The marquee says it's a movie you can see without your glasses. Hopefully, you don't have distance issues. Nevertheless, here's a movie that opened the doors...and the walls to wide screen presentations. And aren't we glad that happened?
These days, the screens are as wide but that's because the pile of garbage is so much bigger. You know the drill of this monthly feature. I'll flip through the Los Angeles Times entertainment pages and let you know what is stinking up your local multiplex. My guess is that there's plenty to offend your senses.
Dr. Seuss' The Lorax: Does anybody know what a Lorax is? Does anybody really care? No, wait, isn't that a Chicago song?
The Iron Lady: See it for Meryl Streep's Oscar-winning performance, even if you couldn't stand Margaret Thatcher.
The Descendants: Won the Oscar for Screenplay. I must have heard different words when I saw it. Really mediocre.
The Artist: The Best Picture of the Year? And they used to say "Greatest Show on Earth" was the most undeserving Oscar winner.
We Bought a Zoo: And absolutely no one has bought a ticket.
Chico and Rita: This is a so-called adult cartoon from Cuba. Two of the characters have cartoon sex. In the past, I could only imagine what Popeye was doing to Olive Oyl.
John Carter: Civil War vet John Carter is transplanted to Mars, where he discovers a lush, wildly diverse planet whose main inhabitants are 12-foot tall green barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, who is in desperate need of a savior. Mars sounds dreadful, but, at least, there's no Nancy Pelosi there.
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen: A fisheries expert is approached by a consultant to help realize a sheik's vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert and embarks on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible possible. Ewan MacGregor and Emily Blunt star. The trailer looked dull. The plot sounds even duller.
A Thousand Words: Eddie Murphy tries again. After stretching the truth on a deal with a spiritual guru, literary agent Jack McCall finds a Bodhi tree on his property. Its appearance holds a valuable lesson on the consequences of every word we speak. He's only got a thousand words to use in his life. Don't you wish the main character was Bill Maher?
Friends with Kids: Two best friends decide to have a child together while keeping their relationship platonic, so they can avoid the toll kids can take on romantic relationships. Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph are listed in the cast, but I don't think you should expect something as funny as "Bridesmaids."
Silent House: Trapped inside her family's lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house. Hello? It's 2012. She can't get a cell phone signal anywhere??
Cirkus Columbia: A story set in the former Yugoslavia and centered on a guy who returns to Herzegovina from Germany with plenty of cash and hopes for a good new life. How do you say "no, thank you" in Yugoslavian?
Boy: Set on the east coast of New Zealand in the year 1984, Boy, an 11-year-old kid and devout Michael Jackson fan gets a chance to know his father, who has returned to find a bag of money he buried years ago. So, this kid was once touched by Michael Jackson. Gee, what 11-year-old wasn't??
The Salt of Life: Gianni is a retiree who has become invisible to most everyone around him. In response, he tries his best to generate some kind of extracurricular love life. It's from Italy. Skip the movie and go out for a nice pasta dish.
Sound of Noise: A tone-deaf cop works to track down a group of guerilla percussionists whose anarchic public performances are terrorizing the city. Inexplicably, I saw the trailer for this. Stomp Meets Oceans 11. It looked noisy and dirty. I like neither of those attributes. Well, at least, in my movie choices.
Tyler Perry's Good Deeds: His next one would be complete retirement from making any more movies.
Project X: To be clear, this is not the movie from about 25 years where Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt were fooling around with some chimps. Nope, in this one, 3 high school seniors throw a birthday party to make a name for themselves. As the night progresses, things spiral out of control as word of the party spreads. Which means you're better off Netflixing the 1987 movie with the monkeys.
This Means War: Two top CIA operatives wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman, played by Reese Witherspoon. With film choices like this, she's obviously destined to be a one-Oscar-wonder.
Wanderlust: Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston wind up living in a 2012 version of a hippie commune. I saw it and was both pleasantly surprised and amused. A Jennifer Aniston comedy that works? Somebody, please call Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Hugo: It won a shitload of Oscars. Scorsese must owe a lot of people a whole bunch of lunches.
Being Flynn: Working in a Boston homeless shelter, Nick Flynn re-encounters his father, a con man and self-proclaimed poet. Sensing trouble in his own life, Nick wrestles with the notion of reaching out yet again to his dad. Co-starring Julianne Moore and Robert De Niro, who apparently had a Tuesday with nothing to do.
Chronicle: Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides. This is what happens when teachers don't pay attention while monitoring study halls.
Pina: A documentary tribute to choreographer Pina Bausch. Only if you don't have a comfortable nap couch at home.
Safe House: A young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge. It stars Denzel Washington and Ryan Reynolds. You know I'm rooting for Ryan.
Undefeated: A documentary on an underdog football team who look to reverse their fortunes with coach Bill Courtney. It won the Oscar, which would normally get me into the theater. But, in reality, it looks nothing more than a hip hop version of "Friday Night Lights."
The Secret World of Arrietty: Japanese animation. The Clock family are four-inch-tall people who live anonymously in another family's residence, borrowing simple items to make their home. Life changes for the Clocks when their daughter, Arrietty, is discovered. Instead, check out your newest box set of "The Simpsons."
The Woman in Black: A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals. Daniel Radcliffe stars along with somebody who sounds an awful lot like a Kardashian.
Gone: When her sister disappears, Jill is convinced the serial killer who kidnapped her two years ago has returned, and she sets out to once again face her abductor. Gone? Gee, I never went in the first place.
The Vow: A car accident puts Paige (Rachel McAdams) in a coma, and when she wakes up with severe memory loss, her husband Leo (Channing Tatum) works to win her heart again. Nothing but "An Affair to Remember" with horrible actors.
Act of Valor: An elite team of Navy SEALs embark on a covert mission to recover a kidnapped CIA agent. I heard the cast was made up of real Navy SEALs. Someone please confirm for me.
Journey 2 - The Mysterious Island: Sean Anderson partners with his mom's husband on a mission to find his grandfather, who is thought to be missing on a mythical island. Dwayne Johnson stars and Jules Verne is spinning in his grave.
Dinner last night: Bobboli pizza with pepperoni.
3 comments:
Yes, Act of Valor stars real Navy SEALs. I liked it. You might like it. Its certainly more worth your money than anything else playing right now. Except maybe The Lorax. Taking the wife and kid to that today.
Eddie Murphy as a literary agent?
Act of Valor indeed includes actual Navy SEALs and portrays the military in a positive light. This is why the movie has been panned by virtually every media outlet -- and was the biggest box office draw last weekend. Unlike most of the liberal media, most Americans have some appreciation of what the military does.
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