You might recognize the name of the director and writer. Paul Haggis did the same chores on "Crash," which was a surprising winner of the Best Picture Oscar several years back. I actually enjoyed that film, which was a collection of seemingly unrelated stories about LA that snapped conveniently together like a jigsaw puzzle at the end. I remember sitting in the theater and saying repeatedly, "Ah, I get it."
I wasn't so lucky with his latest movie. If the first one was called "Crash," "Third Person" should really have been entitled "Wreck." Instead of me sitting in the theater and saying repeatedly, "Ah, I get it," I kept shaking my head from side to side and saying "you've got to be kidding."
Never have I let a theater more confused about what I just saw. Near as I can figure, there are three supposedly unrelated stories about busted relationships. I had a feeling that, given Haggis' past work, these would tie together eventually. Some did. Some didn't. Or did they?
Near as I can figure, the three stories were set in New York, Paris, and Rome. Okay, but how come one of the characters in the New York story suddenly appears briefly in a Paris hotel? And one of the Rome characters seemingly does a walk by in Paris? Were my eyes playing tricks? Was this a part of the nap I enjoyed between the fourth and fifth reel? Whatever. The only thing I really started to appreciate was that I had seen "Third Person" at a bargain matinee price.
Near as I can figure, one of the stories involved Liam Neeson as a down-on-his-luck writer who is having a Paris fling with girlfriend Olivia Wilde while still mourning the pool death of his son. By the way, can we really stop having Neeson always mourning the passing of a loved one in movies? I mean, with the untimely death of his wife Natasha Richardson some years back, it's a little creepy that he continually plays this out on the big screen.
But, I digress....
Near as I can figure, the second story is in New York (maybe) with Mila Kunis and James Franco fighting for custody of their young son because she supposedly tried to kill the kid. I think. This tale involves lots of histrionics for the actors who are either trying to get Oscar nominations or pass kidney stones. One scene with Kunis is so overwrought that you'd think she just found out boyfriend Ashton Kutcher just signed up for three more seasons of "Two and A Half Men."
The third story involves a con artist in Rome (maybe) who steals designs for clothing. I think. The crook is played by Adrien Brody and, oh, by the way, I'd love to see his nose in a contest against Danny Thomas. Brody falls in love with a hooker. I think. He, too, is mourning the loss of a child. I think. You can never be too sure with this movie.
Towards the end, characters in each of the disjointed yarns start to morph away as if this film is suddenly being crafted by magician David Blaine. There is some connective tissue between the stories and the characters, but it all seems forced and gratuitous. And you don't care at all.
Indeed, "Third Person" gives us a two-hour-plus visit with a lot of broken people. That's apropos since the movie itself is broken. If only the projector had followed the same course. This is an exercise in complete confusion and, if you truly want to be this addled, you might as well just turn on C-Span for an afternoon.
In a forced effort to find something positive to say here, I will tell you that Haggis' real-life wife is the same actress who used to play Larry Hagman's secretary Sly on the old "Dallas" series. I always liked her on that. And I liked her husband's work on "Crash."
That's as upbeat as I can be in this review of "Third Person."
Near as I can figure.
LEN'S RATING: One star.
Dinner last night: Brought a sandwich for my flight back to LA.
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