48 BC: JULIUS CAESAR DEFEATS POMPEY AT PHARSALUS AND POMPEY FLEES TO EGYPT.
Caesar's always enjoying himself unless, of course, it's March.
1173: CONSTRUCTION OF THE CATHEDRAL OF PISA BEGINS. IT IS NOW KNOWN AS THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA.
Who the hell were the workmen on this project? Moe, Larry, and Curly?
1500: OTTOMAN-VENETIAN WAR CONTINUES IN MESSENIA.
So, it's footstools versus window blinds?
1810: NAPOLEON ANNEXES WESTPHALIA AS PART OF THE FIRST FRENCH EMPIRE.
Any word on Eastphalia?
1842: THE WEBSTER-ASHBURTON TREATY IS SIGNED, ESTABLISHING THE US-CANADA BORDER EAST OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
No wall needed.
1854: HENRY DAVID THOREAU PUBLISHES WALDEN.
A high school requirement.
1877: A SMALL BAND OF NEZ PERCE INDIANS CLASH WITH THE US ARMY.
How soon before they are running their own casino?
1892: THOMAS EDISON RECEIVES A PATENT FOR A TWO-WAY TELEGRAPH.
Dot---dot---dash---dash---dot.
1896: GLIDER PIONEER OTTO LILIENTHAL HAS A FATAL CRASH.
Paper planes kill.
1899: AUTHOR P.L. TRAVERS IS BORN.
The author of "Mary Poppins."
1902: EDWARD VII AND ALEXANDRA OF DENMARK ARE CROWNED KING AND QUEEN OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND.
How the hell did Alexandra manage this? Greedy little skank.
1927: ACTOR ROBERT SHAW IS BORN.
We're going to need a bigger cradle.
1930: BETTY BOOP MAKES HER CARTOON DEBUT.
Boop, boop a doop.
1936: SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES - JESSE OWENS WINS HIS FOURTH GOLD MEDAL OF THE GAME.
You'd run fast too if you were in Nazi Germany.
1942: BASEBALL STAR TOMMIE AGEE IS BORN.
Shamsky with Agee...he dives...and makes the catch.
1942: INDIAN LEADER MAHATMA GANDHI IS ARRESTED IN BOMBAY BY BRITISH FORCES.
Gee, this might make a boring movie some day.
1944: THE US FOREST SERVICE RELEASES POSTERS FEATURING SMOKEY THE BEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Only you...
1945: WORLD WAR II - NAGASAKI IS DEVASTATED WHEN US PLANES DROP AN ATOMIC BOMB ON THE CITY.
Somebody's gonna have to clean that up.
1963: SINGER WHITNEY HOUSTON IS BORN.
Wonder when nurses gave her the first bath.
1963: PATRICK BOUVIER KENNEDY DIES.
The Kennedy child nobody remembers...because he died.
1969: CHARLES MANSON AND HIS FAMILY KILL PREGNANT ACTRESS SHARON TATE AND OTHERS AT HER HOME.
I actually know somebody who remembers hearing the screams that night.
1974: RICHARD NIXON BECOMES THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE US TO RESIGN FROM OFFICE. VP GERALD FORD BECOMES PRESIDENT.
I told you this was a big day in history.
1979: DODGER OWNER WALTER O'MALLEY DIES.
And Brooklyn dances.
1985: ACTRESS ANNA KENDRICK IS BORN.
I still think she's cute.
1995: MUSICIAN JERRY GARCIA DIES.
Grateful. Dead.
1999: RUSSIAN PRESIDENT BORIS YELTSIN FIRES HIS ENTIRE CABINET.
Kind of Trump-like.
2008: COMIC BERNIE MAC DIES.
Hold the fries.
2014: ACTOR ED NELSON DIES.
Dr. Michael Rossi of TV's "Peyton Place."
2014: MICHAEL BROWN, AN 18-YEAR-OLD BLACK MALE, IS SHOT AND KILLED BY A FERGUSON, MISSOURI POLICE OFFICER AFTER ALLEGEDLY ASSAULTING THE OFFICER.
There goes the neighborhood. In flames.
2015: FOOTBALL STAR FRANK GIFFORD DIES.
Years ago, Johnny Carson caught him in bed with his wife. Hi ho.
Dinner last night: Pepperoni pizza.
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