437: EMPEROR VALENTINIAN III BEGINS HIS REIGN OVER THE WESTERN ROMAN EMPIRE.
Who's running the Eastern Roman Empire?
626: LI SHIMIN, THE FUTURE EMPEROR TAIZONG OF TANG, AMBUSHES AND KILLS HIS RIVAL BROTHER LI YUANJI AND LI JIANCHENG IN THE XUANWU GATE INCIDENT.
Hey, that sentence is one helluva of a typing test.
963: THE IMPERIAL ARMY PROCLAIMS NICEPHORUS PHOCAS EMPEROR OF THE ROMANS ON THE PLAINS OUTSIDE CAPPADOCIAN CAESAREA.
Typing test, following semester.
1555: THE OTTOMAN ADMIRAL TURGUT REIS SACKS THE ITALIAN CITY OF PAOLA.
Paola? Didn't that impact the record industry?
1561: MENAS, EMPEROR OF ETHIOPIA, DEFEATS A REVOLT IN EMFRAZ.
No joke to type. Fingers need a rest after the last couple of dates.
1582: DURING THE BATTLE OF YAMAZAKI, TOYOTOMI HIDEYOSHI DEFEATS AKECHI MITSUHIDE.
Toyotomi Cares.
1679: EUROPEANS FIRST VISIT MINNESOTA AND SEE HEADWATERS OF MISSISSIPPI IN AN EXPEDITION.
But did they stop at the Mall of America?
1698: THOMAS SAVERY PATENTS THE FIRST STEAM ENGINE.
Choo choo.
1776: THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS ADOPTS A RESOLUTION SEVERING TIES WITH THE KINGDOM OF BRITAIN ALTHOUGH THE THE OFFICIAL WORDING OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE IS NOT APPROVED UNTIL JULY 4.
Well, there's always a first draft.
1777: VERMONT BECOMES THE FIRST AMERICAN TERRITORY TO ABOLISH SLAVERY.
For all those slaves tapping trees to make maple syrup.
1822: 35 BLACK SLAVES ARE HANGED IN SOUTH CAROLINA.
They should have moved to Vermont when they had the chance.
1839: TWENTY MILES OFF THE COAST OF CUBA, 53 REBELLING AFRICAN SLAVES TAKE OVER THE SLAVE SHIP AMISTAD.
They should have also taken over the production of Amistad, that awful Steven Spielberg movie.
1881: CHARLES J. GUITEAU SHOOTS AND FATALY WOUNDS US PRESIDENT JAMES GARFIELD, WHO EVENTUALLY DIES FROM AN INFECTION ON SEPTEMBER 19.
Do you remember where you were when Garfield was shot?
1897: ITALIAN SCIENTIST GUGLIELMO MARCONI OBTAINS A PATENT FOR RADIO IN LONDON.
It will never last.
1900: THE FIRST ZEPPELIN FLIGHT TAKES PLACE IN GERMANY.
Where else?
1932: WENDY'S FOUNDER DAVE THOMAS IS BORN.
Here's the beef.
1937: AMELIA EARHART AND NAVIGATOR FRED NOONAN ARE LAST HEARD FROM OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN WHILE ATTEMPTING TO MAKE THE FIRST EQUATORIAL ROUND-THE-WORLD FLIGHT.
And they'll find her sooner than they will find that damn Malaysian plane.
1937: ACTRESS POLLY HOLLIDAY IS BORN.
Kiss her grits.
1947: LUCI BAINES JOHNSON IS BORN.
She's the one who dated George Hamilton, right? But, then again, who didn't?
1962: THE FIRST WAL-MART OPENS FOR BUSINESS IN ARKANSAS.
Again...where else?
1964: US PRESIDENT LYNDON B. JOHNSON SIGNS THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT OF 1964.
A nice way to spend your daughter's birthday.
1973: ACTRESS BETTY GRABLE DIES.
But the legs? What about the legs???
1986: ACTRESS LINDSAY LOHAN IS BORN.
And was immediately arrested.
1991: ACTRESS LEE REMICK DIES.
Days of Wine and Corpses.
1993: ACTOR FRED GWYNNE DIES.
Hearse 54, Where Are You?
1997: ACTOR JAMES STEWART DIES.
Mr. Hobbs Takes a Very Long Vacation.
1999: AUTHOR MARIO PUZO DIES.
The author of the infamous Page 27 of the Godfather.
2002: STEVE FOSSETT BECOMES THE FIRST PERSON TO FLY SOLO AROUND THE WORLD NONSTOP IN A BALLOON.
So Amelia Earhart should have taken a balloon instead?
2006: COMEDIAN JAN MURRAY DIES.
X gets the casket.
2007: OPERA SINGER BEVERLY SILLS DIES.
Her last solo.
Dinner last night: Bratwurst sandwich at the Dodger game.
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