Saul and Heshe Talk Opening Day

Welcome back our two favorite Hollywood Jews, Saul and Heshe, as they have a nosh at Canter's Delicatessen on Fairfax. Today is the Dodgers home opener and they certainly have a lot to say about that and baseball in general.

"What? No tickets today? No trip out to Chavez Rabin?"

"You mean "ravine?"

"Whatever floats your matzo ball. You not going out to see?"

"Feh. All the traffic. Larry King running around, yap yap yapping. And the mishagas in the air with the flyovers. What is this? Jimmy Stewart in Strategic Air Command."

"I'm with you. I'll watch at home on the 42 inch with Vin Scully."

"We're better off. And the Dodger Dogs? Not Kosher."

"It's not like the old days. I used to go to Opening Day every year."

"Me, too. Two rows behind Sinatra, one row over from Danny Kaye."

"That was baseball. Woo hoo. If you were lucky, you got to see Sandila pitch."

"I was at two of his no-hitters. One with, you'll pardon the expression, my first wife. Also a shutout, if you know what I mean.

"Bitch."

"Bitch."

"That Koufax. He knew what he was doing. And he never pitched on the high holidays. Even if it was the World Series."

"He could do that because we also had Dandy Don Drysdale. A goyim who could pitch every day but Good Friday."

"I remember when he was on Donna Reed's show. Teaching that Paul Petersen how to throw a curveball.

"I wish I could have done the same with Shelley Fabares. Now that was a pair of stems. Whoo boy, oh, boy."

"Back then, the Dodgers knew how to get the most out of our business. Remember when they had Mister Ed out there running the bases."

"Vey iz mir. They thought he left a big pile in the outfield. Turns out it was Leo Durocher."

"And remember Maury Wills? That schwatz ran like he had a TV under each arm."

"And he was shtupping Doris Day at the same time."

"Oh, yeah. A little cream in the coffee."

"She wasn't getting it any place else. What? From Rock Hudson? A little light in the loafers."

"Fagila."

"Yeah, fagila."

"These players today, they don't know how good they got it."

"Millions and millions and millions of dollars. And they still take all those funny drugs."

"So did Peter Lawford, but he couldn't hit for shit."

"What was up with last year? Manny taking female fertility pills? Like that octo-mom?

"Like we need eight more of him running around with the schwatz hair braids??

"And I think he gets those extensions from Diahann Carroll's wig company. Just a rumor. Hush hush."

"Joe Torre's doing a good job, though."

"There's a face only a mother could love. I look at him and I see Ernest Borgnine working behind the butcher counter in Marty."

"They shouldn't wait for the shivah to cover the mirrors in his house."

"I bet Joe still has a soft spot for the Yankees. I know he still talks to Derek Jeter."

"Jeter? A little more cream in the coffee. And who was his mother? Peggy Cass?"

"The Yankees. Those altakockers have so much money. Steinbrenner. Nazi bastard."

"Except now he don't know how much he got. He went a little meshuggah in the head."

"Asshole."

"Yeah, asshole."

"May he rest in peace."

"Soon."

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders with macaroni & cheese.