Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Here's how stupid the people at the Syfy Network think you are.  Apparently they don't think you get the fact that this latest Sharknado mess is a sequel.  Not only do they stick the number "2" in the title, but they also remind you that it's the "second one."

Gee, thanks.  I guess we are that dumb.

Last year, when "Sharknado 1: The First One" aired, I was prompted by a friend to watch it only because he wanted me to blog about it.  Well, heck, I decided to beat him to the punch this year.  I might as well attack again.  And, believe me, there is plenty to pounce on.  Ground beef in a yard full of pit bulls.

Here we go, gang.   My review of "Sharknado 2."   The second one.  Review, that is.

Look at the ad above.  I love the marketing logo for the Syfy Network.  "Imagine greater."   Ha.  For me to watch this sequel, I had to imagine again just which channel number the network is on my Direct TV.  Like those stations with Korean game shows and Mexican soap operas, Syfy is one of those channels that I have no need for.  When television goes to an a la carte system of network selection for its subscribers, Syfy will be one of the first for me to dump.  These two fish movies are the only things I have ever watched on there.  I mean, do I look like I regularly go to Comic-Con?

So, once I figured out where the network was, I settled in to be the nasty blog writer all over again.  And, boy, does this movie make it easy?  Beyond the complete ridiculousness of the plot, you get the sense that the producers were trying to be campy and clever.  Or so they thought they were.  Because, in their efforts to be even bigger, bolder, and more inane than the first Sharknado, they failed miserably. 

As we open up the sequel, the hero of the first movie is on a plane, having becoming a celebrity because he was once swallowed by a shark and then chain sawed his way out..  By the way, if you're a chain saw manufacturer and you didn't get any product placement in this edition, you should fire your marketing director ASAP. 

But I digress....

Our star, Ian Ziering (and those last three words really don't go together) is flying on a jet liner through a storm.  He looks out the window and sees a shark on the wing.  Paging Rod Serling and William Shatner from whom this scenario was brazenly ripped off.  Well, you're only five minutes in to know that sharks can now exist at 25,000 feet.  They also can crash through the roof of a plane and, even worse, damage a beverage cart.  Left and right, folks are sucked out of the plane and I was praying that these were all cameos played by actual Syfy Network employees.  This is a twenty minute set piece which essentially could be retitled "Sharks on a Plane."  I kept waiting for Samuel L. Jackson to show up because, after all, he will do any movie for about a dollar and a half.

We get the first glimpse of the producers' "wink wink" gags when he find out that Robert Hays of "Airplane" fame is flying the plane and wondering whether the passengers had chicken or fish.  What?  No room for a "Shirley" joke.  Meanwhile, in the back of the plane, Ziering's girlfriend pulls out a gun (so much for the TSA agents on duty in this movie) and both her hand and the gun are bitten off by a shark.   Have no worries.  Both the hand and the gun will be amazingly back by the last reel when they are pulled out of a dead shark.

We learn that all this nonsense is headed straight for New York where a whole bunch of the characters are supposedly gathering for a family reunion.  One bunch heads off on the Staten Island Ferry.  Another heads to Citi Field for a Met game.  One idiot worries about being able to get a ticket.  Hello?  Have you seen Met attendance figures lately? 

Ziering sees the impending doom and must warn and save everybody.  I mean, after all, he's dying to be in another Sharknado which will maintain his SAG dues for another year.   He runs all over the city battling sharks and raiding hardware stores for chain saws.

Meanwhile, this film was filmed totally in New York and all the locations look marvelous.   If only the scenery had been used in a better movie.  The film is supposed to take place in July but it's obvious they shot in the dead of winter.  Hmmm, how do we solve this?  Why?  Let's get Al Roker, who conveniently works for the same NBC conglomerate that owns Syfy, to do a weather report explaining that there's an unusual cold front and snow storm headed in from Canada.  How freakin' clever.   So now, when we see those scenes shot at Citi Field, we can easily explain away the cold breath coming out of the actors' mouths.

The set piece at Citi Field is as laughable as can be.   It's supposedly a well-attended game...yes, Met fans...but none of the concession stands are open.  And we meet a former Met played from the 80s played by...wait for it...Richard Kind.   They show footage of him striking out at Shea Stadium and he reminisces about that happening right down there....pointing to the field.  But, wait, aren't we in Citi Field?  Talk about non-attention to the detail.  Over and over and over again, there are ridiculous inconsistencies in this movie.  There's snow on the ground in one shot.  There's no snow five feet away in the next.   And, for all those familiar with the 7 Subway Train from Flushing to Times Square, you'll know that it doesn't stop at 96th Street.  Amazingly, it does in this movie.

But, wait, there's more.

We meet Judd Hirsch.  He's a taxi driver.  Wink wink wink.  There's a guy eating a Subway sandwich.  Oh, look, it's that Jason guy.  Wink wink wink.  One character walks across the backs of some sharks as he jumps across a stream.   Hey, he tells us, "I jumped the shark."  Wink wink wink WINK!  Robert Klein is the New York City mayor and a shark attacked producer Gelman right in the middle of the Kelly Ripa/Michael Strahan morning show.  You know that scene got some replays in the Regis and Joy Philbin media room.

All throughout the swill, we get regular updates from those two Today Show morons, Matt Lauer and Al Roker, about the sharks falling from the sky at...get this...a rate of more two inches per hour.  Any credibility these two assholes ever had is gone.  Oh, who am I kidding?  These clowns are journalists as much as I'm a nuclear physicist.  But they work at NBC so they were ideal cameos as were a couple of Weather Channel personalities.  Syfy falls over itself over and over in its utter non-cleverness.  If they really wanted to hawk the NBC brand, I would have loved to see a scene where MSNBC host Al Sharpton is swallowed whole and then spit out by a disapproving shark.

Of course, the commercial breaks are long and plentiful, which means the actual show content in the two-hour time slot is about 47 minutes.  We are treated to lots of Twitter responses by "adoring fans" who probably are all dumbbells who work in the marketing department at Syfy. 

The ending of the film is ludicrous but welcome.  Ziering saves the day and I'm wondering where the brain dead employed at Syfy will set the next one.  I mean, they've already tormented New York and, given everything the city went through on 9/11 and during the recent hurricane, the producers did that shamelessly.  Maybe "Sharknado 3" can feature an attack on Washington DC.  Or Gaza City.  Or Nancy Pelosi's backyard.  The sharks could break their teeth when they try to chew on the plastic in her face.  The possibilities are endless.

The only thing that has a limit is the creativity.  PS, there's none.  But, what the hell do I know?  This piece of crap got big ratings.  The Syfy folks may be stupid, but not as dumb as the people they are programming for.

Of course, it gives me blog content so I'm just as guilty.   So, yes, I'll be there for the next one.

"Sharknado 3: The Third One."

Dinner last night:  Leftover Chinese food.