Moron of the Month - December 2011

Oh, there’s no need to let this linger this month. With the holidays approaching, let’s get this out of the way early. Besides, there can be no bigger moron, both figuratively and literally, this month than the becoming-legendary jerk, Alec Baldwin.

Let’s face it, this guy is a shithead on his very best days. Pompous, angry, intolerant, violent, boorish. All of the above words should get you nice points on Words with Friends, which is some game that you’re supposed to stop playing on your phone when the airplane pilot tells you it is time to turn off all your electronic devices.

A rule that I have seen and heard enforced during all my years of travel. From time to time, you’ll see some chucklehead take his damn sweet time to do so. And this person is usually dealt with sternly. Rightfully so. A rule is a rule.

Except for fat ass Alec Baldwin, who adds one more indignant bulletpoint to a laundry list of personal fouls that have him running neck-and-neck with Adolf Hitler as the person least likely to be invited to your Christmas Eve party. You see, Baldwin is above all of us. He can do what he wants. Because, after all, he is Alec Baldwin. Star of stage, screen, and I would imagine lots of buffet tables.

When he refused to power down his word game, likely because he had figured out a nifty word for the letters “c-a-t,” he got angry. Let’s see. Do you want to be on the receiving end of that? His pugilistic past has included several photographers, a few walls, Starbuck baristas, and one or two or three women. Who knows what he has done to his own daughter? Hopefully, his much-publicized violence toward her was restricted to busting a telephone receiver in three pieces.

Supposedly, he got face-to-face with the poor flight attendant for simply doing her job. I’m sure she didn’t really care which Baldwin she was talking to, and, from my vantage point, there were at least four others in the litter his mother laid out on newspapers underneath the kitchen sink.

On his ill-fated flight, Baldwin resorted to his Twitter where he announced that American Airlines is where Catholic school gym teachers from the 50s wind up as flight attendants.  The guy's a load of chuckles, isn't he?  There was a bathroom door that got slammed and the captain had to get involved so Baldwin’s 350-pound carcass could be dropkicked to another flight. I’m surprised American Airlines didn’t simply remove him to the cargo hold where the other animals are kept for their cross country journeys. Maybe there was a first class seat for him on Air Asshole.

Flying as much as I do on American Airlines, I am a big fan of the in-flight service staff. They are all super professional and nice under frequently grueling circumstances. Dealing with the American public is never a picnic. And, from what they have told me, the biggest horror stories are always in first class. Usually with celebrities like Alec Baldwin, who think they are above us all.

P.S. You are not.

This guy remains an enigma to me. Despite one bad public scene after another, he still is sought out for roles, commercials, and, inexplicably, political opinions. There is even talk that he wants to be Mayor of New York City. Hello? If you suddenly want to re-assess the inept administration of former Mayor David Dinkins in a positive light, simply install Alec Baldwin into Grace Mansion and use that for a benchmark. Dinkins suddenly turns into Gandhi.

There is simply not one single attribute that Alec Baldwin brings to our world. The sooner we see the less of him, the better for all mankind. Indeed, the man who thinks his shit doesn’t stink needs to face the inevitable. Not only does his shit have an aroma, it’s actually worse than most people.  If terrorists are looking for a target for their next attack, I'd nominate Baldwin.  Hell, you won't need precise radar detection to successfully find his bloated ass.

I want to ferret out the flight attendant who had the guts to stand up to this piece of garbage. I will buy her a drink on my next trip between coasts. We’ve had a term limit for heroism on that guy who landed his plane in the Hudson River. My new nominee is the American Airlines in-flight team that saw a moron when presented with one…and knew exactly what to do with him.

Dinner last night:  Grilled shrimp at Toloache.