The 2010 Emmy Nominations - Kneejerk Reactions

Well, they've announced the 2010 Emmy nominations and now there are folks in Hollywood who are already trying to book their tanning sessions for the week before the August 29 award ceremony. Wait till these knuckleheads realize there's now a tax on those salons. That should get liberal Hollywood off the Obama bandwagon once and for all.

The actual PDF document that contains the nominations is 67 pages long and it will take me two months just to read them all. Trust me, if you simply sort out the doughnuts for Craft Services, there is probably an Emmy category for you. "Best Coordination of Sprinkled and Chocolate Pastries - Drama Series." It's apparently so easy to get an Emmy that I'm surprised they're not available at 99 Cent Stores.

As I tried to sift through the pile of nominations, several jumped out and put their hands around my windpipe. Little bizarro factoids that just add to the notion that this entire process is inexplicable.

---"Nurse Jackie" cleaned up with a bunch of nominations in the Comedy Series category. Okay, now I like this show, but I would argue that it's hardly a laugh riot. Let's face it, the lead character is a philanderer, a drug addict, and a compulsive liar. That's not like the old days when Lucy Ricardo was simply trying to get into Ricky's act at the Tropicana. While there are comedic overtones to this series, it falls clearly more on the side of drama.

---In the Outstanding Comedy Series category, "Nurse Jackie" again shows up and please see my aforementioned contention. But, these days, you also have the quirk that an hour-long show like "Glee," which really is impossible to categorize, qualifies against five other half-hour shows. You get twice as much time to impress voters. "Modern Family," the darling of Hollywood and also reportedly a show that is able to cure cancer in small children, is the frontrunner here. Oddly, after an absence of several years, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is nominated for their super-clever season tying in the Seinfeld reunion episodes.

---For the first time ever, I look at the Best Drama category and realize I don't watch any of the shows. "Breaking Bad?" Nope. "Dexter?" Saw it once and hated it. "The Good Wife?" I'm usually brushing my teeth. "Lost?" After the first five episodes, I was. "Mad Men?" Perhaps the most over-rated and over-written show in TV history. "True Blood? Who cares. Where the hell are "Lou Grant" and "St. Elsewhere" when you really need them?

---Well, who the heck is shocked by this? Betty White has been nominated for her hosting stint on SNL. Emmy voters, can you be any more obvious? Please! Leave the lady alone. Let her sit home for an evening with her fluffy slippers and a Lean Cuisine. You know she's going to win. If nothing else, Hollywood is always totally predictable in its predictability.

---While Jon Cryer and Holland Taylor got nominated for their work on "Two and A Half Men," Charlie Sheen did not for the first time in four years. I guess the Academy doesn't want to look out at a sea of black tuxedoes and see a single orange jump suit.

---The fabulous Jim Parsons was the only regular cast member from "The Big Bang Theory" to score a nomination. The show is not even up for Best Comedy Series. Where is the love? Meanwhile, Tony Shalhoub receives his 75th Emmy nomination for Best Actor in "Monk," a show which I don't believe really exists.

---Amongst all the acting categories, I see the same names over and over. I think Candice Bergen got it right during the "Murphy Brown" years. After a while, she just said "stop nominating me" and removed her name from submission.

---In a complete "fuck you" to Jay Leno, the Academy nominated the Conan O'Brien version of the "Tonight Show" for Outstanding Variety Show. More people probably saw the DVD screeners of those episodes than actually watched the show on the air. Yeah, we hear you, Hollywood dopes, you're siding with Conan. And what you all don't know is that he is one of the biggest bastards working in TV today.

---Well, the Obama bandwagon still has at least one tire still intact. That goofy HBO documentary on his campaign got nominated for something. Outstanding Non-Fiction Special, I think. Except now everybody realizes most of it really was made up...

---As always, the list of writer nominations for all the late night shows looks like the phone directory of the Harvard alumni society.

---Heidi Klum got nominated for Best Reality Host. And, yes, that movement you just felt was the earth slipping a little bit off its axis.

---Who knew? There is now a category for Best Commercial? One of the nominees is that asshole from the Old Spice Body Wash ads. You know, that barely-dressed Black guy on the horse. Some snarky Emmy producer will probably suggest he accept the award dressed the same way. See how predictable they can be? You read it here first.

Good luck to all the nominees. As usual, I'll be home with Chinese take-out.

Dinner last night: The salad bar at Gelson's.