Theron in a little bit of quirky as only can be offered by the folks who brought you "Juno." Warning sign: the trailer was amusing. Usually that means all the comedy in the film has been frontloaded into the coming attractions.
The Muppets: I'm headed to the El Capitan likely this weekend to take a gander and I'll see what all my friends are raving about.
The Artist: The big Oscar buzz movie of the year. A silent movie that is really a homage to a silent movie. Regardless of how redundant that sounds, I'm seeing this soon.
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy: Sounds like a resume from somebody who keeps changing careers.
Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows: A sequel to the piece of absolute shit they produced two years ago. It had virtually nothing to do with the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle characters. If this movie was playing only on the South Pole, it still wouldn't be far enough away for me.
My Week With Marilyn: If it was just one night, I would say this is about Bobby Kennedy. I hear this is quite dull, but one friend told me it was the best movie he saw in five years. I forgot to ask him if he liked the first Sherlock Holmes as well.
I Melt with You: But, if it stars a M&M candy, it will be in your mouth and not in your hands.
Alvin and the Chipmunks - Chipwrecked: Please call Animal Control Services ASAP.
The Twilight Saga - Breaking Dawn - Part 1: That's an awfully long title for a pretty lousy movie. Primarily for teen age girls using Clearasil or gay guys ingesting Extacy.
Carnage: The screen adaptation of Broadway's hit drama "God of Carnage." Friends I know who saw it on the stage are dreading this production directed by Roman Polanski.
Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol: The real impossible mission will be getting me to see this Tom Cruise sewer back-up. Is this a secret Scientology plot to destroy us all?
Spellbound: I got excited when I saw the ad for this in the paper. A restoration of the Alfred Hitchcock film with Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck? Er, no. This is about a street magician who strikes up a relationship with a woman isolated by her ability to see spirits. I'll stay home and wait for the Hitchcock movie to show up on TCM.
Charlotte Rampling - The Look: A documentary that explores the life and work of actress Charlotte Rampling through her own conversations with artist friends and collaborators. Ideal for those who need to catch up on some sleep after lots of holiday partying.
Corman's World - Exploits of a Hollywood Rebel: A documentary about legendary schlock movie producer Roger Corman. Screw Charlotte Rampling. This is the one I want to see. Don't we all want to see how bad sausage is made?
Cook County: In a small town in East Texas, three generations of crystal meth addicts wreslte with their demons. And to think that all my family used to get strung out on during the holidays was cans of Schaefer Beer.
House of Pleasures: A Parisian brothel at the turn of the century. If only it had been produced by Roger Corman, I'd be on line tonight.
London River: Two strangers come to discover the fate of their respective children in the 2005 terrorist attacks on London. Given the subject matter and the Christmas release, this should be renamed "It's A Really Fucked Up Life."
A Dangerous Method: David Cronenberg's look at how the intense relationship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud gives birth to psychoanalysis. Yikes. Cronenberg is the director who likes to have heads explode on the screen. This could scare off people from psychiatry forever.
Happy Feet Two: Was Happy Feet One about a penguin amputee?
Puss in Boots: Once again, I'd only see something with that title if it had been produced by Roger Corman.
Immortals: The target audience for this junk had flatlined brain waves five years ago.
Arthur Christmas: A dopey cartoon. On Christmas night at the North Pole, Santa's youngest son looks to use his father's high-tech operation for an urgent mission. Uh-huh. To be politically correct, another production company will be releasing "Herman Hanukah."
Tower Heist: I actually enjoyed this slight little caper. A time waster, but sometimes, there's nothing wrong with that. If only they had given Eddie Murphy some funnier lines...
New Year's Eve: Garry Marshall, it's okay. You can stop now. We forgive you.
Jack and Jill: Went up the hill and hopefully stayed up there.
J. Edgar: I was shocked at how bad this Clint Eastwood biopic was. Incoherent, frenetic, and sloppily directed. The aging make-up was awful. People have had better make-overs from the neighborhood Avon representative.
Dinner last night: Italian hero from Jersey Mike's.
1 comment:
I want my money back for "J. Edgar". Major bomb from Clint and Leo. Did no one read the script? Awful mess by Oscar winner Dustin Lance Black whose "Milk" script is way overrated. He's the king of gay biopix, apparently.
The subject is fascinating. Hoover built a crime-fighting empire while denying the existence of the Mafia in America. He survived many Presidents and had dirt on all of them. His personal life revolved around a longtime boyfriend and putting on dresses.
How could you not make a good flick about that? They did. Too bad.
Go if you want to laugh at Armie Hammer's trembling take on being old. LOL.
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