This Month at Skymall

I've been flying again and you know what that means! I'm found some junk in the Skymall catalog that just screams to me "this country has gone to hell!"

Take, for instance, the photo above. A surveillance camera for your home. The only trouble is that it makes no bones about the fact that it doesn't work. It's called a dummy surveillance camera. And those who think that burglars won't catch on to this really are...well, dummies.

I have yet to see this at the Dodger Stadium Gift Shop. A yarmulke for your favorite team. A surefire way to make sure you get invited to Sandy Koufax' house for the High Holy Days.

This Indiana Jones whip is marketed as a children's toy. Yeah, right. Mom and Dad may be ordering for the kid, but they don't bring it out until little Junior's having a sleepover elsewhere.

Why give all that dough to a licensed plastic surgeon when you can tighten a face all on your own? Looks like one of those contraptions that Woody Allen was wearing on his head in "Sleeper."

Because sometimes a cat just needs a little assistance to get toilet trained. You know how I handle that? It's called a bathtub full of water and a firm grip around little Friskie's neck.

When simply knowing the temperature around your house just isn't enough. Now you can get a daily mold reading. And that probably goes up significantly when old uncle Louie shows up for Thanksgiving Day dinner.

You got that many snakes around? I'd suggest you move back from Africa. I wonder if there's a can that works specifically in corporate offices.

If you're too fuckin' lazy to exercise, you slip this junk on your arm and get a whole workout just by simply writing out "while you were out" messages.

George Steinbrenner lives!

Take a pill and grow your tits. It's that simple. Also available for women. How much money you want to bet that the Food and Drug Administration hasn't looked at this product for a single second?

Dinner last night: Salami sandwich.