This Day in History - April 20

If you've got some time on your hands, why not spend it here with our weekly history lesson?  And celebrate Harold Lloyd's birthday.

1303:  THE UNIVERSITY OF ROME LA SAPIENZA IS INSTITUTED BY POPE BONIFACE VIII.

Or, as the college is known in the sports pages, URLS.  A member of Italy's Big-o Ten-o.

1526:  THE LAST RULER OF THE LODI DYNASTY, IBRAHIM LODI, IS DEFEATED AND KILLED BY BABUR IN THE FIRST BATTLE OF PANIPAT.

Poor guy.  He is killed in battle and his sole legacy is some town in New Jersey.

1534:  JACQUES CARTIER BEGINS THE VOYAGE DURING WHICH HE DISCOVERS CANADA AND LABRADOR.

if the guy had an ego, we might be watching "Hockey Night in Cartier."  Or petting our Cartier Retriever.

1653:  OLIVER CROMWELL DISSOLVES THE RUMP PARLIAMENT.

Rump.  The word itself is all the funny we need.

1657:  ADMIRAL ROBERT BLAKE DESTROYS A SPANISH SILVER FLEET UNDER HEAVY FIRE AT SANTA CRUZ DE TENERIFE.

He, however, did not shoot his wife later in the evening.

1775:  DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, THE SIEGE OF BOSTON BEGINS.

This is the one Bucky Dent was not involved in.

1792:  FRANCE DECLARES WAR ON AUSTRIA.

Way to pick a fight, Frenchies.  Who can't kick the shit out of Austria?

1809:  TWO AUSTRIAN ARMY CORPS IN BAVARIA ARE DEFEATED BY A FIRST FRENCH EMPIRE ARMY LED BY NAPOLEON.

See!  And they were beaten by some asshole who had one arm in his shirt.

1828:  RENE CAILLIE BECOMES THE FIRST NON-MUSLIM TO ENTER TIMBOUCTOU.

Now you know why people aren't exactly flocking to Timbouctou.  Or even spelling it correctly.

1836:  THE U.S. CONGRESS PASSES AN ACT CREATING THE WISCONSIN TERRITORY.

What do we need Wisconsin for?  Oh, yeah, cheese.

1862:  LOUIS PASTEUR AND CLAUDE BERNARD COMPLETE THE FIRST PASTEURIZATION TESTS.

How come it's not the Bernardization Test?

1865:  ASTRONOMER PIETRO ANGELO SECCHI DEMONSTRATES THE SECCHI DISK, WHICH MEASURES WATER CLARITY, ABOARD POPE PIUS IX'S YACHT.

The Pope's Yacht?  I love those vows of poverty.

1884:  POPE LEO XIII PUBLISHES THE ENCYCLICAL HUMANUM GENUS.

Big freakin' deal.  Where's your yacht, Leo?

1889:  ADOLF HITLER IS BORN.

Boy, that was an evening of reproduction Mrs. Hitler lived to regret.

1893:  ACTOR/COMIC HAROLD LLOYD IS BORN.

One of the most creative guys to ever work in Hollywood.  Watch one of his old movies.  He did all the stunts himself.  Not an ounce of special effects needed.  Unlike the crap we have to watch today.

1902:  PIERRE AND MARIE CURIE REFINE RADIUM CHLORIDE.

You just know these two are lying in caskets and still giving off light.

1912:  TIGER STADIUM IN DETROIT AND FENWAY PARK IN BOSTON OPEN FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Almost 100 years old.  No wonder these parks felt apart years ago.  The only trouble is they're still using one of them.

1916:  THE CHICAGO CUBS PLAY THEIR FIRST GAME EVER AT WRIGLEY FIELD.

The place had to be new at some point.

1918:  MANFRED VON RICHTHOFEN, AKA THE RED BARON, SHOOTS DOWN HIS 79TH AND 80TH VICTIMS MARKING HIS FINAL VICTORIES BEFORE HIS DEATH THE FOLLOWING DAY.

Snoopy, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

1923:  NUN/BROADCASTER MOTHER ANGELICA IS BORN.

You don't see that career often.  "Nun/Broadcaster."  On second thought, even rarer would be "Nun/Navy SEAL."

1926:  WESTERN ELECTRIC AND WARNER BROTHERS ANNOUNCE VITAPHONE, A PROCESS TO ADD SOUND TO FILM.

Yeah, yeah, we know.  We ain't heard nothing yet.

1937:  ACTOR GEORGE TAKEI IS BORN.

Oh, my.

1939:  ADOLF HITLER'S 50TH BIRTHDAY IS CELEBRATED AS A NATIONAL HOLIDAY IN NAZI GERMANY.

Head on down to Bamberger's for the big "Hitler Day" sale.

1945:  DURING THE LAST DAYS OF WORLD WAR II, ADOLF HITLER MAKES HIS LAST TRIP TO THE SURFACE TO AWARD IRON CROSSES TO THE HITLER YOUTH.

Happy birthday and it's almost over, you miserable piece of shit.

1959:  ACTOR CLINT HOWARD IS BORN.

Even less hair than his brother, if that's even possible.

1961:  BASEBALL PLAYER DON MATTINGLY IS BORN.

Donny Baseball!!!

1984:  THE GOOD FRIDAY MASSACRE, AN EXTREMELY VIOLENT HOCKEY PLAYOFF GAME, IS PLAYED IN MONTREAL, CANADA.

And if it weren't for Jacques Cartier, we might never have heard about this.

1993:  MEXICAN ACTOR CANTINFLAS DIES.

Unofficially, he's the last Mexican to enter the United States legally.

1999:  VENTRILOQUIST SENOR WENCES DIES.

S'right?  S'right. 

2008:  DANICA PATRICK WINS THE INDY JAPAN 300, BECOMING THE FIRST FEMALE DRIVER IN HISTORY TO WIN AN INDY CAR RACE.

I've said it before and I will say it again.  Auto racing is NOT a sport.

Dinner last night:  Cervelat on English muffin.