Your Annual Black Friday Shopping Guide

Courtesy of yours truly.  There's absolutely no need to deal with the crazy crowds clogging up the malls and their adjacent parking lots.  In fact, if you are a friend of mine, you would have enough sense than to be out there in that mess populated by the great unwashed public.  

Here's my annual gift to you.   I've picked out some of the goofiest gifts available.  Trust me.   If you give your friend one of these beauties, you'll never have to buy that person a holiday gift ever again.   Because...you will no longer be friends.   It's always good to thin the herd periodically.

 Okay, how freakin' lazy are you if you think this is a useful gift?

If you could put bacon on any skin lacerations, I might be cutting myself on a daily basis.

A nifty pill dispenser.  Because everybody knows at least one person addicted to prescription pain killers.

 Ideal for that farmer-friend whose chickens are overworked.

 Isn't this a little bit too much work to open a jar?

For the friend who loves beef jerky.  And the ability to dry the shit out of any piece of food.

 Does your cat need to put in a quarter to get fed?

 Food warmers that you stick to your feet.   Well, you could also buy shoes.

Because womens' nails don't dry fast enough.  Stick your hands in here.  Healing ointment not included.

Don't lose your reading glasses.  Keep them on these gnomes.   And then, of course, remember where you put the damn gnomes.

 No matter how big the print is, you're still overdrawn.

For the family that is too stupid to recognize common household appliances, let convenient signs help you.

Dinner last night:  The classic Thanksgiving Day dinner - Roast turkey breast, stuffing, green bean casserole, small red roasted potatoes, glazed carrots, and Nutella pie.