284: DIOCLETIAN IS CHOSEN AS ROMAN EMPEROR.
Diocletian sounds like something you would take for allergies.
1194: PALERMO IS CONQUERED BY EMPEROR HENRY VI.
Hey, if you want to conquer some place, Palermo is really nice.
1407: A TRUCE BETWEEN JOHN THE FEARLESS, DUKE OF BURGUNDY AND LOUIS OF VALOIS, DUKE OF ORLEANS IS AGREED UNDER THE AUSPICES OF JOHN, DUKE OF BERRY.
The Duke of Earl was busy?
1518: SOLDIER MARMADUKE CONSTABLE DIES.
Do I actually need to type the obvious joke here?
1739: START OF THE BATTLE OF PORTO BELLO BETWEEN BRITISH AND SPANISH FORCES DURING THE WAR OF JENKINS' EAR.
Why fight over somebody's ear? Especially in a town famous for mushrooms.
1789: NEW JERSEY BECOMES THE FIRST US STATE TO RATIFY THE BILL OF RIGHTS.
As if they're smarter than anybody else.
1820: AN 80 TON SPERM WHALE ATTACKS THE ESSEX. THIS INSPIRES THE WRITING OF "MOBY DICK."
You're gonna need a bigger book.
1861: DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, SECESSION ORDINANCE IS FILED BY KENTUCKY.
Well, then fine. Go. We'll hold the Derby elsewhere.
1900: CARTOONIST CHESTER GOULD IS BORN.
Calling Dick Tracy.
1907: ACTRESS FRAN ALLISON IS BORN.
Paging Kukla and Ollie.
1913: COMIC JUDY CANOVA IS BORN.
She was Minnie Pearl before Minnie Pearl was Minnie Pearl.
1917: UKRAINE IS DECLARED A REPUBLIC.
You care? Anybody?
1921: LAWYER JIM GARRISON IS BORN.
Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Two days and forty two years later, this guy's career got a big boost.
1923: RENTENMARK REPLACES THE PAPIERMARK AS THE OFFICIAL CURRENCY OF GERMANY.
And the official grocery store would be Pathmark.
1925: ACTRESS KAYE BALLARD IS BORN.
Nice lady. I was on her Christmas card list for two years. I peed in her guest bathroom while staring at a Red Skelton original painting that was hung over the toilet.
1925: ROBERT F. KENNEDY IS BORN.
Gee, his 38th birthday weekend really sucked.
1932: GAME SHOW HOST RICHARD DAWSON IS BORN.
Survey says!!!!!
1942: VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN IS BORN.
Yes, Dan Quayle was a dummy. But this guy just might be the most stupid Vice President ever. Google his mistakes. Your computer will crash.
1945: BASEBALL STAR/ANNOUNCER RICK MONDAY IS BORN.
And don't ever try to burn an American flag in front of him.
1945: AT NUREMBERG, TRIALS AGAINST 24 NAZI WAR CRIMINALS BEGIN.
I smell a movie.
1947: THE PRINCESS ELIZABETH MARRIES LIEUTENANT PHILIP MOUNTBATTEN, WHO BECOMES THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH IN LONDON.
The crown's in the mail.
1962: THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS OFFICIALLY ENDS WHEN PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY ENDS THE QUARANTINE OF CUBA.
I thought it was 13 days in October. At least, that was the title of the movie.
1969: THE CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER PUBLISHES EXPLICIT PHOTOGRAPHS OF DEAD VILLAGES FROM THE MY LAI MASSACRE IN VIETNAM.
That's not My Lai, it's yours.
1973: COMIC ALLAN SHERMAN DIES.
Hello Rigor. Hello Mortis.
1977: EGYPTIAN PRESIDENT ANWAR SADAT BECOMES THE FIRST ARAB LEADER TO OFFICIALLY VISIT ISRAEL WHEN HE MEETS MENACHEM BEGIN TO DISCUSS A PEACE SETTLEMENT.
How many times have I typed a sentence like this over the years? And still no peace.
1985: MICROSOFT WINDOWS 1.0 IS RELEASED.
Well, there had to be a first version at some point.
1992: IN ENGLAND, A FIRE BREAKS OUT IN WINDSOR CASTLE, BADLY DAMAGING THE CASTLE.
What's London's version of State Farm?
1998: A COURT IN AFGHANISTAN DECLARES ACCUSED TERRORIST OSAMA BIN LADEN A "MAN WITHOUT SIN" IN REGARD TO THE 1998 US EMBASSY BOMBINGS IN KENYA AND TANZANIA.
That's a good lawyer for you.
2001: IN WASHINGTON DC, US PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH DEDICATES THE US DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE HEADQUARTERS AS THE ROBERT F. KENNEDY BUILDING.
Aw, how nice. And on his birthday.
2006: DIRECTOR ROBERT ALTMAN DIES.
D*E*A*D*.
2008: AFTER THE US FINANCIAL SYSTEM COLLAPSE, THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE REACHES ITS LOWEST LEVEL SINCE 1997.
When everybody's 401 K became a 201 J.
2010: BASEBALL PLAYER DANNY MCDEVITT DIES.
He pitched and won the last game ever to played in Brooklyn's Ebbets Field.
Dinner last night: Caesar salad.
No comments:
Post a Comment