This Day in History - April 13

The original Jefferson who moved on up.

1111:  HENRY V IS CROWNED HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR.

What's with all these Henrys who become rulers?  There were no Hanks?

1204:  CONSTANTINOPLE FALLS TO THE CRUSADERS OF THE FOURTH CRUSADE.

Of course, they were Crusades.  What else would the Fourth Crusade produce?  Martha Reeves and the Vandellas?

1250:  THE SEVENTH CRUSADE IS DEFEATED IN EGYPT.

Okay, let's do some math, gang.  In 46 years, there are three different Crusades.  That's less than 16 years per Crusade.

1256:  THE GRAND UNION OF THE AUGUSTINIAN ORDER IS FORMED.

Later it merged and became the Waldbaum's of the Augustinian Order.  New Yorkers are laughing their asses off at that gag.

1612:  MIYAMOTO MUSASHI DEFEATS SASAKI KOJIRO AT FUNAJIMA ISLAND.

In two out of three falls.  The main event was Bruno Sammartino vs. Killer Kowalski.

1742:  HANDEL'S MESSIAH MAKES ITS WORLD PREMIERE IN DUBLIN, IRELAND.

Isn't this a Christmas thing?  Hello, it's April.

1743:  PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON IS BORN.

This had to happen or else there would be no reason for a memorial.

1796:  THE FIRST ELEPHANT EVER SEEN IN THE UNITED STATES ARRIVES FROM INDIA.

This almost prompted a Liz Taylor joke, but I'm still in mourning.

1852:  F.W. WOOLWORTH IS BORN.

The original nickel-and-dimer.

1861:  DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, FORT SUMTER SURRENDERS TO CONFEDERATE FORCES.

I didn't know Fort Sumter was in France.

1870:  THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART IS FOUNDED.

Oddly enough, the gift shop opened two years earlier.

1902:  J.C. PENNEY OPENS HIS FIRST STORE IN WYOMING.

Still the best place to shop for really cheap washcloths.

1906:  WRITER SAMUEL BECKETT IS BORN.

Yep, we're still waiting....

1919:  EUGENE V. DEBS ENTERS AN ATLANTA PRISON FOR SPEAKING OUT AGAINST THE DRAFT DURING WORLD WAR I.

And you thought Jane Fonda started this?

1919:  ACTOR HOWARD KEEL IS BORN.

Clayton Farlow of "Dallas."  And, oh, yeah, some other stuff.

1921:  THE SPANISH COMMUNIST WORKERS' PARTY IS FOUNDED.

And that explains why the matador's cape is always red.

1923:  ACTOR DON ADAMS IS BORN. 

He was almost born on April 12, but he missed it by that much.

1935:  TV PERSONALITY LYLE WAGGONER IS BORN.

His biggest claim to fame is that he invented the trailers that movie stars hide out in when not on set.

1943:  JAMES BOARMAN, FRED HUNTER, HAROLD BREST, AND FLOYD G. HAMILTON TAKE PART IN AN ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ.

An attempt?  Never a good sign.

1943:  THE JEFFERSON MEMORIAL IS DEDICATED IN WASHINGTON, DC, ON THE 200TH ANNIVERSARY OF THOMAS JEFFERSON'S BIRTH.

I told you.

1945:  ACTOR TONY DOW IS BORN.

"Ward, I'm never worried about Wally."

1963:  AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS, SIDNEY POITIER BECOMES THE FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN MALE TO WIN THE BEST ACTOR AWARD FOR "LILIES OF THE FIELD."

Amen.

1970:  AN OXYGEN TANK ABOARD APOLLO 13 EXPLODES, PUT THE CREW IN GREAT DANGER.

But it also gave Ron Howard an idea for a kick-ass movie.

1976:  THE UNITED STATES TREASURY REINTRODUCES THE TWO DOLLAR BILL ON THOMAS JEFFERSON'S 233RD BIRTHDAY.

Okay, enough already with the Jefferson shit.

1983:  HAROLD WASHINGTON IS ELECTED AS THE FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAYOR IN CHICAGO'S HISTORY.

At least, his name wasn't Jefferson.

1992:  THE GREAT CHICAGO FLOOD.

Probably due to years of neglect during the Mayor Washington regime.

1997:  TIGER WOODS BECOMES THE YOUNGEST GOLFER TO WIN THE MASTERS.

The golf course is the only place where he drives correctly.

2009:  PHILLIE BROADCASTER HARRY KALAS DIES.

He dropped dead in the press box.  Going, going,...

2009:  DETROIT TIGER PITCHER MARK FIDRYCH DIES.

Big Bird falls out of the nest.

Dinner last night:  Garden medley salad with chicken at BJ's.