1513: DURING THE BATTLE OF NOVARA IN THE ITALIAN WARS, SWISS TROOPS DEFEAT THE FRENCH UNDER LOUIS DE LA TREMOILLE, FORCING THE FRENCH TO ABANDON MILAN.
Anything that kicks the French out of any place is a-okay by me.
1644: THE QING DYNASTY MANCHU FORCES LED BY THE SHUNZHI EMPEROR CAPTURE BEIJING DURING THE COLLAPSE OF THE MING DYNASTY.
One of the many reasons why I never listened to the deplorable teacher Miss Kass during tenth grade World History.
1654: CHARLES X SUCCEEDS HIS ABDICATED QUEEN CHRISTINA TO THE SWEDISH THRONE.
I wasn't listening to her that day either.
1674: SHIVAJI, FOUNDER OF THE MARATHA EMPIRE, IS CROWNED.
I definitely wasn't listening on this day.
1752: A DEVASTASTING FIRE DESTROYS ONE-THIRD OF MOSCOW, INCLUDING 18,000 HOMES.
I would have paid attention to this story in World History, but I think I was out sick with a cold.
1808: NAPOLEON'S BROTHER, JOSEPH BONAPARTE, IS CROWNED KING OF SPAIN.
The French empire's version of Shemp.
1822: ALEXIS ST. MARTIN IS ACCIDENTALLY SHOT IN THE STOMACH, WHICH LEADS WAY TO WILLIAM BEAUMONT'S STUDIES ON DIGESTION.
Instead of worrying about how food travels through the body, shouldn't somebody have thought about saving Alexis' life?
1832: THE JUNE REBELLION OF PARIS IS PUT DOWN BY THE NATIONAL GUARD.
The way the scummy French put up a fight, they could be defeated by four Campfire Girls.
1833: US PRESIDENT ANDREW JACKSON IS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO RIDE ON A TRAIN.
I hope they let him blow the whistle.
1844: THE YMCA IS FOUNDED IN LONDON.
Giving men the world over some place to go when the wife kicks them out.
1882: MORE THAN 100,000 INHABITANTS OF BOMBAY ARE KILLED IN A CYCLONE.
None of them unfortunately wound up in Oz.
1889: THE GREAT SEATTLE FIRE DESTROYS THE ENTIRETY OF DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.
That's what made it great.
1892: THE CHICAGO "L" BEGINS OPERATION.
And who was the first President to ride this, historians?
1907: BASEBALL PLAYER BILL DICKEY IS BORN.
His parents had the good sense not to name him Richard.
1909: FRENCH TROOPS CAPTURE ABECHE IN MODERN-DAY CHAD AND INSTALL A PUPPET SULTAN.
Kukla, Fran, and Chad.
1932: THE REVENUE ACT OF 1932 IS ENACTED, CREATING THE FIRST GAS TAX IN THE UNITED STATES.
The gift that just keeps giving.
1933: THE FIRST DRIVE-IN THEATER OPENS IN CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY.
I wonder who was the first idiot to try and drive off with the speaker.
1934: US PRESIDENT FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT SIGNS THE SECURITIES ACT OF 1933 INTO LAW, SPEARHEADING THE NEW DEAL.
And that stimulus act didn't work either. It wasn't until World War II that our economy rebounded. As you can see, I did pay attention to eleventh-grade American History.
1936: FOUR TOP LEVI STUBBS IS BORN.
Actually, he really should be called ONE TOP LEVI STUBBS.
1939: HOCKEY PLAYER ED GIACOMIN IS BORN.
Pronounced Jock-o-man. And that's funny enough for me.
1939: JUDGE JOSEPH CRATER, KNOWN AS THE 'MISSINGEST MAN IN NEW YORK" IS DECLARED LEGALLY DEAD.
Nobody could ever find Abe Beame either, but that's because he was so short.
1941: AUTO PIONEER LOUIS CHEVROLET DIES.
See the USA....in your hearse.
1942: US NAVY DIVE BOMBERS SINK SEVERAL JAPANESE CARRIERS DURING THE BATTLE OF MIDWAY.
Fighting back at last. And, two short years later,......
1944: THE BATTLE OF NORMANDY BEGINS ON D-DAY.
Just so you kiddies know. This really happened. It wasn't all concocted by Steven Spielberg.
1946: THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION IS CREATED.
And, without the benefit of a regular season, they immediately started five rounds of playoffs.
1952: ACTOR HARVEY FIERSTEIN IS BORN.
I would have paid anything to be around when his voice changed.
1961: PSYCHIATRIST CARL JUNG DIES.
At the age of 86, he hardly died Jung.
1968: POLITICIAN ROBERT F. KENNEDY DIES.
Now he was young.
1971: SOYUZ II LAUNCHES.
Says who?
1975: ACTOR LARRY BLYDEN DIES.
What's my line? "Professional Corpse."
1976: INDUSTRIALIST J. PAUL GETTY DIES.
I would have paid anything to be around when his will was read.
1979: ACTOR JACK HALEY DIES.
The rust finally got to him.
1984: TETRIS, ONE OF THE BEST SELLING VIDEO GAMES OF ALL TIME, IS RELEASED.
No clue. I never had enough quarters.
1992: ACTOR LARRY RILEY DIES.
Of AIDS. He was on Knots Landing and we watched him disintegrate before our very eyes.
1993: MONGOLIA HOLDS ITS FIRST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
Rifles optional.
1994: ACTOR BARRY SULLIVAN DIES.
The guy you've seen all the time in the movies but never knew his name.
2005: ACTRESS ANNE BANCROFT DIES.
A classy lady who somehow managed to be married to Mel Brooks for years.
2005: THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT UPHOLDS A FEDERAL LAW BANNIN CANNABIS.
Oh, what are they smoking???
Dinner last night: Dried cappacollo sandwich.
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