If I Tweeted - July 2012

I don't, you know. But, if I did, here's what was on my mind this past month.

#LenSpeaks  Happy Fourth of July, everybody.  The holiday most hated by dogs across America.

#LenSpeaks  Independence Day is the equivalent of the Christmas shopping rush in Chinatown.

#LenSpeaks  Some dopey town in the Northwest banned town fireworks because they scared the birds.

#LenSpeaks  That's the reason why the only people who should get bird shit on these cars are those loopy environmentalists.

#LenSpeaks  56,000 people at Dodger Stadium for Japan Day and Hello Kitty bobblehead. Kill me now.

#LenSpeaks  The Dodgers had a horrible June.  Magic Johnson wants to know the MLB policy on returning a franchise. He still has his receipt.

#LenSpeaks  Does anybody really watch the baseball All-Star Game anymore?

#LenSpeaks  Why is La Russa allowed to manage and pick a Cardinal outfielder to replace a third catcher? Why is that dumbbell from Texas allowed to shove about a dozen Rangers on his team?    

#LenSpeaks  Why is that slob Sandoval starting for the NL when he was on the DL for a lot of the first half?  Why am I writing about any of this???

#LenSpeaks  There's black bunting around the door to the Sheriff's office in Mayberry.  Andy Griffith, we appreciate it and good night.

#LenSpeaks  The Mets are just five relievers away from having a good bullpen.

#LenSpeaks  Who knew that Met fans would look back on Doug Sisk fondly?

#LenSpeaks  Come on, Fred Willard, really???? In public? What's wrong with Korean porn in the privacy of your home computer??

#LenSpeaks  He was caught doing this nasty in some place called the Tiki Theater and, for a minute, I thought he was whacking off in front of those mechanical birds at Disneyland.

#LenSpeaks  A word of advice to all those mental midgets who will be lining up at midnight to see that new Dark Knight movie: the same picture will be playing tomorrow afternoon at 3PM.

#LenSpeaks   Oooh, I tweeted too soon.  I told you so.  Now that bargain matinee on Friday looks good, doesn't it, Aurora, Colorado?

#LenSpeaks   People were wondering how the theater possibly could have admitted this guy dressed as he was.   Er, it is the middle of the country, folks where garb like this might be worn by wedding parties.

#LenSpeaks  Hey, now what Fred Willard was doing in that theater doesn't seem so bad, does it??

#LenSpeaks I think these guys are hooking up the new flat screen in my NY apartment. At least, the Russian they are talking seems kind of technological.

#LenSpeaks  That was actually kind of sad. The TV guys just took away the 19 inch Zenith portable TV my dad bought for me in 1982. And it was still working. Except, in the widescreen age, the aspect ratio never allowed you to see the baseball score in the upper left hand corner of the screen.

#LenSpeaks  Except, in the widescreen age, the aspect ratio never allowed you to see the baseball score in the upper left hand corner of the screen.

#LenSpeaks  I guess that means the Mets will never lose on an old television set.

#LenSpeaks  A rainy New York Friday.  I just came back from outside and I am soaked. Only to find that TCM is running a Natalie Wood film marathon. Raise your hand if you get the joke.

#LenSpeaks  If the Dodgers make their new acquisition wear # 99, they can finally get rid of all those "Ramirez" jerseys they got stuck with two years ago.

#LenSpeaks  Sherman Hemsley finally gets that deluxe apartment in the sky.

#LenSpeaks   Hey, and you thought that I was going to make a joke about "movin' on up." 

#LenSpeaks   Chad Everett died the same day as George Jefferson.  So, apparently, TV dry cleaners and doctors don't live forever??

#LenSpeaks  I don't agree with what that Chick-Fil-A guy said about gay marriage, but I acknowledge his right to say whatever he wants.  And conduct his business in any way he can.  After all, this is America.

#LenSpeaks  I mean, that was America.  Free speech now comes with a price in the United States.

#LenSpeaks   New York Mayor Bloomturd says he has no problem if Chick-Fil-A wants to open in the city.  You just won't be able to buy an extra large Coke there.

#LenSpeaks  There were more murders in Chicago the first six months of 2012 than there were in the Afghanistan war zone.  Sounds like that town needs some community organizing. 

#LenSpeaks  Oh, and I know where they can find a good one next January.

#LenSpeaks  The Olympic opening ceremonies was the world's longest ever half-time show at the Orange Bowl.  And NBC made it longer with commercials.

#LenSpeaks  They had a stunt double for the Queen parachute out of a helicopter.  I know it was a stand-in because there was no black pocketbook attached.

#LenSpeaks  Film director Danny Boyle ran the show and it was an unabashed advertisement for socialized medicine in England with sick kids jumping up and down on hospital beds.  Because I often connote hospital stays with recess time in the playground.

#LenSpeaks  When the only highlight in four hours was an appearance by Mr. Bean, you know the opening ceremonies were a train wreck.

#LenSpeaks  Made even worse by the constant prattling of Matt Lauer, who might lock up the title of "Dumbest American" for the sixth year in a row. 

#LenSpeaks  I saw Matt's name in an article next to the word "journalist."  And that's another reason why you can never believe anything you see in the newspapers.

#LenSpeaks  Paul McCartney closed the show and I screamed one word at the TV set.  "RETIRE."

#LenSpeaks  The last time McCartney could sing, Mark David Chapman was still a free man.

#LenSpeaks  Those folks who think Joan Rivers' plastic surgery is bad haven't seen Sir Paul lately.  I look at his face and I recall my mom's favorite saying.

#LenSpeaks  "Who did it and ran?"

Dinner last night:  Leftover ravioli and meatballs.