You could beat the heat and get lost in a double feature. If you timed it right, you could have some popcorn for lunch and a hot dog for dinner. And, if you liked one of the movies, no worries. Stay in the theater and see it a second time.
Well, movie theater air conditioning still works, but most films don't. This summer, I have been hardpressed to find any mainstream movie worth seeing. This might be Hollywood's worst summer yet. And this weekend looks to be no better.
You know the drill, gang. I'll sift through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my gut reaction to the crap unspooling at your local multiplex. You got A/C at home? You might want to stay there and pop a classic into your Blu-Ray.
Hope Springs: Just how much does Meryl Streep work these days? It's almost as if she's signed up with Morgan Freeman's agent. Here she is again in yet another "adult" romantic comedy, this time with that laugh riot Tommy Lee Jones. All these movies now look alike. And smell the same, too.
Total Recall: Ah, they've brought back the Arnold movie. No, wait, this is a remake. What?? Hollywood's originality is such that they will eventually start to redo movies that were released just last month.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid - Dog Days: I looked at the ad to see if I had written the screenplay. I did not. But could have.
Ice Age - Continental Drift: How wonderfully chilly as this cartoon sounds on a hot day...er, no. Saw the first one and I can't imagine how they could keep this story going another seven or eight sequels.
Step Up Revolution: Emily arrives in Miami with aspirations to become a professional dancer. She sparks with Sean, the leader of a dance crew whose neighborhood is threatened by Emily's father's development plans. Should be retitled "So You Think You Can Make a Good Movie?"
The Amazing Spider-Man: One of the few Hollywood flicks I've seen this summer. A needless remake of a movie franchise that started just ten years ago. Andrew Garfield certainly can act better than Tobey Maguire. And I could watch Emma Stone read a menu at IHOP. But is that worth 15 bucks? 17 dollars if you have to wear the 3-D glasses?
Ted: A movie whose only redeeming feature is its x-rated language. You would think that would get me into the theater? I can do my own politically incorrect humor at home. And that won't cost me 15 bucks or 17 if I have to wear the 3-D glasses.
Ruby Sparks: A novelist struggling with writer's block finds romance in a most unusual way: by creating a female character he thinks will love him, then willing her into existence. I don't know about the movie, but I already tried the plot in my own life. It doesn't work. It requires heavy doses of mind-altering medication.
Killer Joe: When a debt puts a young man's life in danger, he turns to putting a hit out on his evil mother in order to collect the insurance. Veteran William Friedkin directs. That's a very good sign. Matthew McConaughey stars. That's a very bad sign.
The Bourne Legacy: One more of those incoherent Bourne action films. This time, Jeremy Renner replaces Matt Damon as the lead. As if it makes a difference who's in these films. If you can run with a gun, you're hired.
The Campaign: Will Ferrell, Zach Whatever-The-Hell-His-Name-Is and probably six or seven dozen other reasons not to see this piece of crap.
The Dark Knight Rises: Violent, loud, scary, and dangerous. And then the movie started.
The Watch: Suburban dads who form a neighborhood watch group as a way to get out of their day-to-day family routines find themselves defending the Earth from an alien invasion. Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and George Zimmerman star. Make sure you get your Skittles from the candy counter.
Brave: Is it me or are these Pixar movies getting duller and duller? This is nothing more than Braveheart with some red-headed girl in the Mel Gibson role. After Toy Story, it's been all downhill.
Beasts of the Southern Wild: Faced with her father's fading health and environmental changes that release an army of prehistoric creatures called aurochs, six-year-old Hushpuppy leaves her Delta-community home in search of her mother. Meanwhile, I have an eight-year-old pair of Hush Puppies that are still quite comfortable. That's my way of saying I have nothing to comment on this movie.
Celeste and Jesse Forever: Another romantic comedy, this one with Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg. The lead characters are both under 50, so, sorry, Meryl, not this time.
Savages: Oliver Stone's latest dreck, this time about Mexican drug cartels. So now we know the identity of that dope pusher spotted on the grassy knoll.
Goats: Ellis (Graham Phillips) is the most adult member of his eccentric family at 15 years old. His mom (Vera Farmiga) is a New Age hippie that spends all of her time working on self-help rituals with her hustler boyfriend (Justin Kirk). The Wonder Years on Acid.
Freelancers: Another cop drama starring Forest Whitaker, Robert DeNiro, and 50 Cent, which is probably what the script is worth.
Two Days in New York: And yet one more romantic comedy, this one with director Julie Delpy and Chris Rock. CHRIS ROCK?????
Frank and Chip - The Olympic Experience: Documentary on Frank and Chip Haubold, who became the first married couple to compete in the Olympics together back in 1936. This was obviously prior to their divorce and Chip's ultimate hook-up with Dale.
The Green Wave: A documentary on Iran's Green revolution. And you thought all the torture from that country came with blindfolds??
After The Wizard: A 12-year-old girl turns to the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman for help with a problem. Budget-conscious Hollywood obviously wouldn't spring the bucks for the Cowardly Lion.
Without a Net: Teenagers growing up in a Rio de Janeiro drug-infested slum. And here I thought this was going to be another beach party movie but with Frankie Avalon only.
La Source: A documentary on how Haitian villagers get water. I know the answer. Most of them move to Mount Vernon, New York.
Nuit # 1: A French offering about the one-night-stand of two losers. Sounds like "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg." Without the umbrellas.
Once in a Lullaby - The PS 22 Chorus Story: Yet another new documentary, this one about a fifth-grade chorus that becomes a You Tube sensation and performs on the Academy Awards. I give it three and a half yawns.
Digital Dharma - One Man's Mission to Save a Culture: And yet another new documentary about some guy who preserves ancient Tibetian texts. I give this four yawns.
Farewell, My Queen: All about Marie Antoinette and nothing to lose your head over.
Craigslist Joe: You guessed it! A documentary about some guy addicted to the website. Good seats available on....you guessed it...Craigs List.
The Queen of Versailles: Surprise! A documentary! It follows a billionaire couple as they begin construction on a mansion inspired by Versailles. During the next two years, their empire, fueled by the real estate bubble and cheap money, falters due to the economic crisis. Sounds like a reality TV version of "Green Acres."
Searching for Sugar Man: And one last documentary! Two South Africans set out to discover what happened to their unlikely musical hero, the mysterious 1970s rock 'n' roller, Rodriguez. How do I get into this documentary business anyway???
Dinner last night: Hamburger patty and salad.
1 comment:
Emma Stone is good in "Zombieland" which is a gory laughfest that I've rented twice.
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