Morons of the Month - July 2013

You're probably thinking right now.

"Len, how easy can you get with this month's Moron column?  I mean, you are nominating these two headline whores?"

Well, not all is how it appears.  You will have to be patient.  All will be revealed.

But, of course, I can't let this month pass without talking about the two that adore the top of this entry.

Let's start with Paula Deen.  The Food Network's big star, who graduated from culinary college with a Masters degree in butter.   She's now completely cooked like the pulled pork sandwich she made on last week's show.    Career over.  Please return your rotisserie to the girl at the front desk.

It seems that, thirty years ago, Deen had the audacity to use the "N" word in public.  In a sentence where she used it as a noun not an adjective.  And in a court deposition of all place.

Well, this has resulted in a public tar-and-feathering that would have made John Adams envious.  Dragged through the mud.  Beaten to a pulp.  And, while trying to apologize for her three-decade-old mistake on the Today Show, she is publicly humiliated by Matt Lauer, who has been officially named the "stupidest man on television."

For her transgression, Paula Deen is now figuratively dead.  Murdered at the hands of a hand-wringing lynch mob of an unforgiving media.

A bulletin to all:  Thirty years ago, I might have used the word myself.  I know most of my family probably did.  And, had she lived, all this hysteria might have meant that my grandmother couldn't have hosted her own cooking show.  Oh, well.

Sure, Deen was wrong then and wrong now.  But, the hue and cry of those burning this modern-day Joan of Arc at the stake and hoping there's enough juice to make gravy was thoroughly unwarranted.  Especially in light of her very honest and publicized apology.

Then there's Alec Baldwin.  Hey, there's always some sort of drama following this fat lummox.  He's verbally abused his daughter on voice mail.  He's beaten up two or three dozen photographers.  And, in the biggest offensive to yours truly, he delayed an American Airlines flight to NY when he refused to stop playing "Words with Friends" when the flight attendant asked him to.

The latest drama surrounding this lard ass came two weeks ago.  He and his wife Hilaria (what parent in their right mind names their kid that?) went to James Gandolfini's funeral service and some nosy reporter wrote that she was texting throughout the private ceremony.  As it turns out, the reporter was wrong.  Okay, shit happens.

But that didn't stop Alec from taking to his Twitter account and ripping the reporter a new one.  With a torrent of gay bashing that was vile and reprehensible.  While Baldwin didn't use the "N" word, he certainly wasn't shy about the "F" word.

Alec is a pill and clearly has some serious mental health issues.  At some point, he will hurt somebody and then the media will be full of talking heads wondering why we didn't see the warning signs about this menace who's now due for some jail time serving out his murder sentence.

Of course, those alarm bells have been going off forever.  It's just that our ever-loving media types ignored them.  I'm guessing you might not have even heard about the latest Baldwin fracas.  But, you sure as hell heard all about Paula Deen and her mistake from the Reagan years.  

One more time, it's double standards galore in our society.  And, as both of these stories played out over the past several weeks, I asked the very basic question.  

Why shouldn't Alec Baldwin receive the same treatment for his despicable choice of words as Paula Deen did?

Of course, he won't.

Did his sponsor and meal ticket Capital One ban him from doing any more commercials?

Did Lorne Michaels of Saturday Night Live announce that Baldwin will no longer be invited on the show he's frequented over the years?

Did NBC, former producers of "30 Rock," ask Alec to go on the Today Show and have his underwear publicly pulled down by Matt Lauer?

No, no, and of course not.

After all, Alec Baldwin, despite his many mental issues, is a media darling.  For Pete's sake, they were talking about him running for New York City Mayor!!!   And where was the gay and lesbian community when Baldwin was bashing the shit out of one of their brethren?  Too busy popping champagne corks and signing up for wedding registries at Bed Bath and Beyond.

The hypocrisy of it all really bothered me for a day or so.  And then, like all the other annoyances of life, I finally put it aside.

And then I went to my gym.  And it resurfaced all over again.  When I encountered two denizens of this facility.

Yes, finally, you are going to meet the two Morons for the month of July.

I go to a fitness center that is kind of unique.  It is used only by personal trainers who pay rent to use the gym solely for their clients.  So, it's never really crowded and you tend to see the same folks over and over.

Two such gnomes are these gals who always seem to be there when I am.  One is a Black woman.  She works a lot of the weight machines and all that effort is going to be wasted because none of it seems to be helping an ass that keeps getting larger by the day.  The other is this fossil who tends to ride a bike alongside me.  She's one of your Hollywood types.  Probably 60 and desperately trying to look 50.  Except the bad plastic surgery on her face makes her look 70.  If Freddie Krueger from "Nightmare on Elm Street" had a wife, she would be it.

So, these two slobs like to chat a lot and always within earshot of me.  The body part that gets the biggest workout are their jaw muscles.  Because they both spend most of their gym time watching the flat screen televisions that are always tuned to CNN.  Now, for several weeks, these idiots have been yakking up some secret meeting that Hillary Clinton is having with the fat Hollywood cats this August.  Fund raising to the max so, as the Black woman announced, "we can continue to control the country."  Hmmm.  And I always thought it was about electing the most qualified candidate.

Well, last week, these two dumbbells got tired of talking about Hillary.  They were staring at the closed captions on the TV that were ripping the innards right out of Paula Deen.  And they couldn't help but add their two cents.  Right in front of me.

"They need to take that woman and electrocute her."

"She probably uses that word all the time.  This is the first time she got caught."

"There's lot of racism all over this country.  I know it.  I've suffered it myself."

Guess which gym rodent said the last line.  By the way, I've seen her driving a Mercedes in the parking lot.  That discrimination she's endured is a real killer.

The broad with the bad facial features commented that this was all despicable and that Paula Deen deserves to never work again.  

"It's all true.  Every word of it.  I heard it on the news last night when Jon Stewart said..."

Yes, she referenced Jon Stewart as a working journalist.  Meanwhile, on my bike, I am pedaling even faster.  If only this stationary bicycle could propel me away from these two schmucks.

After ten minutes, I couldn't help myself.  I needed to inject some much-needed logic into the dialogue.  

So, ladies, why do you think about what Alec Baldwin said?

The two dim bulbs looked at me and answered in unison.

"Huh?"

Two minds with a single non-thought.  Neither of them had heard about the Alec Baldwin gay bashing.  Perhaps it didn't make the Nightly News on Comedy Central.

I explained to them both what had happened and likened it to the Paula Deen incident.

"Well, that's different."

How?

"It's just different, that's all."

How?  

"Well, one's racist and one isn't."

How?

"It just is."

How?

"You don't understand."

I might as well have been doing the "Who's on First" routine with Lou Costello.  I realized that I was engaging in a conversation with two complete morons who always only see one side of every argument.  Their own.

I excused myself.  Luckily, my half-hour bike workout was done.  I walked into the other room and asked my personal trainer  yet another question.  This one had nothing to do with either Paula Deen or Alec Baldwin.

"Can we change my time to an hour earlier?"

Dinner last night:  Grilled bratwurst.