3114 BC: THE MESOAMERICAN LONG COUNT CALENDAR, USED BY THE MAYANS, BEGINS.
That's a long, long, long time ago.
523: JOHN I BECOMES THE NEW POPE AFTER THE DEATH OF POPE HORMISDAS.
Pope Horm, for short.
554: EMPEROR JUSTINIAN I REWARDS LIBERIUS FOR HIS LONG AND DISTINGUISHED SERVICE IN THE PRAGMATIC SANCTION, GRANTING HIM EXTENSIVE ESTATES IN ITALY.
So we'll be seeing him flip those estates on HGTV?
582: MAURICE BECOMES EMPEROR OF THE EASTERN ROMAN EMPIRE.
Maurice? Is that the guy in the Pompatus of Love?
1099: POPE PASCHAL II SUCCEEDS POPE URBAN II AS THE 160TH POPE.
Urban was the first Pope named after a radio format.
1532: THE DUCHY OF BRITTANY IS ABSORBED INTO THE KINGDOM OF FRANCE.
France is apparently super absorbent.
1624: THE FRENCH KING LOUIS XIII APPOINTS CARDINAL RICHILIEU AS PRIME MINISTER.
I guess Cardinal Stan Musial wasn't available.
1792: THE CONVENTION OF LONDON, A TREATY BETWEEN THE UNITED KINGDOM AND THE UNITED PROVINCES, IS SIGNED IN LONDON.
Where else would you sign the Convention of London?
1831: NAT TURNER SEES A SOLAR ECLIPSE, WHICH HE BELIEVES IS A SIGN FROM GOD. EIGHT DAYS LATER, HE AND 70 OTHER SLAVES KILL 55 WHITES IN VIRGINIA.
I don't see God said exactly that.
1860: TARGET SHOOTER ANNIE OAKLEY IS BORN.
Because Father Oakley was an even sharper shooter.
1895: ACTOR BERT LAHR IS BORN.
I am the King of the Forest.
1899: DIRECTOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK IS BORN.
Good evening.
1906: THE ALL BLACK INFANTRYMEN OF THE US ARMY'S 25TH INFANTRY REGIMENT ARE ACCUSED OF KILLING A WHITE BARTENDER.
Another sign from God?
1918: WOMEN ENLIST IN THE US MARINE CORPS FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Shazam, Sarge. I just saw me a lady in the shower.
1918: BMW IS ESTABLISHED AS A PUBLIC COMPANY IN GERMANY.
Beemer.
1926: CUBAN LEADER FIDEL CASTRO IS BORN.
It would be cliché if they handed out cigars.
1929: ACTOR PAT HARRINGTON JR. IS BORN.
I introduced myself to him once at a Fordham Alumni party but it was only to see if he had Valerie Bertinelli's number.
1930: MUSICIAN DON HO IS BORN.
Tiny bubbles.
1942: WALT DISNEY'S "BAMBI" PREMIERES.
Watch out for forest fires.
1946: AUTHOR HG WELLS DIES.
Now he's really invisible.
1961: EAST GERMANY CLOSES THE BORDER BETWEEN THE EASTERN AND WESTERN SECTORS OF BERLIN.
This is the wall that Gorbachev later tore down.
1964: PETER ALLEN AND GWYNNE EVANS ARE HANGED FOR THE MURDER OF JOHN ALAN WEST BECOMING THE LAST PEOPLE EXECUTED IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.
Not the Peter Allen who was "married" to Liza Minnelli.
1969: THE APOLLO 11 ASTRONAUTS ARE RELEASED FROM A THREE-WEEK QUARANTINE TO ENJOY A TICKER TAPE PARADE IN NEW YORK.
Hello? Three weeks in quarantine? Do you know the germs you can find on today's regular jetliner?
1995: BASEBALL STAR MICKEY MANTLE DIES.
So, I assume the 60 day disabled list?
2004: HURRICANE CHARLEY STRIKES FLORIDA.
As if hurricanes are a new invention.
2004: CHEF JULIA CHILD DIES.
Béchamel that.
2007: BASEBALL STAR PHIL RIZZUTO DIES.
Holy Cow.
2010: AUTHOR EDWIN NEWMAN DIES.
Or kicks the bucket. Relatively speaking.
2012: AUTHOR HELEN GURLEY BROWN DIES.
Magazine subscription expired.
Dinner last night: Chinese chicken salad.
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