Unless, of course, you're in an office pool and you can make some money off this lunacy. I used to be in a pool with two good friends every year and they finally gave up. Probably because I always won.
So, while I won't be making any dough this year, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Here's the first part of your winning Oscar ballot. Today, it's all the awards that nobody cares about. But they do count in your final total.
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT: Here's where the diversity police start checking boxes. Sort of like when the police routinely stop cars looking for expired registrations. There's one short here about senior citizen lesbians. Box checked. The winner is MARGUERITE.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: There's one here about racism in the 90s just so we all remember that Trump didn't invent the concept. And look at what word is included in the title. The winner is BLACK SHEEP.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT: Let's not forget about the Asian population. They must be served and I don't mean pork fried rice. Plus this is a Pixar production. The winner is BAO.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: I have seen none of them, but people I trust loved one of them and said it was stunning. The winner is SPIDER-MAN: IN THE SPIDER-VERSE. Whatever that is.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Here's where I am a little stuck. You know the goofballs out here want to honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg and are praying nightly that she doesn't die. But rock climbing is in for all those millennial idiots in film development. Hmmm. I'm saying FREE SOLO is the winner. We can't click a box every time, can we?
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Note the word "language" is there. So how come "Black Panther" didn't qualify because I didn't understand a word they were saying. But I digress. History will be made this year. Because one movie will win two best film awards. Spoiler alert. The winner is, for some reason I don't understand, ROMA.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: The geeks in the Academy do like to honor a popcorn movie at some point. And since there's no Star Wars adventure this year, the winner is AVENGERS - INFINITY WAR.
BEST SOUND MIXING: Because they really sound like Queen. Even though I don't know what a sound mixer does. The winner is BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.
BEST SOUND EDITING: Yeah, I don't know what the difference is between these two awards either. Let's throw a bone to the late Neil Armstrong. The winner is FIRST MAN.
BEST SONG: You know they want to see what Lady GagGag is wearing Sunday night. The winner is that crap from "A Star Is Born"...SHALLOW.
BEST FILM SCORE: I do remember the music was pretty lush. Or maybe I had an inner ear infection when I watched the screener. The winner is IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK.
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN: The favorite is THE FAVOURITE. Sorry, I couldn't resist, even if this is the worst movie I have seen in ten years.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: See Production Design. The winner is THE FAVOURITE.
BEST MAKE-UP AND HAIR STYLING: If you can make Christian Bale look like a bloated Dick Cheney, you deserve an Oscar. The winner is VICE.
BEST FILM EDITING: I'm thinking the Academy can't go home without awarding two Oscars to a super-liberal political movie. The winner again is VICE.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Always go with the black and white, even though its use here was silly and pretentious. The winner is ROMA.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: If you want to say using the "C word" repeatedly is original. The winner is...regrettably...THE FAVOURITE.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: You know these dummies out here want to do this. Here's where the universe goes off its axis just a little. Spike Lee gets an Oscar. Ugh!!! The winner is BLACKKKLANSMAN.
Come on back tomorrow to see what junk will be honored in the big categories.
Dinner last night: Bacon ranch chopped salad.
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