Not anymore.
Today, we've got the usual dreck that is programmed to give mental erections to the 20-year-old male who alternates between playing video games and trying to get his girlfriend in the sack. That's no way to cultivate a discerning movie audience.
You know my monthly drill. I'll drift through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my gut reactions on what's stinking up the local theaters these days. These aren't Easter eggs that are getting laid.
Paul: Another CGI illegal alien on the loose. The trailer looked atrocious. I've seen some young males around the age of 20 on Facebook yakking about how awesome the movie is. That pretty much confirms that this is a big ole pile of shit that needs to be avoided at all costs.
Soul Surfer: The true story of surfer Bethany Hamilton, who continued to surf despite being a smorgasbord for sharks. Now there's a sport that costs an arm and a leg.
Arthur: A needless remake starring a needless member of the human race, Russell Brand. Helen Mirren is in this and I can only imagine she has some gambling debts to settle.
Scream 4: Truth be told, I've seen the other three Scream movies and they are guilty pleasures. At this point, the scares are probably predictable, but it might be worth just to see Courtney Cox and David Arquette scrap and try to figure out what's real and what's not.
Rio: More listless animation in an arena which is dying for cleverness. A rare macaw from Minnesota fights animal smugglers in Rio. Rabbit season, duck season, macaw season.
Your Highness: Extreme lowness.
Insidious: The Barney Frank Story?
The Conspirator: Now this looks like my movie. Directed by Robert Redford, it's a true account about the woman who "helped" John Wilkes Booth escape after the Lincoln assassination. It's real and historical, which means no one under the age of 22 will be interested.
Battle - Los Angeles: It's still hanging around, which means it must take an awful long time to fumigate a movie theater.
Hanna: Barbera? An easy joke and I don't think this film is a documentary about the creators of "The Flintstones."
The Lincoln Lawyer: Matthew McConaughey as an attorney?? Is it possible to portray one when you don't have more than a grade school education?
Limitless: A writer discovers a top-secret drug which bestows him with super human abilities. Sounds like a two hour commercial for Five Hour Energy Drink.
Sucker Punch: A young girl is institutionalized by her abusive stepfather. Retreating to an alternative reality as a coping strategy, she envisions a plan which will help her escape from the mental facility. I've heard this story before. It's called "Women Len Has Dated."
Source Code: Jake Gyllenhaal in an action thriller centered on a soldier who wakes up in the body of an unknown man and discovers he's part of a mission to find the bomber of a Chicago commuter train. Chicago never gets a break. First, this and then maybe Rahm Emanuel as mayor.
Win Win: Paul Giamatti as a disheartened attorney who moonlights as a high school wrestling coach. I can't think of two occupations more closely aligned.
Hop: E.B., the Easter Bunny's teenage son, heads to Hollywood, determined to become a drummer in a rock 'n' roll band. In LA, he's taken in by Fred after the out-of-work slacker hits E.B. with his car. This is a movie for kids, so somebody please explain to me why the vile Russell Brand does the voice of the Easter Bunny.
African Cats: Documentary follows three big cats on the African savanna. On first glance at the title, I thought this was one of those dreadful Tyler Perry movies.
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family: No, this is one of those dreadful Tyler Perry movies. The sooner this guy beats up his girlfriend and gets thrown in jail, the better for all of us.
Incendies: In the wake of their mother's death, twin brothers travel to the Middle East and learn about her tragic past. I'm guessing she was either a terrorist or a "Price is Right" contestant.
Baboya: Examines the life of late Cardinal Stephen Kim Sou-hwan. The cinematic equivalent of one of those Sleep Number mattresses.
Meek's Cutoff: Three families on a wagon train try a risky shortcut. Hold it! This is a western? What the hell is that?
Water for Elephants: A former veterinary student falls for a star circus performer and they bond over a special elephant. This was some best selling novel. It sounds like Doris Day in "Jumbo" without the music. Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson star. I have no idea who is playing the elephant, but I'd search for Rosie O'Donnell's name on the IMDB credits.
Meeting Spencer: A stage director tries to raise money for his production that he hopes will be a comeback. The ad says "on a night nothing can go wrong, everything does." That's my life.
The Greatest Movie Ever Sold: The guy who did the "Supersize Me" documentary examines product placement in the media. I expect to see a lot of crumpled-up Big Mac wrappers in every shot.
Henry's Crime: Released from prison for a crime he didn't commit, an ex-con targets the same bank he was sent away for robbing. If you're thinking that's a stupid thing for a main character to do, Keanu Reeves stars in the movie. Enough said.
Atlas Shrugged, Part 1: The Tea Party does a spin on Ayn Rand, who, in turn, is spinning in her grave.
The Bang Bang Club: Four war photographers in post-apartheid South Africa. You want a surefire way to keep out of your movie? Set it in South Africa.
Dinner last night: German salami sandwich.
1 comment:
Not so sure Tyler Perry has a girlfriend. Does spend a lot of time in dresses.
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